• Posts Tagged ‘humor’

    Saving on Gas

    by  • September 14, 2011 • Tagged: ,  • Comments

    Working

    image: xkcd

    These days Her and I drive much, much more than we used to, for reasons that I’ll explain in a later post. Of course that means that we’re saddled with high costs at the gas pump. We’re having to fill up about once a week, and with gas prices being the highest in the nation in Chicago, that adds up to about $160 a month. Here’s a few things we do to soften the blow:

    • Maintain our car – We have a small Japanese 10 year old car with only ~75,000 miles on it. It gets decent gas mileage, but not as much as newer cars. It’s the simple things like making sure that we have correct tire air pressure that can add up to overall substantial savings
    • Gas up in the ‘burbs - Readers of our blog know that we’re not the biggest fan of the ‘burbs, but recently we’re have more stuff that we have to get done there. Gas stations a block from our home in Chicago are selling gas for $4.19/gallon; gas in the nearest Chicago suburb is $3.94/gallon. No, we wouldn’t drive out there for the sole purpose of filling up the tank, but if we’re out there we might as well do it.
    • Use rewards cards - During the past few months, the Chase Freedom card offered 5% back on gas purchases, so that’s nice.
    • Know the gas stations - On our new commute, we drive by a dozen or so gas stations. I’ve made a mental note of which gas stations have lower prices. Every little bit helps.

    How do you save money on gas?

    This Valentine’s Day, Make Love, Not Debt (GIVEAWAY!!!!)

    by  • February 11, 2009 • Tagged: , ,  • Comments

    doingit.jpg
    image adapted from conradh

    So you want to do something nice for your significant other (SO) this Valentine’s Day, but don’t have the cash?

    Do you think that you need to take your SO to a nice restaurant or get an overly-saccharine trinket or card?

    SCREW THAT. Better yet, screw each other! Why do anything that costs money when having sex is COMPLETELY FREE and FEELS REALLY GOOD.

    What other free activity can relieve stress, boost your immune system, burn calories, improve cardiovasuclar health, boost self-esteem, improve intimacy, reduce pain, prevent prostate cancer, strengthen pelvic flow muscles, and helps you sleep?

    Instead of spending money, have sex instead. Here are some examples:

    You want to remodel your bathroom? LAY SOME PIPE.

    Need to write a card? DIP YOUR PEN IN THE INK!

    Shopping for shoes? KNOCK BOOTS.

    Need to tear down your garage? WRECK IT IN THE BEDROOM.

    What’s your favorite euphemism for doing the dirty deed? Leave your answer in the comments and we’ll pick one at random to receive a copy of Please Send Money! A Financial Survival Guide for Young Adults on Their Own by Dara Duguay. Get your entries in by next Sunday, February 15, 11:59 PM CST. We’ll pick a winner on the following Monday. Good Luck!

    Suck It, Black Friday

    by  • November 28, 2008 • Tagged: ,  • Comments

    It is noon and we’re just waking up.

    And we didn’t spend a single dollar.

    Black Friday, you may have enticed us in the past. But not this year! SUCK IT.

    No, We Don’t Need A New Bed

    by  • November 19, 2008 • Tagged: ,  • Comments

    Last night Her decided that it was cold enough to start using the electric blanket. I helped her get everything setup so that we could enjoy a toasty night’s sleep. While setting up, we remembered something pretty funny (to us) about living together a few years ago.

    “Hey, do you remember when we wanted to buy a new mattress?” I asked.

    “Yeah,” she replied. “We wanted a new one because we didn’t fit in the bed-”

    “-and we fell through the mattress frame a few times,” I finished, while pressing down on the bed.

    Her frowned. “Oh yeah, I remember that. Why didn’t we end up buying a new bed?”

    “We lost 80 pounds between the two of us in the last two years,” I said, rubbing my flatter belly. “Now we fit.”

    Her’s eyes widened. “We lost a schoolchild’s worth of fat!”

    “I EAT CHILDREN! PUT SCHOOLCHILDREN IN MY BELLY!”

    This is how we decided that we could get by with a full sized bed for a few more years.

    It’s Kind of Weird to Put a $20 Bill in Your RSVP Envelope

    by  • August 25, 2008 • Tagged: ,  • Comments

    Dear Uncle Ray,

    I received your R.s.v.p. for our wedding today and I’m sorry you will not be able to attend. I also received the $20 bill you stuck in the envelope. Without a note of explanation, I can only assume that this is a wedding gift and hope you didn’t accidentally put your phone bill payment in the wrong envelope. Financial times are tough and I appreciate your kindness, and you’ll definitely get a thank you note from us.

    Still, it’s kind of weird to put a $20 bill in your R.s.v.p. envelope. I’m just sayin’.

