I Don't Feel Like an Equal Anymore
Posted on March 11, 2009 by Her and tagged income
When Him and I started our careers, we earned equal salaries ($40,000 each). It felt great! We were working our way up our respective ladders together as equals. I had read about marriages where one partner earns far more than the other, and honestly I was glad that we would never be like that. Or so I thought.
Over the years, we both got annual raises. Except that Him's annual raise was always higher than mine. And then this year, my employer froze salaries and I didn't get a raise at all. So now my salary is $54,000 and Him's is $69,000. He's outpaced me by $15,000 in just four years! We're financially stable so we weren't depending on our incomes to rise, and financially we're fine. But emotionally I'm not OK. I feel like I'm no longer pulling my weight and contributing equally to our finances. Given that all our debt is my student loan debt, I feel like I should be pulling harder to get that debt paid off and not burden Him with it. Him doesn't feel like I'm burdening us, and I'm glad. But I don't know how to stop feeling this way inside.
Any suggestions?
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Him | Mar 11, 2009 | Reply to Rachel
Yes, Her does clean the toilets most (all?) of the time, but we are pretty equal when it comes to cooking.
Does this mean that Her owes me more?
SP | Mar 11, 2009
I don't like the comment above, implying whoever earns less should do more chores (assuming you are working same hours/stress). I don't know what to suggest though. You are a team, and it is very common for one partner to make more. "Deal with it" seems like a horrible suggestion, but it is all I can come up with. Let us know how you handle this feeling!
Trevor @ Financial Nut | Mar 18, 2009 | Reply to SP
I agree with that. The one that makes least doesn't need to make it up like that.
Lyn Thorne-Alder | Apr 16, 2009 | Reply to Trevor @ Financial Nut
What if one partner isn't working at all/isn't bringing in any income?
I always want to feel like I'm pulling my own weight too. For myself, we split everything 50/50 so I KNOW I'm pulling my own weight. My student loans are also my own problem as his CC is his. While many people would hate this way of doing things, we both really like it.
In your situation, there's a couple ways you could even things out more. You could spend less than you normally would, so that you're saving/repaying more debt. That's just a different way of contributing to your financial position. An alternative is to 'make it up to him' like Rachel suggested. When I made a lot less than my guy and really wasn't pulling my own weight, I'd try to do things that made our life easier. Since I was in school at the time, I was often home during the day, so I'd do laundry while no one else was using the apartment building's washer/dryer. I'm sure there's something nice that you could do for him that would conversely make you feel better about things.
tina | Mar 11, 2009
My income is higher than my husbands, not by much really but it is more. I never give it any thought, i honestly look at our incomes together, as a team, this is what we make. At anytime, I could be earning less.
What you earn for your job does not represent who you are. There may come a time where you earn even less, you can't base your self worth on your income.
I am sure that your husband would agree,that what you offer to your relationship actually has very little to do with what you earn. He loves you, you are a team. the two of you against the world, together weathering any problems together!!
tina
Catherine | Mar 11, 2009
I think you should look at it as a joint salary - together you went from making 80k to 123k! Awesome! You are a team, not competitors.
Xenko | Mar 12, 2009 | Reply to MrDomestic
My wife earns a heck of a lot more than me. I don't care, and neither does she. We both work hard and our salaries are what they are.
Marriage isn't about money, it's about each other. That is worth more than any amount of money.
Think about it from the other side... if you were making more, but he was working hard at his job would you feel resentful or like he wasn't pulling his weight? If not, then why do you feel like that from your side of the fence.
Besides, it is true in 99% of cases that most women do more around the home, so you are probably contributing to your family in a lot of other ways. Part of why women make less in society, I think, is because employers (even on a subconscious level) assume that more of the responsibility for home/ kids will fall on them (think about it, if a child gets sick, who takes a sick day). It might not be fair or right, but its the way it is.
Jazmin | Mar 11, 2009
I also tend to think of it as a joint venture. We make X amount per year together, and I don't fuss too much about which one of us makes which bit of it. At various times in both of our careers it's been my husband making all of it, or me making all of it, and now it's one of us making most of it. Our bills get paid together, our salaries get paid together. While I don't think that the lower paid spouse /needs/ to provide more of the intangibles, if they feel guilty, perhaps it's one way of assuaging that feeling.
