Tag: relationship

There are 35 entries that are tagged relationship. Now displaying reults 1 - 25.

Page: 1 - 2 | Next Page »

Two Styles, One System: Communication and Money

Posted on September 24, 2008 by Him

Laura is a twenty-something woman out of school and happily married. Eliminating credit card debt has energized her to knock out her car loan and student loans. She blogs at Green Panda Treehouse about reducing debt, building savings, and working with her husband on finances, as well as her successes and failures.

Many people worry about discussing finances when they have different views. Avoiding financial talks can lead to disaster in relationships. It can build resentment and escalate into fights that tear down and could lead to divorce. Money isn’t the root of the problem, it’s lack of communication.

If you share openly and honestly your thoughts and feelings with your fiancé or spouse, you are missing out on a great opportunity. Relationships are mutually defined and both need to share to make it work.

Here are a few examples of how my husband and I handle money in our relationship. Is it perfect? No. Does it work? Yes, because we’re willingly to talk about our common thoughts and our differences.

Budget

We keep a Google Spreadsheet to display and organize our monthly bills. This allows us to see what our joint bills are and gives a snapshot view of our individual accounts. I can see how much he puts in his 401(k) and he can see my Roth IRA deposits.

He’s great at setting up the spreadsheets and I love playing around with them. I

Goals

Some of my personal goals are to pay off my car loan and my student loans. We also set aside money in our budget for saving. We’re working together: our ‘extra’ money goes to joint savings and to paying down the car loan. 

Investing

My husband puts aside money for retirement, but is only semi-interested in following his accounts. When he changed jobs and was rolling over his old 401(k) to an IRA, he asked me to look at investments to put them into.

I get a kick out of learning new things about index funds, stocks, ETFs, etc. While I explained why and how I came up with my suggestions, he just agreed and made the changes. He’s more conservative with his money and his investments are a reflection of that. I tend to invest more in international funds than him, but the volatility is within what I can handle.

Credit Cards

I have two credit cards (I’m closing one) while my husband has no credit cards. After learning the hard way about high credit card interest rates, I’ve paid my debt. I generally pay it off each month.

I use credit cards mainly for convenience and rewards. I normally keep it at home with me. If we go on trips, I use my credit card. He is very adverse to debt and has not found a credit card that ‘he likes yet’. He generally saves until he can buy it, like his car.

Paperwork

I’m the paperwork queen. It basically falls to me to organize bill payments and documentation requests. Due to our basic system, it doesn’t take up to much time (5-10 minutes). If there are any issues we’ll discuss in the evening.

I show him where I keep the files, in case something happens and he needs quick access.

Conclusion

It’s an imperfect system to be sure, but we make it work. The best advice we received? Talk it out and figure out what’s right for you two.

Talking it out can help you to understand your partner so much better and help you to build a stronger foundation on future communication, not just with money. Remember also that you’ll discuss these issues as your circumstances change. It’s not set in stone.

Keeping each other in the loop is essential to a successful marriage. Two different viewpoints can lead to a stronger system.

How different are the two of you? What do you two agree and disagree on?

Going Out to Eat: How Much Should We Spend?

Posted on September 22, 2008 by Him

Hannah blogs about money and marriage at Monogamoney.com. Topics include saving, budgeting, investing, travel, and The Dark Knight.

Jon and I recently let a relative stay in our apartment for a week, while we were away on vacation. As a thank-you gift, she gave us a $150 gift certificate to a nice restaurant. And this presents us with a problem.

Jon and I have very different styles when we eat out. He'd rather go out less often, and spend more each time. He thinks that when we go to a nice restaurant, we shouldn't scrimp. We should each get an appetizer if we want one, we should get a bottle of wine, we should get dessert, because there's no point doing it if you don't have the full experience. I'd rather spend less, and go more often. I get more enjoyment going twice and getting only an entree each time, as opposed to going once and getting the works.

A few months ago, this perpetual disagreement led to the biggest fight we've had since we got married. We had a $400 gift certificate to a nice restaurant, which we received for our wedding. So we decided to invite two of our friends out for dinner. I wanted to strategize beforehand, so we could make sure we kept our tab under $400, hopefully even having enough to pay for the tip. Jon felt like I was spoiling the fun. He won; the bill came to $700. (In defense of my husband, he eats out like this only once or twice a year. And it was his birthday.)

The next day, after a little yelling and maybe a tiny bit of door slamming, we decided that before we go out for a nice meal, we'll label it a "Hannah" night or a "Jon" night. If it's my night, I get to control our spending, and Jon can't complain. If it's a Jon night, he'll order whatever he wants and I can't complain.

What do you think? Have you had any similar fights with your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse? How did you resolve them?

How I Got Comfortable Sharing Money With My Husband

Posted on September 19, 2008 by Him

Hannah blogs about money and marriage at Monogamoney.com. Topics include saving, budgeting, investing, travel, and The Dark Knight.

In honor of the nuptials of Him & Her, I thought I would harken back to, lo, those many months ago (October, 2007) when Jon and I tied the knot.

After our wedding and honeymoon, we immediately hunkered down and cut back on spending, so we could pay off our credit card bill. And we started discussing how we would max out our Individual Retirement Accounts for 2007, and contribute the full $4,000 each. That's when Jon said, "If, at the end of the year, I still need an extra $2,000, you can give it to me." Wait a minute, I thought. You want me to GIVE you $2,000? Just GIVE it to you? And you won't even pay me back?

You see, Jon's parents have always completely shared their finances. My parents, by contrast, don't even have a joint checking account. That's partly because Jon's father was always the primary breadwinner, so a joint account was necessary. My parents, by contrast, have always made roughly the same amount of money, so there was no need to combine everything into one account. But the funny thing is, I grew up on a commune. You'd think I'd be the one advocating that we share money.

Of course, I knew I should give him the $2,000. I had made more progress putting money into my own IRA, thanks in part to a generous gift from my grandmother. And in the long run, it's obviously better for me if we've saved as much as possible in BOTH of our retirement accounts. I just had a little trouble, the first month or so after the wedding, adjusting to this new mindset, in which "we" replaced "me" when it came to financial decisions. Unlike Him & Her, who have clearly been a financial team for a while, Jon and I didn't start thinking about these issues until after our wedding. (That's when I started our blog, Monogamoney.)

A few weeks after our initial discussion about the IRAs, the thought finally occurred to me: "You're either in it for the long term, or you're not. And if you're in it for the long term, give him the money." And since I'm in it for the long term, I gave him the money. We use our joint account to pay rent, but everything else is paid for out of our individual accounts. And we no longer keep track of every dollar we spend.

Do you share and your partner share all your finances? Why or why not?