    Love,
    Her

    It’s Kind of Weird to RSVP For An Extra Dinner

    by  • August 22, 2008 • Tagged: ,  • Comments

    Dear Mike & Christine,

    I received your R.s.v.p. for our wedding today and am thrilled that you plan to attend. However, I can’t help but notice that you selected three entrees for the two of you. I don’t think you’re planning to bring an uninvited guest (or at least, you did not indicate so on the guest total), so I can only assume that you are planning to work up quite an appetite. We can’t wait to see you burn those calories on the dance floor!

    It’s just kind of weird that you’re planning on eating two dinners. Just sayin’.

    Love,
    Her

    Hi-fives for Financial Stability!

    by  • May 2, 2008 • Tagged: , ,  • Comments

    In the mornings as Her and I get ready for work, we listen to NPR’s Morning Edition. This morning host Steve Inskeep was segueing into a commercial break, and said something along these lines:

    “Next up, there’s a new class divide in America. Those who aren’t having trouble paying off their debt and those who are…”

    Her: WHOO-HOO! (raising hand in air)

    Him: Whoo-hoo what?

    Her: WHOO-HOO for being able to pay down our debt! (hand still in air)

    Him: Yeah! Go us! (slapping hi-five)

    It’s the little things.

    An Open Letter To The Financial Market

    by  • January 22, 2008 • Tagged: ,  • Comments

    Dear Markets,

    We’ve heard that you’re having a rough time. We can’t imagine how it feels to have rates slashed, but it doesn’t seem to be making you better. Hang in there!

    We just wanted to let you know that we’re not retiring for a while, maybe in 30 years! So go ahead and do your thing. We’ll still believe in you and keep plowing money into you. Some even say that this is a great time to buy more of you!

    We’ll check back with you in a few years.

    Get well soon!

    Love,
    Him & Her

    Restaurant Whoops

    by  • August 13, 2007 • Tagged: ,  • Comments

    Has this scenario ever happened to you?

    You’re on your way home from visiting family that’s about 4 hours away, and you want to get something relatively inexpensive to eat. Maybe something like Applebee’s but not a chain. You’re not familiar with the area, but see some good restaurants. After picking what looks like and inexpensive place you’ll like, you enter the restaurant, and ask the hostess to seat you. She cheerfully obliges, and on your way to your table you see that everyone is pretty much dressed like you, so it has to be a casual place. You can’t help but smell and see succulent dishes being served to the other patrons. You think to yourself, “Damn I’m good at picking value restaurants.”

    You get to your table and are seated, and the hostess lets you know that your waiter will be with you in a minute. You pick up the menu and open it to the entrees…

    …to see that everything is $25+.

    After you and your dining partner silently and uncomfortably flip through the rest of the menu, you look at each other. “Well, we only live once,” one of you nervously chuckles. Visions of numbers being added up dance around in your head. Not good, not good.

    You flip through the menu again, maybe to see if there was a misprint or the decimal point was put in the wrong spot or if there’s the non-appetizer dish that’s under $15. It only seems like everything is getting more expensive.

    You finally decide, “Let’s just leave. Before the waiter comes and takes our order.”

    “OMG, can you do that? Have you ever done that before?”

    “Yeah, once. During a business trip.”

    “Uh…okay.”

    After surveying the area, you look for the fastest way to get to the exit. In your mind you think, “1, 2, 3, GO GO GO.” You get up, controlling the urge to sprint. You make your way to the exit, looking behind you to see if your dining partner was sniped by a waiter. “We’re gonna make it,” you tell yourself sheepishly.

    Almost to the exit, you see the hostess resume her position at the greeters podium. Your mind is saying “Abort!” but your legs continue to move towards the exit. You manage to flash a smile at the hostess on your way out, muttering, “We were looking for something more casusal.” Your partner zooms by, head down, no eye contact. You finally manage to push through the doors, and let out a sigh of relief. You made it out to dine another day.

    (Yeah, I could have just wrote, “Have you ever sat down in a restaurant, saw the prices were too high, and then walked out?” but that would have been soooo boring.)

    Finances and Romance Don’t Mix

    by  • June 7, 2007 • Tagged: ,  • Comments

    I’m sure you’ve seen this commercial for Chase bank. To sum up, a young woman gets her first paycheck, then immediately runs out to open her first checking account, of course at Chase. For some reason the scene cuts to her dancing around a fountain; apparently she got some good stuff that I didn’t get when I opened up a Chase account. She then proceeds to buy a puppy, walks down the street, pay bills, and have lunch with friends and pay for the bill like we do, but of course all of these actions are punctuated with her looking at her Chase account on her phone, on the computer, or an ATM.

