Sizing Up Engagement Rings
Posted on July 10, 2009 by Her and tagged wedding
I heard an interesting discussion the other day. A couple is planning to get engaged, and they have agreed to choose the engagement ring together. They both have lucrative careers ahead of them, but are currently in school. The school tuition is being financed by their parents. They set a budget for the ring, and found two options that fall within that budget. One ring is smaller and better quality, and the other is larger and poorer in quality (although not noticeably so). The woman wants the larger, flashier ring. The man is worried that the larger ring may appear to be too flashy and expensive in the eyes of his parents (who are, again, paying for his tuition) and therefore he is uncomfortable with that ring. He would prefer to select the smaller ring to avoid upsetting his parents.
Who do you think should have precedence in choosing the size of an engagement ring? The woman, who will wear it (hopefully) forever? Or the man, who will (in this scenario, anyway) pay for it?
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Katie | Jul 10, 2009
My initial reaction is that if it really came down to it, since he's paying he should get to choose. But his reason is what made me reconsider. I can kind of understand him being concerned about his parents' reaction, but wouldn't a quick "it was in our budget and cost the same as a much smaller ring that we were considering" suffice to answer any raised eyebrows?
There are probably going to be many points in the future where he and his (at that point) wife make decisions that his parents might not have made. That doesn't mean that they should live in regret or that all their future decisions should be ones that their parents made.
Whew! That was long. Sorry, I'm getting married in the fall, and we've had discussions about becoming our own family, etc. hence the longwindedness and overanalysis!
Since they are buying the ring together (it's not like he's picking it out all by himself) and it's within their budget, I think the wife-to-be should get the final say here. After all, she's the one wearing it (hopefully) forever, not him, and certainly not his parents.
I agree with Katie - all they need to do is mention it was about the same price as a smaller ring and was within their budget.
If his parents are still upset, despite the ring being within the agreed-upon budget, that's their problem, not the couple's problem.
I would go for the smaller, higher quality ring in a heartbeat... but that's just me. Reason being I think less flashy is better and more elegant when it comes to jewelry, especially during the current economic climate. PLus, even though they are paying for this with "their" money, they do need to take their parents thoughts into consideration because they would have "their" money if they weren't having their educations paid for.
bunny | Jul 10, 2009
If they are making the decision together and it's a toss up between two rings, then the person wearing it should be the tie-breaker. If his concern over his parents' reactions is that great, he should talk to them before they even see it.
Gifts should not come with strings attached. If his parents are going to be that touchy about him buying something that he can afford, then they should have stipulated that before offering to pay his tuition.
The woman. "Flashy"/"less flashy" is a red herring. Anyway whether it's his money right now or not, it's theirs in the medium term.
Kai | Jul 11, 2009
This is what a couple shouldn't go shopping together for something that one of them will buy. Either a man buys the bribe-ring on his own, and the woman enjoys it as it is, or they should go shopping together and pay for it together. Or better yet, eliminate it entirely, or exchange rings. Something that used to be a gift is now an expectation of show. I agree with Avila - they're still in school, and their parents are paying for it. They're not ready to get married. And poor guy - I suspect the woman who wants a flashy ring at the expense of quality never will be an adult.
If both rings fall within their budget, the wearer should decide. And really the man will not end up paying for it. They both will. They're tying their finances together at this point, I would hope! And since neither of them has a career yet, it sounds like "they" saved the money. So why shouldn't she get the ring she prefers?
I like the suggestion that the guy talk to his parents ahead of time and let them know it was in the budget and he wants them to know they spent carefully.
That said, a better quality seems to me like a better investment. But if the woman wants flashier, the woman should get flashier. So long as it's at or under the agreed-upon price.
Kate | Jul 12, 2009
Quality is irrelevant because engagement rings are never an investment anyway. You can never sell them for anywhere near what you pay for them. Besides, they would only sell it if they get divorced, and if they plan to divorce they don't need a ring to symbolize commitment.
Jennifer | Jul 12, 2009
I think it is unfair to use one single fact (that these two people are still in school with tuition being paid by parents) to judge whether or not the couple is ready to be engaged. The post says nothing about them spending their money unwisely, and the fact that they set a budget for the ring together suggests that they are already communicating openly about finances which is an important quality in a committed relationship. They may be planning a long engagement, they may be graduating in 3 months, those same tuition-paying parents may support their decision to commit to marriage, who knows?
In any case, I think if they are deciding together and both are within the reasonable budget the wearer should have the final say. Also, at some point he'll have to get over making decisions based solely upon what may or may not disappoint his parents if he's going to be a good partner to his wife.
Mallory | Jul 13, 2009
The woman may not want the ring because it is 'flashier', and it's rude of anyone to comment on her level of maturity based on a single term used to describe a ring. She may prefer the ring for a number of reasons, which we are not privy to.
The man may see it as flashier and feel it will raise eyebrows. All he needs to do is have a discussion with his folks about how they set a budget for their engagement ring and were lucky enough to find this beautiful ring which his fiance absolutely loves. Problem solved.
In the long run the wearer should get final say (all other things being equal).
John | Jul 15, 2009
I'll agree with the above, that they probably are not ready to get married... If he's still worried what mommy and daddy think, and looking to not displease them over not displeasing his wife-to-be, he doesn't get the whole marriage concept. Second, if he doesn't get that he should be doing all he can to please his wife on such a simple thing, they'll never make it anyway. Easy points to be scored here! Why would you ever want to give your wife-to-be something that will always be tainted as 2nd best in her eyes!
