Tag: humor
There are 28 entries that are tagged humor. Now displaying reults 1 - 25.
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This Valentine's Day, Make Love, Not Debt (GIVEAWAY!!!!)
Posted on February 11, 2009 by Him
image adapted from conradhSo you want to do something nice for your significant other (SO) this Valentine's Day, but don't have the cash?
Do you think that you need to take your SO to a nice restaurant or get an overly-saccharine trinket or card?
SCREW THAT. Better yet, screw each other! Why do anything that costs money when having sex is COMPLETELY FREE and FEELS REALLY GOOD.
What other free activity can relieve stress, boost your immune system, burn calories, improve cardiovasuclar health, boost self-esteem, improve intimacy, reduce pain, prevent prostate cancer, strengthen pelvic flow muscles, and helps you sleep?
Instead of spending money, have sex instead. Here are some examples:
You want to remodel your bathroom? LAY SOME PIPE.
Need to write a card? DIP YOUR PEN IN THE INK!
Shopping for shoes? KNOCK BOOTS.
Need to tear down your garage? WRECK IT IN THE BEDROOM.
What's your favorite euphemism for doing the dirty deed? Leave your answer in the comments and we'll pick one at random to receive a copy of Please Send Money! A Financial Survival Guide for Young Adults on Their Own
Suck It, Black Friday
Posted on November 28, 2008 by Him
It is noon and we're just waking up.
And we didn't spend a single dollar.
Black Friday, you may have enticed us in the past. But not this year! SUCK IT.
No, We Don't Need A New Bed
Posted on November 19, 2008 by Him
Last night Her decided that it was cold enough to start using the electric blanket. I helped her get everything setup so that we could enjoy a toasty night's sleep. While setting up, we remembered something pretty funny (to us) about living together a few years ago.
"Hey, do you remember when we wanted to buy a new mattress?" I asked.
"Yeah," she replied. "We wanted a new one because we didn't fit in the bed-"
"-and we fell through the mattress frame a few times," I finished, while pressing down on the bed.
Her frowned. "Oh yeah, I remember that. Why didn't we end up buying a new bed?"
"We lost 80 pounds between the two of us in the last two years," I said, rubbing my flatter belly. "Now we fit."
Her's eyes widened. "We lost a schoolchild's worth of fat!"
"I EAT CHILDREN! PUT SCHOOLCHILDREN IN MY BELLY!"
This is how we decided that we could get by with a full sized bed for a few more years.
It's Kind of Weird to Put a $20 Bill in Your RSVP Envelope
Posted on August 25, 2008 by Her
Dear Uncle Ray,
I received your R.s.v.p. for our wedding today and I'm sorry you will not be able to attend. I also received the $20 bill you stuck in the envelope. Without a note of explanation, I can only assume that this is a wedding gift and hope you didn't accidentally put your phone bill payment in the wrong envelope. Financial times are tough and I appreciate your kindness, and you'll definitely get a thank you note from us.
Still, it's kind of weird to put a $20 bill in your R.s.v.p. envelope. I'm just sayin'.
Love,
Her
It's Kind of Weird to RSVP For An Extra Dinner
Posted on August 22, 2008 by Her
Dear Mike & Christine,
I received your R.s.v.p. for our wedding today and am thrilled that you plan to attend. However, I can't help but notice that you selected three entrees for the two of you. I don't think you're planning to bring an uninvited guest (or at least, you did not indicate so on the guest total), so I can only assume that you are planning to work up quite an appetite. We can't wait to see you burn those calories on the dance floor!
It's just kind of weird that you're planning on eating two dinners. Just sayin'.
Love,
Her
Hi-fives for Financial Stability!
Posted on May 02, 2008 by Him
In the mornings as Her and I get ready for work, we listen to NPR's Morning Edition. This morning host Steve Inskeep was segueing into a commercial break, and said something along these lines:
"Next up, there's a new class divide in America. Those who aren't having trouble paying off their debt and those who are..."