“Mine” vs. “Ours” — A Newleywed's Case Study

Posted on September 17, 2008 by Him

Thewriter lives in Chicago, just got married, and writes about money and writing over at The Writer’s Coin.

For the most part, my new wife and myself have done pretty well when it comes to adjusting to the financial side of married life. We created a joint bank account and the first few months have worked really well — we're living our lives and we're putting away a good amount of money. There have been some hiccups along the way, we aren't the Brady Bunch or anything (nevermind the kids part, that's a whole other ballpark). We've had our fair share of disagreements over things like emergency funds and semantics about targeted savings accounts, but overall we're good.

This past month, something new came up that had us clashing again. It's interesting that such minor things can cause such a lack of understanding between two people that love each other so much. The issue: I get paid twice a month but M gets paid every Friday, which means she'll have four “extra” paychecks over the course of a year. When I got paid every two weeks, I had the same problem and I just treated it like found money — it went straight into my ING savings account.

M, however, didn't see it that way. She would rather have it accounted for throughout the year and taken into full consideration when we budget out how we spend money on a day-to-day basis. This way would give us a bump in the amount of money we have to spend every month. Which is understandable because if you don't count that money, on paper it looks like she's not “contributing” as much to “our” finances (marriage invites the liberal use of quotes and air quotes — get used to it) than she's actually making. So she wanted our budgeting spreadsheet to reflect that money.

I wasn't thinking about that and stressed that this was a great way of saving even more money (me being greedy and cheap). Instead of bringing it into the budget (where it would likely get spent, I've learned), I wanted to shoot it straight into our joint ING account.

Then things got defensive. I kind of understood her point, but I still wanted to “win” the argument, prove I was right and get some extra saving going into our coffers. It wasn't “my” money being accounted for, so what did I care? She could tell and wasn't going to give in easily. It was late and her last attempt to foil me was to say that she would “forget” to transfer new money over on months where there was an extra paycheck. I countered with this jewel: “I'll remind you.”

Now, it was late and we had just gone through our budget, so things were a little tense. So we left it at that and let it soak in for a few days. The next week was an extra paycheck week and I brought it up. We had cooled down a little — I wasn't out to “win” and she wasn't out to stop me from winning. We both realized that, in the end, it's “our money” (there is that beautiful phrase single people dread to hear) and it doesn't matter how we account for it as long as we end up deciding it together and being responsible about it.

The lesson? Money makes us defensive and edgy because what used to be “mine” is no longer. Not just with money, with everything. Sharing isn't easy, especially when it comes to such a contentious thing as money. But that's the lesson learned here — that money, like everything else, is no longer “yours.” When you marry someone everything becomes “ours” and the sooner you realize that, the easier it'll be for you to let this kind of this just roll right off your back.

Roundup, Booking Our Honeymoon Edition

Posted on January 24, 2008 by Him

I find it a little odd that there are people who don't believe that credit card rewards can actually be redeemed. The first time I've run into that thinking is through a few comments on this blog. Well, Her and I can tell you that, YES, credit card rewards are redeemable, and we're using them to greatly reduce the cost of our honeymoon. Still haven't paid a cent of interest on credit cards in a while, and don't plan to in the future, either.

Here's what I thought were good readings in the pfblogosphere this week:

Over at Get Rich Slowly, JD gives some good advice on whether you should do your own taxes or hire an accountant. We're probably going to see an accountant this year.

Jim at Blueprint for Financial Prosperity explains the differences between life insurances: term, whole, universal and variable. Since we'll be looking for a good plan this year, this is good information to consider.

While I don't agree with everything in this post in how to become and stay a millionaire by the Wastrel Show, it does give a very interesting aspect of wealth from a perspective that I haven't been exposed to.

Rocket Finances gives us a glimpse of how he does married finances. We do a his-hers-ours plan; we suggest you find the right solution for you.

We've been following 2 Million's review of Smart Couples Finish Rich. He has a great tip, "My wife and I would go to Starbucks and splurge on drinks or have some margaritas while we read it. Find what it takes to make this more enjoyable for your spouse." I'm all for coupling an important, potientially drab activity such as talking about finances with something fun.

Hey, did you know that Single Ma moved? Go check out her awesome new redesigned site, Fabulous Financials, right now!

Ten Financial Considerations For Newlyweds

Posted on January 08, 2008 by Him

Somehow sometime during this long engagement of ours I was signed up to receive the "Groom's News" in my email inbox a few times a week. Along with cheerfully telling my how many days until the upcoming wedding and trying to sell me often unneeded high end trinkets and vacations, it points to articles that may be useful to newlyweds. In today's issue was this gem: Ten Financial Considerations For Newlyweds. Let's discuss, shall we?

1. From the beginning, save 15 - 20% of your income. By combining households, you should reduce your expenses a lot which should allow you to save. You should save to build your cash reserves, in your 401k plans and in a mutual fund.

This is a great tip to start off with. We're currently saving about 10% of our gross income, and after the wedding we're likely to increase that. It will be a balancing act with paying off student loans, though.

2. Rather than simply keeping two checkbooks like before you were married, pool your money into one checkbook and one savings account or money market.

We've spoken about how the joint checking account is working for us. We also have an allowance system to give us a little more freedom in making "guilt-free" purchases.

3. Change all of the beneficiaries on life insurance plans, retirement and other plans at work, and IRAs to your new spouse.

A nice reminder. We don't have life insurance, but we do have retirement accounts and bank accounts we'll have to check.

4. Decide how debts accumulated by each individual prior to the marriage (i.e. student loans) will be handled.

Since we've been living together and have had our finances combined for a while now, we've been living the "everything is ours" way of things - even debt - for a while now.

5. Work together on budgeting and tracking expenditures.

We've made efforts to budget in the past - this year we've implemented a new system that closely resembles the 60% solution. We'll detail that in a later post.

6. Discuss your approaches to handling money -- is one person a spender and one a saver? Create some ground rules on handling any differences.

Haha, it's more like "He's a spender, she's a spender." I mean, uh, we love to save money.

7. If both incomes are needed to pay expenses, be sure to have adequate life insurance.

We're definitely going to have to look at adequate life insurance after we get hitched.

8. Be sure to let each other know where important documents are kept.

More importantly, we need to get a safety deposit box to keep all that stuff. That's been on our to-do list for the past 2 years.

9. Consolidate your credit cards to avoid having double the number of credit cards needed.

Not sure if I agree with this one. We believe that we both should have individual credit. We've even opened some duplicate credit cards in order to take advantage of rewards.

10. Make a list of upcoming purchases together and prioritize them. You should decide jointly how to spend your money now.

Of course, communication is key. Her probably wouldn't like it if I just came home with a 52" plasma screen TV, and I don't quite know how I'd react if she brought home a couple pairs of Manolo Blahniks.