HS @ Our Debt Blog | Mar 11, 2009
Does it really matter? the money belongs to both of you, it shouldn't be his/hers money, you are married.
HS
Interesting post. I totally understand though. I quit my job to stay at home with our kids over 3 years ago and have since then struggled with the fact that I no longer contribute money-wise. My husband does not care in the least and loves that I stay home so that he can know, via proxy, what they are doing all day long. I also do most everything else in terms of the bills/financial planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning (well, I attempt cleaning anyway) etc, so I know I contribute. But still...the money thing gets to me sometimes. Sorry, I don't have much in the way of advice on how not to feel this way, but just wanted to say that I get it.
I agree with the comment above - you are a team. We try to look at our income as just that - both of ours. Sure, we know who makes more. But, in the large scheme of things, we are just thrilled that we are making what we are, together.
Lauren | Mar 11, 2009
I would be less concerned about the relationship dynamic and more with my professional relationship. Why are his raises bigger?? Women are notoriously poor negotiators which is one reason we get paid less than men. Don't be another Ledbetter. Next time you're up for review, make sure you're getting paid what you're worth!
Her | Mar 11, 2009 | Reply to Lauren
My salary is actually on the high end of the spectrum for my field, and I negotiated like crazy for it! Him earns more because he works in a field that is flush with money, while my field is traditionally lower-paying.
The gap is really not that big. It's not like one of you earns 2-3 times or more than the other. Even then it wouldn't bother me. I earn much less than my wife.
Amy | Mar 11, 2009
I make about $18K more than my husband; when we married, he had child support for 3 more years and I had a paid off condo. I thought "in for a penny, in for a pound" and we have all of our money together. He chose years ago to focus on his three daughters and not pursue a higher paying career - that's fine with me, I've always lived below my means so it doesn't matter. Of course, I am REALLY looking forward to the end of child support and to have more of his salary available for joint goals.
Ariella | Mar 11, 2009
When I first got married, my husband made around $20k more than I. Now we earn about equal amounts; perhaps I make a little bit more.
But I was also unemployed for almost 10 months and had about $50k in student loan debt at that time.
Everyone has situations like this; no one is ever going to be 100% equal. But the thing about a marriage is that it's a partnership: he married you knowing that you make less than him, and knowing that you've got student loan debt. You are more than the sum of your salary and debt payments. You still pull your "weight": you're there for him, emotionally and physically; you support him; he relies on you; and all the rest of the stuff that make marriage worthwhile.
You want to "pull your weight" more? Find a part-time job. But I'll tell you what: If you do that, I'll bet you find that the extra money you bring in is not worth the "together time" you miss out on.
Him | Mar 11, 2009 | Reply to Ariella
You want to "pull your weight" more? Find a part-time job. But I'll tell you what: If you do that, I'll bet you find that the extra money you bring in is not worth the "together time" you miss out on.
Amen to that!
Gigi | Mar 11, 2009
Are you in the same profession? If not, you can't compare. If you are, then you should use the knowledge of his wages to slingshot yourself during negotiations (when business gets better).
My husband and I work for competitors. I got a mid year raise for a certification and another 4.29% last month. He passed the same exam, and has more responsibility and didn't get anything. He used that as an arguing point with his boss. Hopefully something will come of it.
Dani B | Mar 11, 2009
First time I've felt compelled to comment, but this really hit home with me. I moved countries to be with my other half, and in leaving Canada gave up all interest and debt forgiveness on my (considerable) student loans. He knew that from the start, but as the exchange rate from GBP to CAD has tanked, it's put more and more strain on our finances. We earn roughly the same salaries in different industries, but because student loan repayment in the UK is income-based, his monthly loan repayment is now only 5% of mine! After much talking and many tears, we still pool our finances and pay everything together. Why? Because if the situation were reversed, I'd do the same for him, and he would want me to. We both made some very, very bad money decisions during and around our educations, and only by the grace of the UK's educational system does he get to pay his off very slowly. He also recognizes that because of the debt forgiveness I would've qualified for back home, I'd be able to support myself there- but here, with exchange rates where they are, I'd struggle to pay for 'my half' of our monthly expenses, so our style of living would definitely be compromised (back to starving student level!). Yes, I feel shitty and guilty about it a lot. Yes, it still causes conflict sometimes, when something doesn't fit in the budget because we're paying as much for my student loan as for housing. We both knew what I was giving up when I moved here, but also what we would both gain, and so far the trade-off has been worth every penny. Keeping that in mind helps keep it in perspective :)
dogatemyfinances | Mar 11, 2009
This is such a small difference (20%?) that this can't be about money.