Her: WHOO-HOO! (raising hand in air)
Him: Whoo-hoo what?
Her: WHOO-HOO for being able to pay down our debt! (hand still in air)
Him: Yeah! Go us! (slapping hi-five)
It's the little things.
An Open Letter To The Financial Market
Posted on January 22, 2008 by Him
Dear Markets,
We've heard that you're having a rough time. We can't imagine how it feels to have rates slashed, but it doesn't seem to be making you better. Hang in there!
We just wanted to let you know that we're not retiring for a while, maybe in 30 years! So go ahead and do your thing. We'll still believe in you and keep plowing money into you. Some even say that this is a great time to buy more of you!
We'll check back with you in a few years.
Get well soon!
Love,
Him & Her
Restaurant Whoops
Posted on August 13, 2007 by Him
Has this scenario ever happened to you?
You're on your way home from visiting family that's about 4 hours away, and you want to get something relatively inexpensive to eat. Maybe something like Applebee's but not a chain. You're not familiar with the area, but see some good restaurants. After picking what looks like and inexpensive place you'll like, you enter the restaurant, and ask the hostess to seat you. She cheerfully obliges, and on your way to your table you see that everyone is pretty much dressed like you, so it has to be a casual place. You can't help but smell and see succulent dishes being served to the other patrons. You think to yourself, "Damn I'm good at picking value restaurants."
You get to your table and are seated, and the hostess lets you know that your waiter will be with you in a minute. You pick up the menu and open it to the entrees...
...to see that everything is $25+.
After you and your dining partner silently and uncomfortably flip through the rest of the menu, you look at each other. "Well, we only live once," one of you nervously chuckles. Visions of numbers being added up dance around in your head. Not good, not good.
You flip through the menu again, maybe to see if there was a misprint or the decimal point was put in the wrong spot or if there's the non-appetizer dish that's under $15. It only seems like everything is getting more expensive.
You finally decide, "Let's just leave. Before the waiter comes and takes our order."
"OMG, can you do that? Have you ever done that before?"
"Yeah, once. During a business trip."
"Uh...okay."
After surveying the area, you look for the fastest way to get to the exit. In your mind you think, "1, 2, 3, GO GO GO." You get up, controlling the urge to sprint. You make your way to the exit, looking behind you to see if your dining partner was sniped by a waiter. "We're gonna make it," you tell yourself sheepishly.
Almost to the exit, you see the hostess resume her position at the greeters podium. Your mind is saying "Abort!" but your legs continue to move towards the exit. You manage to flash a smile at the hostess on your way out, muttering, "We were looking for something more casusal." Your partner zooms by, head down, no eye contact. You finally manage to push through the doors, and let out a sigh of relief. You made it out to dine another day.
(Yeah, I could have just wrote, "Have you ever sat down in a restaurant, saw the prices were too high, and then walked out?" but that would have been soooo boring.)
Finances and Romance Don't Mix
Posted on June 07, 2007 by Him
I'm sure you've seen this commercial for Chase bank. To sum up, a young woman gets her first paycheck, then immediately runs out to open her first checking account, of course at Chase. For some reason the scene cuts to her dancing around a fountain; apparently she got some good stuff that I didn't get when I opened up a Chase account. She then proceeds to buy a puppy, walks down the street, pay bills, and have lunch with friends and pay for the bill like we do, but of course all of these actions are punctuated with her looking at her Chase account on her phone, on the computer, or an ATM.
It is the last part of the commercial that really irks me. For your pleasure, I'll post some screenshots of the final scene with some commentary...
You're gettin' some tonight...
Wait! I have to take this call.
Oh, it's just my other boyfriend Chase. Yay deposit!
Sorry for the blue balls!
Seriously? Who does that? What would you do if your make-out session were so rudely interrupted by your make-out partner for such a trite action?
Listen to No One...I Mean Everyone...I Mean...