This list actually wasn't that bad. It will serve as a good reminder of things to-do after we're married.

Questions On Talking About Money And Relationships, Answered (Part 2)

Posted on November 21, 2007 by Him

Today we bring you the second half of our reader questions for Sheila Heen, communcations expert responsible for much of the content on Have the Talk America. I wish I could bring her along on negotiations with wedding caterers, but that's another post for another day. Onward to the questions!

--

Indebted asked:

Hello,

Please help with advice.
I have been married since May of 2006.

Late last year, I found out that my husband had purchased a home without consulting me. He was planning on ‘flipping’ the house to make a profit. I found out about it accidentally when I came across some paperwork. I confronted him about it and he has shown little remorse. His explanation was simply that this was a business venture and had nothing to do with our relationship. He knows that I have been extremely upset about this for a year. It has also impacted our lived because he is always late on our rent payments and never has any spending money. He has not been able to sell the house.

This weekend, I found out that in addition to this house; he also took out another mortgage and a home equity loan on an entirely separate house.

All told in the year and a half that we have been married he has taken out a total of $550K in loans. I confronted him again this weekend and again he says that this is not my concern and that this was a business venture. None of this was purchased under a business name; this was all done under his name.

Is there anything I can do to protect myself? I am concerned that he is way over his head and will not be able to pay all of these loans. I am concerned that eventually I will have to start covering these expenses.

Does anyone have any thoughts to advice?

Thank you much,
Indebted and still in love

Dear Indebted & Still in Love,

Oh dear. I can see why you are concerned. Deceit, debt, and dismissive-ness are not a good combination.

Clearly your husband has a set of assumptions in his head. The first of which is that making unilateral decisions about financial matters in your marriage is okay - and, in fact, expected. He seems surprised that you are upset about it. And also that “business” is different from “marriage,” which, if true, would make his behavior make sense.

The problem for both of you is that debt (as well as assets) in a marriage are generally considered marital property. And if he ultimately has to file for bankruptcy, this is going to affect you and the whole family, not just him.

I wonder why he is keeping this information from you? He may feel a great deal of responsibility to provide for you, and feel that he is not supposed to burden you with the worries that he is carrying on his own. Now that things are tight and he can’t sell the property, the last thing he probably wants is to sit through a conversation where you are angry, accusatory and anxious. He’s probably got enough anxiety on his own.

So I’d approach him with compassionate concern. Tell him you want to understand what’s going on so that you can share the burden, and so that the two of you can settle on a plan for how to manage going forward. Get curious about how he thinks about these decisions and whether to involve you, and what concerns he has that lead him to leave you in the dark. Let him know that you two are in it together, for better and for worse, and that if you’re going to brave the worst, you want some involvement in making it better.

--

Shri asked:

Hi,
It's nice to see your apt replies. I got married this June and currently not working. My husband had run into a 12K loan before marriage..He never mentioned that before marriage and there were big fights about that. Now he s in the process of repaying them. It did upset me big time, because I was working too and I had saved and invested well.
He is changing but as a next step, once he is done with loans, I want him to invest in real estate in a very lucrative place. He was like ' first I need to have some money in hand'only then will I consider any investment', but the prices are increasing every single day and I don't think it's wise to postpone things. Basically he is very slow in taking steps towards money saving, investing etc..I ll start working in 2 yrs from now after I do my MS. Till then I want him to take the best possible steps which is in the best interest of both of us. How do I go about this ?

Thanks for your patience in reading.

Regds
Shri

Dear Shri,

This is the hardest thing about marriage and money, especially for those of us who like to be in control. How much autonomy and control do I get to have over money decisions that affect me? What do I get to decide myself? What do we have to agree on together? And how do I get my way?

Believe me, I get it. I am the instigator in my marriage, too. It’s me pushing us to save a bit more, buy into the market earlier, and pay down the loans faster. And when I get any resistance from my husband, my instinct is to just push him harder. This, by the way, doesn’t work.

Actually, you should worry if it does work, because if you push him into something he’s not ready for - taking on new debt just as he’s getting out - and then the real estate market slows, you’ll feel responsible. And he may blame you. Not a great combination.

Remember that it’s not just about the dollars and cents. He’s not reacting to the market numbers that you see rising. He’s reacting to the unpleasant emotional experience of being in debt (and having someone you love angry with you about it), and the positive satisfaction of climbing his way out. It’s not surprising that he’s reluctant to take on a new set of anxieties very soon.

So one conversation may be about how you’re each feeling about where you are, and where you want to go. Also, the conversation may be about how close you want to live to the line of “just getting by” and how much risk you want to take.

The other conversation involves a clear-eyed look at the numbers you cite and the trends. The sub-prime mess has impacted a lot of real estate markets across the country - even areas that consider themselves recession-proof. Plan for more than the best case scenario - here’s our payment and income if all goes as planned. Talk too about some “what ifs” - what if one of you loses their job? Or gets a promotion that involves a move and you can’t sell the house? What if you need a new car? Are you planning to have children? Will one of you want to stay home? While there are unpleasant surprises, it’s also true that you can anticipate a lot of probable events in the next five years or so that will impact your finances.

Remember, the most important aspect is starting those two conversations and listening to your husband’s concerns as well as voicing your concerns. Good luck to you two.

--

We'd like to thank Sheila once again, for taking the time to answer some our readers' questions! We hope that all of our readers can take something from Shelia's advice or from the advice on Have the Talk America so that you can go ahead and have your own difficult talk.

...but just not at the Thanksgiving dinner table. Save it for after that.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Questions On Talking About Money And Relationships, Answered (Part 1)

Posted on November 20, 2007 by Him

Last week, we asked if you had questions about how to approach the topic of talking with your loved one about a particularly difficult money situation. Sheila Heen, communications expert responsible for much of content of Have the Talk America, made her advice available and answered your questions. We'll present the first two today, and finish up with the second two tomorrow.

--

KimberlyHMN asked:

This is such a great opportunity! I have a 'talk' I need to start, but really am dreading it. I just got engaged to my fiance (we've been together for quite awhile). I know the smart thing to do is to get a pre-nup, but he has said that they are the worst things ever!! He thinks you're preparing to divorce before you even get married! We both plan to spend the rest of our lives together (obviously) but just-in-case (since you never know who you or they will turn into!) I think we should have a pre-nup before we get married. How do I bring this up to him without hurting him and without making it seem like I expect to divorce sometime in the future?

Dear Kim,

First things first: Do you have much to protect? Forgive my forwardness, but I don’t want you to tackle this conversation and endure the pain if you don’t need to.