Every relationship is different, but there is nothing like a small ring for proving that it's love, and not the fringe benefits, on which a marriage is based.
i think the woman should have her way coz she will be wearing it anyways. the parents will just have to understand. but if it were up to me they would not get married before they had the jobs because they are banking a lot on just the hope of a lucrative dream. dreams have a way of messing up plans....
http://kenyantykoon.wordpress.com/
kasey at thriftylittleblog | Jul 17, 2009
This seems like a pretty easy solution, the guy can tell the parents how much it costs. If they would also have an issue with that figure, then it's probably not time for the couple to get married.
Honestly, I think that the engagement ring is a gift from the man to the woman and I wouldn't want to be involved in picking it out in the first place.
Free Credit Report | Jul 20, 2009
From a mans perspective...
I'd go with the big one.
I can't lie, I'm a little flashy myself. I want my wife to have the biggest rock I can afford. So not only she can show off to her girlfriends but show me off as well. The bigger the rock she gets the better I look, lol.
On a serious note. Get what they can afford and upgrade later down the road. That's what me and my wife did. I remember her first ring was about $500. Here we are 13 years later and she is wearing something in the neighborhood of $8,000.
gina | Jul 31, 2009
There's nothing wrong with her wanting the larger ring. She has to wear it, it's in the budget, why not give her what she wants? Maturity has nothing to do with it; she simply has a preference for the larger carat stone.
Jennifer | Aug 3, 2009
I myself would choose the smaller engagement ring and then up grade later on down the road for like a special anniversary. However, I think they might need to shop around a little longer to find the perfect engagement ring that they both can be happy with since they choose to pick it out together. If he is really worried about what his parents would think maybe he should ask them how they would feel if he is that concerned.
Since both rings fall within the acceptable budget, I will assume there isn't much of a price difference. Therefore...get the bigger rock because she wants it and she has to wear it. Then simply mention to the parents that the diamond isn't as high a quality as some others, but it was the one she liked the best. Problem solved.
brideonashoestring | Aug 5, 2009
Why are the parents factoring into it at all? Is he paying for the ring? If so then, the parent's option although not irrelevant should not be the tie breaker. According to my Boy he wants me to have the bigger flashier ring too. I honestly, say if the wear cares that deeply, then she should have the ring she wants. For some women, a ring is just a ring (if you meet any, let me know. But I know they are out there) but some feel the need to keep up with the Jones (nothing wrong with that in itself) so go with whatever feels most comfortable.
I definitely side with the woman mainly because she is going to wear it for the rest of her life. He's not living with his parents, but with his soon-to-wife, so if he wants a peaceful home without constant gripes, he should invest in the ring he wants.
I think the girl should be choosing the engagement ring. After all it is for her, and if he is not thinking of what she wants then he is buying it just to buy it... and doesn't that defeat the whole purpose? But for their specific situation ... sounds like they are two young and it is way to early for them to get married.
Janie Out of Debt | Aug 13, 2009
It should be about the marriage not the ring. The marriage is what matters. The ring can always be upgraded in future years when they both have more money.
Mary | Aug 14, 2009
No one has addressed the question of why she prefers the larger, "flashier", stone. Is that more in line with the style of jewelry she usually wears? Get the larger stone that fits their agreed upon budget. If she doesn't (as I didn't) usually wear rings, she may be happier with a smaller, finer stone for an "everyday" ring in the long run. Her desire for the larger stone may be just as much shaped by "what will other people think?" as his preference for the smaller stone is.
Debashree | Sep 7, 2009
At present the boy can purchase the ring that fits his budget and which'll not put him into trouble particularly with regard to his parents.He can definitely go in for the smaller ring and can upgrade it anytime in the later years when he can suppport the lavishness of the bigger and flashy ring.
Jenna | Sep 14, 2009
I am old fashioned. I believe if a man cannot afford a wife he does not ask her to marry him.
The song goes Daisy, Daisy
... Michael, Michael here is my answer true your half crazy if you think that will do if you can't afford a carriage there won't be any marriage...
If you can't afford to get married you wait until you can.
If both rings are within budget, then the person wearing the ring gets to decide which is purchased.
My husband showed me several rings that were within his budget and I got to choose. Oh, and I went for the biggest diamond.
Rae | Sep 21, 2009
I'm in the "let the wearer choose if both rings are within the budget" party.
I'm not a fan of flashy jewelry, but am a fan of quality, so I'd likely go for the smaller one, but if the larger is more in line with her tastes, then go for it in this situation. It sounds like they did the responsible thing of saving, budgeting, and researching what they could afford. If both rings are indeed within the budget they set, it should be a non-issue. And as a few other commentors said, a simple "we made a reasonable budget and this ring was in line with that" should be all they need to say to the parents.
Financial Samurai | Sep 30, 2009
Ahhh, I love this topic! I wrote an article that every man and woman must read entitled "Diamond Engagement Rings: Bling Bling!"
I really think you guys will enjoy it!
Best,
Financial Samurai
I hope the long delay in posting is just from wedding planning or something of the sort. It'd be sad to see this great blog disappear!
As others have already said, I would have sided with the man... If he had better reasoning. It would be one thing if the woman was expecting him to spend over their budget for a flashy ring. And, even though his parents are paying his tuition, he's a grown man. If he's that uncomfortable about the flashy ring, he needs to sit down with his parents and talk to them about what a great deal he was about to snag for the ring of his fiance's dreams.
Sim | Jul 10, 2009
Personally I'd probably go for sometihng less flashy myself. However, in this case, I'm more liable to side with the woman because a) she will have to wear it all the time, and she should wear something that she's comfortable with, and b) because the guy's reason for wanting the smaller ring is to avoid the judgment from his parents.Yet, both the rings are within budget, anyway. So it's not as though she wants him to spend wayy more than what he's willing to pay.
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