Posted on April 13, 2007 by Him
Many read personal finance blogs in hopes of learning about a juicy financial tidbit that will help skyrocket them to their dreams. In order to avoid any potential lawsuits, these blogs prominently display a disclaimer telling their readers that the writer does not, in fact, give financial advice, just juicy tidbits, and to therefore seek the advice of a professional before acting on said juicy tidbit.
These same personal finance blogs, in order to provide you with your juicy tidbit, often tell the masses to avoid financial professionals for various reasons.
So if you're not supposed act upon the advice on personal finance bloggers, then should you do the opposite of what they're saying? Or should you actually ask a financial professional for advice that the blogger told you not to ask for, potentially spiraling you into financial decay? Then maybe the blogger IS responsible and should get mauled by disapproving bunnies.
(I've worked a lot of overtime this week. This is all I got.)
Enjoy your Friday the 13th.
Thinking About Commitment? Maybe This Prospectus Can Make You Reconsider
Posted on February 14, 2007 by Him
Are you tired of boring serious relationships that are in your current love portfolio? Are you looking for in a commitment to invest in? Are you sure that is the right investment for you?
Maybe you want to grow your portfolio and penetrate new markets. I've found a great investment for those looking for something else: "Friends With Benefits." (click the image to see the full size, (1214 X 1665, 270KB)
I hope that after seeing this you'll reconsider how you invest into your love portfolio. Call us anytime!
(oh yeah, Happy Valentine's Day!)
(image from today's RedEye - a part of a Virgin Mobile ad - view the PDF [850KB])
Divided Household - Working Out A Serious Problem
Posted on January 23, 2007 by Him
When I first met Her, we both used the 1040-EZ form to do our taxes. We didn't make a lot of money, so that was the easy way.
Then we started to make a little more money. Taxes were becoming...computerized. Since at that point in our lives we weren't ready to combine our finances, we diverged when it came to picking which tax software we used.
She picked Turbo Tax.
I picked Tax Cut.
For years we did our taxes as separate entities, not foreseeing the impossibly great implications this may have meant down the road.
Yes, Turbo Tax is looks more polished, but in the past there were reports that there was spyware attached to the program. Tax Cut does look like a Windows 95 program, and is sponsored by H&R Block, a company that we would never want anything to do with.
Someone please explain to me: Why is Turbo Tax Federal + State
Please help is in our time of need. We need to pick one tax program. For the sake of our relationship.
20/20 - How We Stayed Home To Watch This Crap
Posted on January 20, 2007 by Him
If you're looking for a real review of the 20/20 show (read the 4 parts of it here, here, here, aaaand here) then maybe you should read Boston Gal's, or No Limit Ladies, or Blogging Away Debt, or Frugal Law Student, or Kiss of Debt, or Money Turtle. If you post a review, please email me and I'll include it here.
So we stayed up for a little while last night to watch the TiVo'ed episode of 20/20: Flat Broke: Begging and Borrowing in America. Here are my thoughts:
1. This show is aimed for retarded America. 20/20 is the reason why I try and limit my idiot-box watching to other mindless drivel such as The Office.
2. If my "fashion sense" is as good as Matt Peterson, someone please kill me. See the glorious screengrab below:
All I have to say is...is...is...at least I own my sweater. <latina headbob>OH NO I DIDN'T!!! OH YES I WENT THERE!!</latina headbob>
3. How do I become an intern for 20/20? How much did that person get paid to do this:
Honestly, that person did a great job of stacking all that. Although I can imagine John Stossel walking by and having his 80's mustache knock it over. I hate that guy.
4. Wonder what happened to the Petersons, the ones in debt? Suzie Peterson (but this is the internet, so it could be some guy in his mother's basement) is actually contributing to the discussion of the show on the 20/20 message boards. On one thread she's getting encouragement. But not on the other...
5. I don't really like grocery shipping as it is, but I will NEVER EVER EVER bring a walkie talkie with me to the grocery store. I'm okay with coupons though.