Pre-nups are designed to protect a spouse who brings significant wealth into the marriage. So if the couple later divorces, the spouse doesn’t have to divide assets that they feel were “theirs” before they even met their soon-to-be-ex. If you have a trust fund, inheritance, stock portfolio, real estate (with equity in it), or a yacht docked in Monte Carlo, then, yes, you should think seriously about a pre-nup.

If you think you might need one, it might make sense to talk with a lawyer, and take your fiancé with you. I know it’s touchy. You are preparing for the worst even while planning for, and expecting, the best. It’s emotionally confusing and may sound to your fiancé like you are sending mixed messages about your commitment or expectations of him. Reassure him that this isn’t the case at all, and try to explain what, specifically, you are worried about. And be sure to ask him what he hears you asking - this will give you a chance to clarify so that you truly end up on the same page.

--

strange bird asked:

My boyfriend, who is in graduate school, is completely financially dependent on his parents. He lives rent-free and earns more than enough to pay his mandatory expenses and save, but instead spends everything he earns and has his parents refill his account when he overdraws. We talk about moving in together when we both finish school, but I'm afraid he'll expect to live off me the way he lives off his parents. It's not that I think he'll take advantage so much as I think he doesn't know how to take care of himself financially. How can I talk to him about "proving himself," without asking him to prove himself?

Dear Strange Bird,

I think you are “right on the money” - as they say - with your concern. A few of us had a class in school about how to manage our emotional relationship with money, which drives the way we spend, save, cash and charge. If your boyfriend hasn’t had a chance to make all the usual mistakes on his own, then you are along for the ride while he figures it out.

You’re right. Asking him to “prove himself” isn’t going to go down very well. This frames you as the grown-up who has the answers, and him as the financial first-grader.

Instead, talk about it in terms of finding out whether the two of you have compatible values, assumptions and habits around money. This will open up the conversation about how you each manage the money coming in and the expenses going out. How do you decide whether you can afford something? How much savings do you each feel you need? How much debt are you comfortable having, and for what? School? A car? Nice dinners out? Or the very latest video-game player? How might you test those ideas - with a household joint account? With a budget for the next couple of months?

If you can have this conversation in the spirit of thinking it through together, and resist the temptation to judge or lecture, then he may hear your concerns, have some ideas, and you can map a path forward together.

Good luck!

--

We'd like to thank Sheila for being available to answer some reader questions!

We'd also like to point out that on the Have the Talk America website, if you make a pledge to talk with your loved one about a dificult topic, Nationwide will donate $1 to the Red Cross. I'm sure they could need all the help they could get with the recent tragedy in Bangladesh.

Last Chance - Ask How To Bring Up A Tough Money Situation

Posted on November 14, 2007 by Him

HTT_TattooWebPrint.gif

Just a reminder:

Do you have a tough money/relationship question you need to ask someone, but don't know how to bring it up, or what to say? Leave a question for communications expert, Sheila Heen (bio), by MIDNIGHT TONIGHT.

See the details here.

"On Paper" Divorce for Financial Reasons

Posted on November 12, 2007 by Her

marshallandlily.jpg
photo: How I Met Your Mother website

Last week on How I Met Your Mother, Lily and Marshall considered getting a divorce "on paper" for financial reasons. Lily had bad credit, so she proposed that Marshall divorce her so he could apply for a mortgage without her. The odd thing about this scenario is that I know a couple who actually did this - and it ended in a real, bitter (and permanent) divorce.

This couple, who were close friends of my parents, started several hotel businesses. Over time one business after another collapsed, leaving them personally in financial ruin. They were facing bankruptcy, a difficult time for any married couple with two small children. They were going to lose their home and have to uproot their children. Wanting to protect his wife and children, the husband proposed that they get a divorce before he filed for bankruptcy, allowing his wife and children to retain their home. It was supposed to be "on paper" and he would still live with them. After the dust settled, he planned to remarry his wife. But his wife was so hurt by the idea that they started fighting over it - in addition to their fights about finances. Within a year, they were divorced for real. They ended up losing it all: the businesses, the house, and the marriage.

Aside from the obvious legal and ethical issues (what the husband wanted to do was obviously fraud), this was a terrible idea for their relationship. It may be tempting to try using divorce to cure your financial issues, but chances are you will only add pain to the disaster. It's better to take advantage of credit counseling and other debt services than to try to defraud your creditors and spouse.

How Much Do You Tell Your Parents?

Posted on November 09, 2007 by Him

I love blogging about my mom. Really. She gives me so much to talk about. My dad doesn't speak much, and he's not crazy, so I don't write much about him.

Ever since I've been more or less financially independent from my parents, I feel as if they don't need to know the financial minutiae of my life. When I first obtained my current job, I divulged my salary information to my mom; however, back then I did live at home and was eating their food. Now, I don't tell her much - currently, my mom doesn't know exactly how much I make. That doesn't stop my mom from asking, though.

I wouldn't mind so much if she asked maybe once a year or so. It gets annoying because everything eventually turns to "how much did it cost?" Here's a fun scenario:

Me: Mom, I'm running a half-marathon!

Mom: Oh really? How much does that cost?

Me: ...

You can substitute my first line with anything, from "I like midget bondage" to "Oh my god I sliced off my thumb" to "No, Mario Lopez will always be A.C. Slater to me." She will, in some way, ask about the cost.

Now, here's what happens when she's asks about money coming in:

Mom: So how much was your bonus?

Me: It was a nice amount...

Mom: You should give some to me and your dad.

Again, you can substitute "bonus" with "salary", "amount of Christmas presents", "tax refund" or "illegal mob money" and still get the same result.

Where I start to get angry is when my mom starts asking me about Her's salary, bonuses, cost of whatever. That is certainly not her business. She has even asked Her directly about some money issues. I thought that was way out of line and I told her so.

Why don't I like telling her specifics? My mom has a way of using whatever information I give her against me, and possibly Her, for her own evil purposes. Oh mama, you so craaaaaaazy.

How much financial information do you divulge to your parents? Do they ask you about your finances or do you readily give them information? How has this affected your relationship with them? Do you tell them, or do they ask about your partner's finances?

Want Advice On How To Bring Up A Tough Money Conversation?

Posted on November 07, 2007 by Him

"Listen, we have to talk..." At one point in your life, you have heard these words, and you know that it's never the start of anything pleasant. Maybe they were being said to you, maybe you heard them coming out of your own mouth. Maybe, you are even thinking about saying these words to someone in the near future, but don't know how to go about it. When I had to have a big financial talk with Her, it wasn't that pretty.

Do you have to have a difficult conversation in the near future, but don't know where to start? If you're having trouble finding the right words or right way to frame a difficult money discussion, leave a comment below explaining your situation for Shelia Heen (bio), a communication expert and author of Difficult Conversations, who helped come up with the quiz and tips on Have The Talk America. We'll leave comments open until Monday Wednesday, November 14, 11:59PM. She'll select a few questions to answer, which we will then post on by Have the Talk Day, November 20, a day in which you can prepare for to have your big talk.