    It is the last part of the commercial that really irks me. For your pleasure, I’ll post some screenshots of the final scene with some commentary…

    firstpaycheck1.jpg
    You’re gettin’ some tonight…

    firstpaycheck4.jpg
    Wait! I have to take this call.

    firstpaycheck3.jpg
    Oh, it’s just my other boyfriend Chase. Yay deposit!

    firstpaycheck5.jpg
    Sorry for the blue balls!

    Seriously? Who does that? What would you do if your make-out session were so rudely interrupted by your make-out partner for such a trite action?

    Listen to No One…I Mean Everyone…I Mean…

    by  • April 13, 2007 • Tagged: ,  • Comments

    Many read personal finance blogs in hopes of learning about a juicy financial tidbit that will help skyrocket them to their dreams. In order to avoid any potential lawsuits, these blogs prominently display a disclaimer telling their readers that the writer does not, in fact, give financial advice, just juicy tidbits, and to therefore seek the advice of a professional before acting on said juicy tidbit.

    These same personal finance blogs, in order to provide you with your juicy tidbit, often tell the masses to avoid financial professionals for various reasons.

    So if you’re not supposed act upon the advice on personal finance bloggers, then should you do the opposite of what they’re saying? Or should you actually ask a financial professional for advice that the blogger told you not to ask for, potentially spiraling you into financial decay? Then maybe the blogger IS responsible and should get mauled by disapproving bunnies.

    (I’ve worked a lot of overtime this week. This is all I got.)

    Enjoy your Friday the 13th.

    Thinking About Commitment? Maybe This Prospectus Can Make You Reconsider

    by  • February 14, 2007 • Tagged:   • Comments

    Are you tired of boring serious relationships that are in your current love portfolio? Are you looking for in a commitment to invest in? Are you sure that is the right investment for you?

    Maybe you want to grow your portfolio and penetrate new markets. I’ve found a great investment for those looking for something else: “Friends With Benefits.” (click the image to see the full size, (1214 X 1665, 270KB)

    Valentinesportfolio.jpg

    I hope that after seeing this you’ll reconsider how you invest into your love portfolio. Call us anytime!

    (oh yeah, Happy Valentine’s Day!)

    (image from today’s RedEye – a part of a Virgin Mobile ad – view the PDF [850KB])

    Divided Household – Working Out A Serious Problem

    by  • January 23, 2007 • Tagged: , ,  • Comments

    When I first met Her, we both used the 1040-EZ form to do our taxes. We didn’t make a lot of money, so that was the easy way.

    Then we started to make a little more money. Taxes were becoming…computerized. Since at that point in our lives we weren’t ready to combine our finances, we diverged when it came to picking which tax software we used.

    She picked Turbo Tax.

    I picked Tax Cut.

    For years we did our taxes as separate entities, not foreseeing the impossibly great implications this may have meant down the road.

    Yes, Turbo Tax is looks more polished, but in the past there were reports that there was spyware attached to the program. Tax Cut does look like a Windows 95 program, and is sponsored by H&R Block, a company that we would never want anything to do with.

    Someone please explain to me: Why is Turbo Tax Federal + State always more expensive than Tax Cut Federal + State?

    Please help is in our time of need. We need to pick one tax program. For the sake of our relationship.

    20/20 – How We Stayed Home To Watch This Crap

    by  • January 21, 2007 • Tagged: , , , ,  • Comments

    If you’re looking for a real review of the 20/20 show (read the 4 parts of it here, here, here, aaaand here) then maybe you should read Boston Gal’s, or No Limit Ladies, or Blogging Away Debt, or Frugal Law Student, or Kiss of Debt, or Money Turtle. If you post a review, please email me and I’ll include it here.

    So we stayed up for a little while last night to watch the TiVo’ed episode of 20/20: Flat Broke: Begging and Borrowing in America. Here are my thoughts:

    1. This show is aimed for retarded America. 20/20 is the reason why I try and limit my idiot-box watching to other mindless drivel such as The Office.

    2. If my “fashion sense” is as good as Matt Peterson, someone please kill me. See the glorious screengrab below:

    2020a.jpg

    All I have to say is…is…is…at least I own my sweater. <latina headbob>OH NO I DIDN’T!!! OH YES I WENT THERE!!</latina headbob>

    3. How do I become an intern for 20/20? How much did that person get paid to do this:

    2020b.jpg

    Honestly, that person did a great job of stacking all that. Although I can imagine John Stossel walking by and having his 80′s mustache knock it over. I hate that guy.

    4. Wonder what happened to the Petersons, the ones in debt? Suzie Peterson (but this is the internet, so it could be some guy in his mother’s basement) is actually contributing to the discussion of the show on the 20/20 message boards. On one thread she’s getting encouragement. But not on the other…

    5. I don’t really like grocery shipping as it is, but I will NEVER EVER EVER bring a walkie talkie with me to the grocery store. I’m okay with coupons though.