6. Some debt collectors are douchebags. There is a special place in hell for them.
I do think that the good ones are just trying to do their jobs. Some poor business lost money. Someone else didn't pay. According to the show, it seemed like the good debt collectors were willing to work with the debtor to make things work. Poor guys, they're just there in order to keep out of debt themselves.
7. If all else fails and we can't pay our debt, we can always make a sex tape and "leak" it to the internet, then sign up with a porn distributor to make a movie called "Nasty Debtcapades" or "Debtor Debutantes".
Holy Crap That's Us!
Posted on November 08, 2006 by Him
EDIT: Yes, the language is cleaned up. No, the people on the referred-to post aren't really us. Seriously.
Battlestar Galactica > Retirement Plans
Posted on October 26, 2006 by Him
A few weeks ago I was out having a few drinks with few coworkers during happy hour. One of my coworkers (CW1) noted that in a few weeks he will have been at the company for six months. Another coworker (CW2) remaked that he was then eligible to participate in the company retirement plan. Both of these coworkers are my age, maybe a little younger. The conversation went a little like this...
CW1: Hey, I'll be at the company for six months in a few weeks!
CW2: Yeah dude, you'll be eligible for our 401k. (but we have a SIMPLE IRA...or am I just being nitpicky?)
CW1: Yeah that's cool.
Him: Yeah, I was thinking of rolling over my SIMPLE IRA to a Traditional IRA because I don't like our investment options. I won't be eligible to do that until May, though.
(blank stares)
CW2: Yeah, my boyfriend works at Morningstar, so he handles all of that stuff for me.
CW1: I don't have a clue when it comes to that stuff.
CW2: Yeah. You guys watch Battlestar Galactica?
Sigh.
We Know Many Disapprove
Posted on October 20, 2006 by Him
Many across the tubes of teh interwebs disapprove of our money management.
But NOBODY disapproves like disapproving rabbits.
Like OMG, they do not approve. (via Cute Overload)
Enjoy your weekend, everyone.
Plasma Screen TVs are the New Diamonds
Posted on August 02, 2006 by Him
I wonder if Tiffany's has a blue box big enough to wrap a 60" plasma screen TV. They may need boxes that big pretty soon, as a recent study found that 3 out of 4 women would prefer a plasma screen TV over a diamond necklace.
If this is the case, this guy knew exactly what he was doing.
Women in this study would also favor a plasma screen TV over a weekend vacation in Florida, and would also prefer a digital video camera over a pair of shoes.
I wonder if this would work for engagement rings as well...
Her: "Uh...Him, why is there a plasma screen TV in my champaign?"
Him: "It's a surprise. You'll see later."
Anniversaries?
Him: "Happy Anniversary!"
Her: "Oh, some RAM! It's beautiful!"
The one thing that I would be afraid of, though, is if diamond encrusted plasma TVs ever hit the market. Then we males would be in real trouble.
(via Digg or Slashdot, you pick your poison)
How Much Would You Pay For A Non-Feminine License Plate?
Posted on June 28, 2006 by Him
A few months before we started this blog, I sold my car. The decision was pretty easy and was brought upon by a few factors:
1. Racked up about $200 in parking tickets in about three months. One fine summer day last year I got two tickets at the same time. When I paid them for some reason the city of Chicago website didn't process it, but the money came out of our bank account anyway. That was a real treat, trying to prove that I paid tickets with no documentation other than the charges on my bank statement. They ended up only crediting me for one ticket. Note to all: always print out the payment confirmation!
2. Insurance. When I was younger I got into two minor accidents. Premiums suck.
3. Gas. Expensive. Even more so today.
4. My employer pays for our pubic transportation. I love you, CTA.
5. Driving around and around the block looking for parking spaces. I felt like I had Alzheimer's going around the same damn blocks over and over and over.
When I sold my car, I was pretty content with taking public transportation everywhere, and using Her car whenever I needed it.
Except for her license plate. In the interest of anonymity, let's say it was "FLUFFY 8."
Every time I would drive her car, I felt a little embarrassed. A little emasculated. A little humiliated. Seriously, I couldn't drive a car with such a feminine license plate. Her car might was well could of had a furry pink steering wheel cover. Ick.