Here are some examples of situations you may have trouble with...

Here are some good reasons to have a talk, according to the "Tough Talks" survey...

Have the Talk has a lot of tips on how to approach difficult conversations, from talking to your partner about money, talking to your kids about bumpin' uglies (aka SEX, per the urban dictionary), and how to talk to your parents about an estate plan. You should also take their quiz to find out your communication style.

To help soften up the initial invite to talk, you can send a humorous video invite, featuring Frank Caliendo, to that person. Admittedly, I was skeptical of them, but they are really funny.

So go ahead, and leave a comment for Sheila or visit Have the Talk.

(As full disclosure, the Have the Talk website is a campaign by Nationwide insurance, who paid us absolutely nothing to post this. We just thought it would be a great resource for our readers.)

Finances and Relationships: Dropping the Debt Bomb?

Posted on November 01, 2007 by Him

candlelightdinner.jpg
photo: agiel

Her and I met early on during our collegiate careers when we both had little debt, student loan or otherwise. To us, racking up debt was a normal part of college life, so it didn't bother either of us when the other pulled out a credit card to pay for something (in retrospect, that was probably a bad idea). We did everything together as we built our fledgling relationship, from getting wasted at parties studying really hard for classes to building a future of debt. So when we finally divulged our financial malaise to each other, the fact that we each had debt wasn't a surprise.

I wonder how different that conversation would have went had we met in different circumstances. How would this conversion even be brought up? Would I have still stayed with Her knowing how much debt she had? Would Her have been fine with my frivolous spending? Or would have ended with us making out and forgetting about it until another day? We often try and speculate about these things and talk about these "what if" scenarios, but both of us really don't know what would happen.

If you met your partner and either of you had significant debt coming into the relationship, how did you handle it? Have you shied away from serious relationships because of your financial status? Have yours or your partners' debt been the demise of a relationship?

(sorry, no one is going to see our Halloween pics from last night, that would make us not-so-anonymous now, wouldn't it?)

Getting Drunk Or Oil Changes For Cheap (Or Free)

Posted on May 28, 2007 by Him

This past weekend I went to lunch with a friend of mine from way back in the day. Although I haven't seen this guy in quite a while, when we do get together it usually results in a crazy night where I wake up without pants (in my bed, mind you) and half-eaten Doritos all over me. The great thing is that almost all of my cash that I left the apartment with is usually still left in my pants, wherever I left them.

What I neglected to say is that my friend is bartender. Not only does that mean free drinks at the bar that he works at, but he seems to know every bartender at every other Chicago bar. He also worked at a restaurant, and when he did we would get heavily discounted meals at nice places. Alas, the biggest expense whenever we went out were for cab rides and tips.

Normally, I'd really feel guilty taking all of the free drinks, but I NEVER ask to go out to the bars with him. Whenever I invite him out, it is usually for lunch where I can pay for myself. Whenever he invites me out, it is generally to a tavern or six. I consider myself really lucky to have such a generous, well connected friend.

When it comes to getting discounted services, I also able to get inexpensive service performed on our car. A family friend of ours has been the mechanic for all of our cars for the past 10 years. At first we would bring our cars to him because we knew he wouldn't rip us off, and he would charge us only a fraction of the labor charges. Now when we ask him to look at our cars he offers to do it "on the side" at his house, assuming it isn't too complicated. He takes a little longer, but only charges us for any parts. Of course we add in some extra cash to compensate him for his work.

In the first example, I get free stuff because of a mutual friend relationship - we do more than drink. In the second example, it is purely a business relationship - we only really see each other when the car needs work.

Do any of your relationships (business, friendships, etc.) directly affect your personal finances? How did these relationships come about, and how are the discounted services or goods handled?

(Un)Happy Mother's Day

Posted on May 10, 2007 by Him

Two days ago I wrote about the Asian cultural phenomenon of giving back to your parents. As I stated in that post, I don't mind giving back during special occasions in the form of nice meals at restaurants or nice presents. I don't mind because I feel like it should come from me, not because there is a cultural expectation or because my parents expect it.

My mother tends to take this notion the wrong way and as a result often puts us in uncomfortable financial situations. She feels (dare I say) entitled to receive her payback in the way that she chooses - and if she doesn't get it her way, she'll bulldoze us until she does. For example, she has no qualms about asking me how much my bonus was and asking for a portion of it (I declined on both questions). This trait of hers is definitely most apparent when it comes to eating out.

You see, in my family we tend to skimp on presents and place a large emphasis on food. We have a tradition of rallying and celebrating around food. Therefore, whenever there is a birthday or Mother's/Father's Day or whatever, we usually go out to eat.

In fact, the recent $300 meal at Fogo de Chao was my idea to celebrate my dad's birthday. My mom was very pleased at that place because she knew it was expensive, and even suggested we take her there for her birthday which was two weeks later! When her birthday came around, I asked her if we could do something less expensive because we were still reeling from the previous dinner. Needless to say, she was quite offended. We ended up going to a restaurant where the tab came out to $70 for the two of us.

About a year ago we went to P.F Chang's for my dad's birthday. (Yes I know it is barely Asian food but it was close to where we all work and it was easy on the pocketbook.) Of course we offered to pay. While my dad was fine with the choice of restaurant, my mom definitely felt like we were being cheap, and it showed. She made snarky comments about the low price of the menu items and kept talking about other, nice, and more expensive restaurants. We decided to dine family style, so I suggested that we all pick one item from the menu and then we'll all share. That apparently did not fly with my mom who then proceeded to order not one, not two, but THREE entrees. What was formerly a wallet friendly meal now ate up (pun somewhat intended) a large chunk of change.

Now let us fast forward to this upcoming mother's day. This mother's day, we decided to actually follow some advice floating around the personal finance blogosphere and instead of taking my mom out to a restaurant for mother's day brunch, we offered to drive to her house and cook her brunch. So far she is extremely lukewarm to the idea - mainly because we're not going to spend a lot of money on food for her.

We've already spend close to $400 on food for them in the past two months or so, and we definitely don't need to spend more. Don't get me wrong - I don't mind giving back, but not when it is on these terms.

Raise your children to rely on them - Asian Culture And Finances

Posted on May 08, 2007 by Him

I grew up as the child of two Asian immigrants (I'm not giving up my actual ethnicity for the sake of some anonymity). My parents came to America over 30 years ago, and have been naturalized citizens for a long time. I was born and raised here in the United States, exposed mainly to U.S. culture but being very familiar with the nuances of our particular brand of Asian culture.