    6. Some debt collectors are douchebags. There is a special place in hell for them.

    I do think that the good ones are just trying to do their jobs. Some poor business lost money. Someone else didn’t pay. According to the show, it seemed like the good debt collectors were willing to work with the debtor to make things work. Poor guys, they’re just there in order to keep out of debt themselves.

    7. If all else fails and we can’t pay our debt, we can always make a sex tape and “leak” it to the internet, then sign up with a porn distributor to make a movie called “Nasty Debtcapades” or “Debtor Debutantes”.

    Battlestar Galactica > Retirement Plans

    by  • October 26, 2006 • Tagged: , ,  • Comments

    A few weeks ago I was out having a few drinks with few coworkers during happy hour. One of my coworkers (CW1) noted that in a few weeks he will have been at the company for six months. Another coworker (CW2) remaked that he was then eligible to participate in the company retirement plan. Both of these coworkers are my age, maybe a little younger. The conversation went a little like this…

    CW1: Hey, I’ll be at the company for six months in a few weeks!

    CW2: Yeah dude, you’ll be eligible for our 401k. (but we have a SIMPLE IRA…or am I just being nitpicky?)

    CW1: Yeah that’s cool.

    Him: Yeah, I was thinking of rolling over my SIMPLE IRA to a Traditional IRA because I don’t like our investment options. I won’t be eligible to do that until May, though.

    (blank stares)

    CW2: Yeah, my boyfriend works at Morningstar, so he handles all of that stuff for me.

    CW1: I don’t have a clue when it comes to that stuff.

    CW2: Yeah. You guys watch Battlestar Galactica?

    Sigh.

    Plasma Screen TVs are the New Diamonds

    by  • August 2, 2006 • Tagged: ,  • Comments

    I wonder if Tiffany’s has a blue box big enough to wrap a 60″ plasma screen TV. They may need boxes that big pretty soon, as a recent study found that 3 out of 4 women would prefer a plasma screen TV over a diamond necklace.

    If this is the case, this guy knew exactly what he was doing.

    Women in this study would also favor a plasma screen TV over a weekend vacation in Florida, and would also prefer a digital video camera over a pair of shoes.

    I wonder if this would work for engagement rings as well…

    Her: “Uh…Him, why is there a plasma screen TV in my champaign?”

    Him: “It’s a surprise. You’ll see later.”

    Anniversaries?

    Him: “Happy Anniversary!”

    Her: “Oh, some RAM! It’s beautiful!”

    The one thing that I would be afraid of, though, is if diamond encrusted plasma TVs ever hit the market. Then we males would be in real trouble.

    (via Digg or Slashdot, you pick your poison)

    How Much Would You Pay For A Non-Feminine License Plate?

    by  • June 28, 2006 • Tagged: , ,  • Comments

    A few months before we started this blog, I sold my car. The decision was pretty easy and was brought upon by a few factors:

    1. Racked up about $200 in parking tickets in about three months. One fine summer day last year I got two tickets at the same time. When I paid them for some reason the city of Chicago website didn’t process it, but the money came out of our bank account anyway. That was a real treat, trying to prove that I paid tickets with no documentation other than the charges on my bank statement. They ended up only crediting me for one ticket. Note to all: always print out the payment confirmation!

    2. Insurance. When I was younger I got into two minor accidents. Premiums suck.

    3. Gas. Expensive. Even more so today.

    4. My employer pays for our pubic transportation. I love you, CTA.

    5. Driving around and around the block looking for parking spaces. I felt like I had Alzheimer’s going around the same damn blocks over and over and over.

    When I sold my car, I was pretty content with taking public transportation everywhere, and using Her car whenever I needed it.

    Except for her license plate. In the interest of anonymity, let’s say it was “FLUFFY 8.”

    Every time I would drive her car, I felt a little embarrassed. A little emasculated. A little humiliated. Seriously, I couldn’t drive a car with such a feminine license plate. Her car might was well could of had a furry pink steering wheel cover. Ick.

    After much complaining by me, we made a deal. We could get a new license plate at the time the registration sticker expired. I even offered to pay, from my own money, for all of the expenses of getting a new plate, $26 for a new plate and $78 for registration renewal, a total of $104. When we actually renewed it, for some reason we were only charged $26. Someone along the way screwed up, but we weren’t going to correct them.

    $26 dollars for a random number plate. I think that’s a cheap price for a little dignity.

    You Can Sell Anything On Ebay – Small Island Country Edition

    by  • May 12, 2006 • Tagged: ,  • Comments

    Those wacky Australians – one tried to put the whole country of New Zealand for sale.

    He started the bidding at one cent, but it quickly escalated by 22 bidders to 3,000 Australian dollars (equivalent to about 200 dingo eating babies, or 74 kangaroos, or $2,330 US).

    (via Digg)

    We’ve been busy at work this week. Regularly scheduled finance + relationship posts to resume shortly.