After much complaining by me, we made a deal. We could get a new license plate at the time the registration sticker expired. I even offered to pay, from my own money, for all of the expenses of getting a new plate, $26 for a new plate and $78 for registration renewal, a total of $104. When we actually renewed it, for some reason we were only charged $26. Someone along the way screwed up, but we weren't going to correct them.
$26 dollars for a random number plate. I think that's a cheap price for a little dignity.
You Can Sell Anything On Ebay - Small Island Country Edition
Posted on May 12, 2006 by Him
Those wacky Australians - one tried to put the whole country of New Zealand for sale.
He started the bidding at one cent, but it quickly escalated by 22 bidders to 3,000 Australian dollars (equivalent to about 200 dingo eating babies, or 74 kangaroos, or $2,330 US).
(via Digg)
We've been busy at work this week. Regularly scheduled finance + relationship posts to resume shortly.
Prestigious Degree at MIT? Not until you get feet wet.
Posted on May 08, 2006 by Him
You want a degree at MIT so you can make a lot of money, doing, uh, whatever the nerds over at MIT do?
You better know how to swim.
After reading these great articles on survival during an emergency, I'm pretty sure that if an actual emergency were to occur, most of these kids would be toast.
For the record, both Her and I can pass the test. I just can't swim in a straight line.
(via Digg)
MLND vs. PFBloggers ANIME EDITION!!!!!11111oneoneone
Posted on April 30, 2006 by Him
PFBLOGGERS (PFB): SUPER HYPER TWISTING MOUNTAIN YOU'LL NEVER HAVE A HIGH NET WORTH OR BECOME RICH ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!
MLND: GRASSHOPPER MONKEY STYLE ATTACK #4: BEING RICH AND HAVING A HIGH NET WORTH IS NOT ALL THERE IS TO OUR SELF-WORTH UPSIDE-DOWN KNUCLE PUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!
PFB: OMNIPOTENT SUNFIRE LEAPING BULL YOU HAVE TOO MUCH CREDIT CARD DEBT FLYING KNEE!!!!!!!!!!!
MLND: TEN SWORDS OF SHIVA WE ARE PAYING OFF ABOUT $500 EACH MONTH AND DO NOT RACK UP MORE DEBT KATANA SLICE!!!!!!!!!!
PFB: SUPER HEATED MOLTEN LAVA ALL OF YOUR CREDIT CARD DEBT IS AT 18.9% HADOOOUUUUKEN (side note: OMG hadouken is in Wikipedia?!?!?)!!!!
MLND: SEVEN HEADED HYDRA FIRE OUR INTEREST RATES ARE ALL BELOW 8% SHOURYUKEN (side note: WTF, this doesn't have a wikipedia entry?!?!?)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PFB: MOON POWER TIDAL TSUNAMI YOU SHOULD NOT GO INTO DEBT FOR A WEDDING SPINNING LARIAT!!!!!!!!!!
MLND: ULTRA TURBO EXPLOSIVE WE ARE GOING TO PAY FOR ALL OF OUR WEDDING WITH CASH GROUND EARTHQUAKE STRIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PFB: ULTIMATE 83 COMMENT THROWING STAR ENTITLEMENT KILLING ALMOST AS POWERFUL AS CHUCK NORRIS ROUNDHOUSE KICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MLND: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH YOUR FINANCIAL FIGHTING STYLE IS TOO POWERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!
If Money Were No Object - Use Imaginations People!
Posted on April 18, 2006 by Him
I loathe memes. But, since I am doing absolutely nothing on the couch while the ol' ACL heals up, I thought I'd participate in the If Money Were No Object meme started by the diva-taculous Single Ma.
Now, this means that I have unlimited money. Or better yet, a debt/credit card with no limit and never has to be paid.