One of the beliefs that has been ingrained into my head since a very early age is that it is proper and respectful to somehow pay back my parents for all of the years of work and money that they have put into raising me. My mom would always "joke" that when I grew up and made a lot of money I could then buy my parents nice cars, send them on nice vacations, or buy them nice stuff. When my parents told me those things, I knew it was in a half-joking half-serious manner. I knew that my parents worked hard to raise me, so back when I was a kid I dreamed of paying back my parents in lavish ways. This particular sentiment is not just unique to my family or me or just my brand of Asian culture.

This nuance of Asian culture is expanded upon in this article from the OC Register.

As the children grow older, parents around the dinner table might brag about their son or daughter's successful career, followed by frank discussions of how their children help financially. It is not unusual for adult children in Asian families to contribute money to their parents on a monthly basis to help pay for their parents' mortgages and other living expenses.

That's right - giving back by paying mortgages and other living expenses. Here's a little more:

"It's just expected in our culture...our parents raise us and then we help take care of them now that we have good careers. It's the right thing to do." Monthly checks of $150 or $300 from each child are not uncommon amounts given to parents. Often it's not because the parents are in dire financial straits, but because it's a matter of family duty.

But others don't have the luxury of giving much money to their parents:

"I barely make enough money to cover rent and my student loans...I used to give (my parents) $200 to $300 a month, but it was killing me so I had to stop. They haven't said anything to me but I know they must think I'm a slacker."

And others still give even when they don't have the means:

For a while last year, Mai was laid off from his computer engineer job at Hewlett-Packard and couldn't give his parents a portion of his earnings. Still, he plunked down about $6,000 to buy them a vacation package to China.

In our household, we're figuring out how all of this plays into our financial life. The primary reason for this is that Her is NOT Asian - she's as American and white as you can get. In the way that she was raised, the flow of money generally goes from the older generation to the younger generation. For us, not only is this a financial issue, but also a cultural one as well. While going out to nice dinners and giving nice presents during birthdays and Christmas are the norm for both of us, Her is uneasy with these extra financial cultural obligations and has offered to compromise.

Here are some questions for you, dear readers:

Do you give money to your parents other than for special occasions?

Do they expect (whether it is spoken or not) to be repaid financially for their work as a parent?

What does your significant other think about this cultural repayment plan?

I'm really wanting to hear what Mapgirl, Jim, LaMoneyGuy, and any other Asian personal finance bloggers (or just regular Asians) have to say about this.

Reader Question: Merging Finances?

Posted on May 07, 2007 by Him

Reader D writes to us with this question:

Here's my question, and I apologize if it's long. My boyfriend and I have recently made the decision to move in together and this, of course, requires a certain amount of financial meshing. I was wondering if you have any advice or any readers' stories about how couples have managed this kind of quasi-joint situation. We have a shared household budget, but the rest of what I make is mine and the rest of what he makes is his. On one hand, we want to plan for the financial future together, but on the other hand, we've not reached the point where we are ready to share all our money. We have no plans yet to get engaged or married, although that is the hope for many years down the road. How do we plan for a future together, work towards joint goals, and maintain a trusting relationship while we're in this I-love-you-but-I'm-not-ready-to-give-you-access-to-all-my-money period?

If there's anything we do know about finances, we do know the difficulties of the cohabitation without commitment. In fact, we ourselves lived in sin for a whole year before we were engaged. For what I'm going to write, I'm going to assume that engagement time may be a little more in the future than you'd like. Here's how we made it work without jeopardizing our individual futures if the relationship turned sour.

1. COVER YOUR ASS. And by that I mean sign a cohabitation agreement. Hey look, we even have a whole post dedicated to the subject. No, these aren't romantic, but neither is morning breath. Her also has a great post on a book you may want to read: Shacking Up: The Smart Girl's Guide to Living in Sin Without Getting Burned.

2. KEEP ACCOUNTS SEPARATE. By the looks of it, you're already doing that. For the joint household account, in the interest of fairness, I'd suggest that you each put in an amount of the household stuff that is proportional to your salary. For Her and I, it was easy since we made exactly the same salary when we first moved in together. Also, keep a firm list of what is "household" - and only allocate money to that account for items on that list. Keep your own money your own money.

This also goes for savings accounts. You should each have one in your name. See #1. If things go sour, you'll need to have some money saved to get your ass out in one financially okay piece. Agree to save a proportional amount of savings, with the intention that in the future that will all become both of your monies.

Anyway, how is he going to save for an expensive nice engagement ring without you knowing?

3. START SMALL. You're timid about sharing your financial life together, and you have everything separate. But you have to start somewhere, right? For that, I'd recommend that you take baby steps. Open up a joint savings account. Agree to a smallish amount that you'd like to save together - for example maybe $50 a month from each of you. As time goes on and your comfort level increases, increase the amount. You can also agree to dump some of your personal savings into that joint account. Just make sure that there is a consistent method to allocating these funds.

4. DEVELOP A PLAN. You want to plan a future together? Work towards mutual goals? That's great! Now you need a plan. A great book that will help you get started is Smart Couples Finish Rich: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner. Write down your values. Write down your goals. Prioritize them and spend and save accordingly. Check out our value based plan for a start.

I hope that what I've written helps with your fledgling cohabitation. It may not have the feminine touch that Her graces her posts with, but I think it's good enough, right? (Remember, we are not responsible for the actions that you take as a result of anything said on this blog. Please don't sue if it doesn't work out.)

Money Discussions Still Uncomfortable

Posted on March 28, 2007 by Her

I can tell when something is bothering Him. Him gets all quiet and skulky, and last week Him had been skulky for over a week. Uh-oh. I finally pried out the problem: Money and Us. Yikes.

Turns out I have been spending my allowance, plus some of our joint account money, on stuff that I thought was "for our house." In Him's opinion, that stuff was more "for Her's house." Stuff like a vase, a kitchen grater, etc. Yeah, it is stuff for the house, but I'm the only one who is ever going to use them!

Him reminded me that I should use my allowance for stuff that only I want. We both talked about how the allowance can sometimes suck, because it seems we never have enough money to buy ourselves anything nice. The allowance basically covers a few lunches with co-workers or drinks with friends, but certainly not a nice piece of clothing or an electronic gadget. We're both frustrated. At the same time, we don't want to increase our allowances because we're focusing on saving for the wedding right now. During our conversation, our emotions boiled over and it was hard to work things out.

I was surprised that after all this time, we still have difficulty talking about money. It is a skill we will be working on forever, I guess.

Cheese Graters and the Force

Posted on March 29, 2007 by Him

Yesterday's post by Her garnered some good discussion, and there are a few details that I'd also like to address.

This whole issue is not about a cheese grater or a vase, or any ONE particular item. Admittedly, I'm not that much of a cheese fan (lactose intolerance does that), but the grater was a really cool purchase for its ability to shred parmesan with ease.