I always thought that the point of these tasks were to let you imagination soar to reveal what you would really do without boundaries. That said, without further ado, here's 10 things I would do If Money Were No Object:
- Fill room with gold coins, dive in and take a swim, a la Scrooge McDuck in Ducktales
- Toilet paper? Grab a Benjamin!
- Gilded life-size statue of me and Her.
- I would never be in the same city for more than a few days, staying at pimptacular hotels, renting limos to go to McDonald's, and getting wasted everynight, then jetsetting off to whatever destination. Who needs a permanent dwelling if you're the richest transient around?
- Open a bar. If you can make me laugh, drinks are on the house. Assholes get thrown out immediately. Ladies night? How about ladies FOREVER (sorry Her, but this is fantasyland I can do whatever I want)
- Dig a huge tunnel underground that a million bats will live in. I'll install crime fighting computers and gizmos in the cave, not to mention have a kick ass bat-shaped car. I'll learn martial arts and get a cool rubber costume that may or may not have nipples. At night I will become a vigilante and beat up robbers, and penguin-resembling crime bosses with specialized equipment that I have on my belt. TOTALLY ORIGINAL.
- New clothes, everyday. The old ones can be auctioned off millions with the proceeds going to charities.
- Drink every beer ever brewed.
- Buy stock when it is HIGH and sell when it is LOW. DAREDEVIL!
- Get out of debt, give billions to charities, philanthropy, blah blah blah
Top this absurdity, bitches.
Metrosexual Expenses
Posted on March 23, 2006 by Him
I'm a little more high-maintenance than probably most male personal finance bloggers (and possibly even some females). I'm not like Jonathan over at MyMoneyBlog, who saved $250 in haircuts in the last year by having his wife cut his hair. I can't stand having my hair look bad.
I get my haircut at a salon, not a barber shop, every five weeks. The cost of the whole thing is...
Wait for it...
$35.00. And I leave a $10.00 tip.
10.4 haircuts/year X $45 = $468 on haircuts.
This actually shocks me because this is the first time I've done this calculation. I can't help it. I've had bad experiences in college letting my fraternity brothers cut my hair. I won't let Her trim it a little so it doesn't look ridiculous, even if it is about time to get my haircut and my hair is long.
But that's okay! At the same salon, I used to get my eyebrows waxed. No person should have to look at the uncontrolled hairiness of a unibrow on a man. That alone cost $12.00, plus a few bucks for the tip. I quit doing that after realizing that my eyebrows were looking a little too feminine. Now I just shave in between the brows and pluck until it looks neat. I'm SAVING money by just doing that myself right? YEAH!
I haven't jumped to nail care...yet. Although they do look like they could use some work.
I am so glad that this is an anonymous blog.
Stuff Extra Cash Under Your Mattress...or Your Missle Silo?
Posted on March 07, 2006 by Him
Russian Thieves Break Into Soviet-Era Missile Silo to Find it Filled With Money Bills
The incident would have remained secret, had the wind not blown hundreds of banknotes all over the countryside.
So this is where Russia keeps its emergency fund. Haven't they heard of HSBC/ING Direct/Emmigrant Bank/[Insert High-Yield Savings Account]?
(via Digg)
Warning: Excessive Use Can Lead To Bankruptcy
Posted on March 01, 2006 by Him
In a recent comment, Emily pointed to her post on Creditbloggers that Australian credit card statements may come with warnings to emphasize the potential financial ruin that they can cause.
There's running a contest to see if you can come up with the funniest warning that you can think of. Leave a comment on their site to enter.
I think that this is a great idea, but I believe it should extend to high-priced luxury goods. Here are some examples:
HDTV
Warning: The correct cables to get the full experience will also set you back $500. And let's face it, you'll probably screw that up anyway.
Ford Mustang
Warning: Driving this car will not make up for your small penis.
Handbags
Warning: Your lipstick does not care how expensive the bag is that you put it in.
Shoes
Warning: The amount of pain your feet will feel wearing these is directly proportional to the price of each shoe.
Starbucks
Warning: This coffee tastes exactly like Dunkin Donuts. Sucker.
Care to add any others?
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