From her post:

Stuff like a vase, a kitchen grater, etc. (emphasis mine)

It is the et cetera that I was beginning to worry about. Magically, more and more household items were beginning to appear. Some napkin rings here. Some placemats there. Associated charges from Bloomingdale's and Williams Sonoma appearing on the joint account. Since they were relatively small purchases, it didn't really have a significant effect on our overall finances. Yes, they were small purchases that we'll both end up using, but ultimately I feel like they were Her purchases.

Chicky states it nicely:

I'm guessing it wasn't so much WHAT was purchased, but that you were the one that got to choose the exact item, buy it, and spend the money.

That is in stark contrast to the purchases that I like to make on the joint account. I feel like I have to ask for every purchase, not because Her is in control of the account, but because I want to make sure that it is a purchase we're both going to be on the same page about. 99% of the time Her just tells me to go ahead and buy it.

The real issue here is that with the increase of our available cash flow, the Force method of budgeting is failing us (but we already knew that). Many have commented along the lines of "well, if it is in your household budget, then it shouldn't be a problem."

The problem is that we don't have a budget for household items. Just the Force.

If we have, say $500 left over at the end of the month, what's to stop Her from buying $500 of household items? Or me from buying a Mac Mini and say that's what the Dark Side of the Force wanted me to do? (okay okay, I'll stop with the incredibly dorky Star Wars references)

When we discussed this, we agreed that an arbitrary amount of leftover money could lead to a slippery slope of buying a lot of et cetera for both of us. By actually having a budget for household items, Her can have more freedom to buy whatever household items she wants as long as it fits in the budget.

I'll just have to make sure there's an electronics budget, too.

Relationships and Finances, Reader Submission: JP's Story

Posted on February 12, 2007 by Him

This is a part of our continuing series on reader submissions on relationships and finances. If you would like to share your story on relationships and finances, please see this post Without further ado, here's JP's story.

Okay, I will admit it. Finances is one of our worst areas of communication. There are so many problems, and we don't really deal with any of them. But here goes:

A quick portrait - as a single woman in my 20s I made enough to save, invest, give to charities, travel, and spend on small splurges (mostly books and a pedicure every six months or so). My parents paid for my college degree, so I didn't have student loans. I had gotten into a bit of a credit card hole as a teen, but my parents closed the account with a stern warning not to spend money I didn't have. They paid off the card I got at my university's bookstore to the tune of about $700. For almost ten more years I never got another credit card, using just my check card or cash. I financed a car and paid it off in 2 years, and generally rented with roommates.

My now-husband was divorced with a child, and was also a small business owner trying to re-invest as much money as possible into his company; thus his salary was pretty meager. After the divorce he didn't want to battle his ex-wife and conceded a lot. His child support payments were so high that he could not live on his own, so he lived with his parents -- culturally acceptable because he is Hispanic and very close to his family. Together with his parents he rented an apartment. As a fairly recent immigrant he had bought a new car (but a modest one) at an average price, but with less-that-stellar financing that he eventually paid off. My husband did not have any credit cards or any other debt. Without his knowledge, my husband's ex-wife got several credit cards ran up the bills, and never paid. These were eventually "charged off." My husband always paid his bills, though sometimes late. When he checked his credit, it was wrecked. He contacted the credit card companies, and without much trouble got the major black marks off his credit report since he had never signed, used or even known about the cards.

While we were dating we lived separately and had a fair number of talks about certain aspects of our finances. We planned to buy a condo and move in when we got married. Which we did. The real estate agent advised my husband to get a credit card and use it responsibly to build up his credit. He did, and I did the same. We got a great mortgage rate and some extra assistance with the purchase through a First-Time Homebuyers program in our area. We bought a condo I knew we could afford.

We paid for our wedding with savings and gifts from our parents. We have done a lot of work on the apartment ourselves and furnished it with a lot of things we got at the wedding. We are pretty frugal.

Though I imagined we would share money after we got married, it hasn't happened. With my higher salary I pay our mortgage, our telephone bill, our homeowners insurance, car insurance and medical insurance, my own cell phone bill, and some other minor monthly bills. My husband pays for our cable and our condo fee, in addition to his child support. I pay a greater portion of our entertainment and grocery costs, but he does pay sometimes. I came to terms with the child support before we got married. I truly believe that it is not in the best interest of his son that he pays so much, and I think he would agree but he does not want to go back to haggle with his ex about it. And I have accepted that. He did increase his salary when we bought the condo, but it is still about half of mine.

I'm stretched a lot farther financially now. I rarely have extra money for the little things I used to do, and save a lot less. And sometimes I resent that. I worry about paying for college or having more kids or some unforeseen medical disaster just around the corner or being able to take the vacations I want.

When I start to talk about money, he always winds up saying -- "If you need money, just ask." But even if I do ask, it is usually forgotten. I wouldn't put myself in a situation where I really needed his money. I don't know if he feels that our financial burden is as unequal as I think it is. Maybe it is pretty equal and I just need to hear his side. Maybe I just need to ask for more. Maybe I just worry too much.

The thing is, his smaller salary doesn't bother me. I don't mind that we almost never go out to eat or go to the movies. And this whole financial analysis makes my husband sound so lesser, when in reality he is an amazing amazing husband and one of the most incredible fathers you have ever seen. He is gorgeous, and funny, and helps out around the house, and sometimes surprises me with a note in my purse or dinner cooking when I get home tired or a foot massage. He always has the words to make me believe, and is so supportive of me in ways no other man has been. I could go on and on - the patience, the sex, the trust. And I think, so what does money matter? We have enough.

We have talked about him staying home if we have more kids, and I think it would be great. And he really wants more.

We have agreed that is his ex-wife tries to apply for more child support, we will fight it. (But I swear -- if his ex-wife was in need I would gladly help her out. Take my word for it, she does not need the extra income. And she is not very good with money - my dream is that if she takes us to court for more money, maybe we can stop with the child support altogether and save that money for college for the kid. He spends half his time with us and we split or cover costs of all the basics, anyhow.)

We have talked about me going back to school ~ I'd like to change careers.

We have talked about getting a new car.

We have talked about helping some of his extended family overseas and talked about moving back there once V goes to college.

We have talked about taking care of our parents when they are older, or my brother who is developmentally disabled.

But those are dreams, plans, hopes and fears. We haven't talked about who will pay the next time we go to the grocery store.

Here and now, I am left with bills that will take up most of my paycheck and a shockingly small amount left over. Lucky he is so damn good.

Reader Question: Financial Transparency for Couples, Part 1

Posted on December 11, 2006 by Her

Reader Jay has a problem:

…One problem my wife and I have is that there is limited financial visibility into her accounts. She does everything on paper and in check registers. I do everything on-line and have a spreadsheet on our home PC that projects my finances 5 years into the future. Her contributions to the projection are fields with her name in deposit or withdrawal fields. There's a lack of willing participation on her part because she perceives my inquiries into her finances as either a violation of her privacy or as evidence that I consider her a spend-thrift. It makes it very difficult to plan our future when half of the money isn't really visible for planning. How did you guys get to the point where both your finances were laid out on the table? Do you have weekly meetings?

I understand how Jay feels because Him and I had the exact same problem. Disclosing my finances to Him was terrifying and only happened after an ultimatum. Hopefully, the suggestions below will help Jay and his wife get past this without an ultimatum.

I think this post actually reveals five issues. I’ll post my thoughts on one issue each day this week.

1. There are two different methods of documentation being used.
According to John M. Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, one of the keys to productive communication is to allow your partner to influence you. Jay and his wife each prefer a different method of record-keeping. To have equal knowledge and power over financial decisions, they need to choose one system they can share. I suggest that Jay and his wife sit down and present the pros and cons of their system to each other. They could also research other systems together, such as using Quicken or Money software. They could even modify the existing spreadsheet to reflect their combined wishes. During these discussions, they need to be open to their partner’s influence. The focus should be on finding common ground, not on winning the argument.

Other posts in this series:
2. There are unclear privacy boundaries. (Tuesday)
3. There are two different spending styles at odds. (Wednesday)
4. No dedicated time exists for talking about finances. (Thursday)
5. There’s no unified financial plan (Friday)

Reader Question: Financial Transparency for Couples, Part 2

Posted on December 12, 2006 by Her

This post is part of our week-long series on Creating Financial Transparency for Couples.

2. There are unclear privacy boundaries.
Jay believes that he has a right to see his wife’s financial statements. Jay’s wife believes that she has a right to keep her financial statements private. According to Anne Kathering, author of Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day, clarifies this boundary issue. Making important decisions together promotes intimacy. Refusing to discuss important matters is a violation of intimacy boundaries. Jay’s wife could reframe this issue to see that by allowing Jay to share her financial statements, she is being intimate and building a strong foundation for their relationship. In return, Jay could acknowledge the gift of intimacy his wife has shared with him, and show her that he appreciates her effort.

Other posts in this series:
1. There are two different methods of documentation being used. (Monday)
3. There are two different spending styles at odds. (Wednesday)
4. No dedicated time exists for talking about finances. (Thursday)
5. There’s no unified financial plan (Friday)

Reader Question: Financial Transparency for Couples, Part 3

Posted on December 13, 2006 by Her

This post is part of our week-long series on Creating Financial Transparency for Couples.

3. There are two different spending styles at odds.
Jay says that his wife perceives his attention to her finances as evidence that she is a spendthrift. My guess is that she probably has good reason. It sounds as though Jay may be a saver while his wife is a spender. When these are the roles you play, you are pulling in opposite directions. The key is to drop the script entirely and start rehearsing a new performance: financial responsibility. For us, this required two strategies:

David Bach, author of Smart Couples Finish Rich, advocates creating a Value-Based Plan. Jay and his wife should develop a list of mutual values (check out ours here), then prioritize their spending to match their values. If they both value good health, then neither can argue with spending a large sum on a gym membership. A value-based plan will allow them to simultaneously spend AND save toward their goals.

Our other strategy was to create a primary joint account (for all shared expenses) and two personal allowance accounts. We agreed on a fair allowance, and do not check each other’s allowance account statements. This gives us privacy and freedom to splurge on small items. For the joint account, we set boundaries. Neither of us can spend that money on something that solely benefits one of us without consulting the other first. I think this dual system might work well for Jay and his wife too.

Other posts in this series:
1. There are two different methods of documentation being used. (Monday)
2. There are unclear privacy boundaries. (Tuesday)
4. No dedicated time exists for talking about finances. (Thursday)
5. There’s no unified financial plan (Friday)

Reader Question: Financial Transparency for Couples, Part 4

Posted on December 14, 2006 by Her

This post is part of our week-long series on Creating Financial Transparency for Couples.

4. No dedicated time exists for talking about finances.
Jay and his wife haven’t been able to set up a routine time to talk about finances. I’m guessing that this results in a feeling of dread every time the subject comes up. Rather, we have a routine that allows us to talk regularly about finances. Every Saturday we check the joint account balance. We review the week’s bills together and then pay them. Him uses the computer to make online payments while I hand write the date and amount paid on each statement, then I file them. Next we review the remaining account balance and decide how much to allocate toward savings and weekly spending. We often disagree, but allow ourselves to be persuaded. We discuss upcoming expenses and use a dry erase board to note any upcoming financial issues. For the big picture issues, we call a “state of our union address.” These tend to be pretty long talks where we discuss finances and other relationship issues. We try to keep it gentle and loving. I recommend Jay and his wife try setting up a time to meet weekly and also a few times a year to talk neutrally about money.

Other posts in this series:
1. There are two different methods of documentation being used. (Monday)
2. There are unclear privacy boundaries. (Tuesday)
3. There are two different spending styles at odds. (Wednesday)
5. There’s no unified financial plan (Friday)

Reader Question: Financial Transparency for Couples, Part 5

Posted on December 15, 2006 by Her

This post is part of our week-long series on Creating Financial Transparency for Couples.

5. There’s no unified financial plan.
Jay cuts right to the heart of the problem when he says, "It makes it very difficult to plan our future when half of the money isn't really visible for planning." Jay and his wife need to create a Joint Portfolio. This Joint Portfolio should provide balance across all their retirement plans. For example, if Jay has a large share of his company's stock, his wife could avoid that market sector/market cap size/etc in her own portfolio, thus balancing Jay's portfolio. At the very least, Jay and his wife should be aware of each other's holdings. Perhaps they could balance the entire joint portfolio once, then each be responsible for re-balancing their own portfolio each quarter. Creating a Joint Portfolio takes a lot of time and effort, so it should probably be a long-term goal. We are just now outlining the steps we’ll take and starting our research. Jay and our other readers can follow our progress as we go.

This concludes our series on Creating Financial Transparency for Couples. I hope that Jay and his wife will find our suggestions helpful. It's worth it to check out the books I referenced as well. Though they are not all specific to finances, they offer suggestions on how to communicate and set boundaries to build a strong foundation in your relationship. When you are comfortable, it is much easier to work out money issues. Best wishes to Jay and his wife!

Other posts in this series:
1. There are two different methods of documentation being used. (Monday)
2. There are unclear privacy boundaries. (Tuesday)
3. There are two different spending styles at odds. (Wednesday)
4. No dedicated time exists for talking about finances. (Thursday)

Page: 1 - 2 | Next Page »