You can never be exactly "equal" to your partner in all ways, and why would you even want to? Methinks this is about control.
Her | Mar 11, 2009 | Reply to dogatemyfinances
HOnestly, it's less about the aggregate difference than the fact that this is the first year where I got no raise and Him got a big raise. I feel like my work is not being noticed, even though I'm one of the "movers and shakers" at my company.
Wojciech Kulicki | Mar 11, 2009
I would agree that marriage is about sharing, compromise, teamwork, and forgetting about who is pulling in what. At one point in my life, I made considerably more than my wife, and I never asked her to go in 50/50. For a while, she made more than me, and never did so either. In the end, does it really matter? We have common goals and dreams, and regardless of what each is making, we know we are pursuing the careers we love with our full efforts. If that's the case, then neither one of us can really do any more than what we already are, without sacrificing other things, like time at home with your spouse. My advice would be to accept it as a fact of life, and celebrate each other's successes.
We are in the position where Her makes a lot more than Him. Sometimes I know that He resents it a bit but for the most part it really doesn't make a difference. When we put money in our savings every month it's our and once it's in the account you can't tell a difference on what paycheck it came from.
The one thing She has for the extra money She makes is a nice car. The one She wanted with the huge price tag and all.
I think Her should remember that, on average, women get paid around 80 cents on the dollar earned by men, as I recall. So that about explains the disparity between salaries.
Also, I think you need to remember that it's not "His" money and "Her" money. It's YOUR money. If Him was unemployed tomorrow, would you begrudge Him some of your salary? No, because you're a team.
If it really bothers you that much, use more of Her's money to pay down debt. But in the end, the money all goes toward the same goals.
MVP | Mar 11, 2009
Only thing I can say to this is when you were married, you "became one". Together, you make $x. That's what's important, not who makes how much.
Besides, some fields just pay more than others. Doesn't necessarily mean the one who earns more works harder.
Avila | Mar 12, 2009
Suze Orman says that it's perfectly fair for couples to put the same percentage of income towards expenses rather than the same amount. Considering that you are both very committed to sticking to a budget instead of abusing your rights to each other's income, this seems like a good plan. In terms of your emotional state, you need to accept that you chose a field that doesn't offer as much compensation as your husband's and is more affected by the state of the economy. If you want a higher income, stop wallowing in your misery and go get whatever certification you need or switch to a different field.
I would have the same kind of reaction that Her is having, or if the shoe was on the other foot, that Him is having. I think you have to learn to deal with it, and not think of more money as being more successful.
TB | Mar 12, 2009
Remember, you are married now -- not roommates. As long as you both are contributing something and not being reckless with the money you BOTH bring in, you're on equal ground. If things get tight and you feel like you should (and could) do more, find a better job -- or a second one.
I wouldn't feel bad about yourself if I were you... I'd feel bad about your employer! Of course since you two don't work at the same company (and I don't know if you work in the same industry) it might not mean anything, but it's certainly typical for women to earn less than men--to get lower salaries to start and smaller raises over time. I think this is one of the reasons why more women become homemakers eventually... there is less reward relative to men for working hard outside of the home. :(
Diana | Mar 12, 2009
I have a difficult and different situation. My Him earns 10K more than I do, but he has credit card debt, auto loan, student loan and a child support. Even though I make less, I believe I save more. I am not sure what to think when it comes to money? On one hand I don't want to pay for his debt, on the other hand, do I have a choice if we are getting married in less than a year?
SP | Mar 13, 2009
If your company is doing across the board salary freezes, that does not mean your work is not noticed or even greatly appreciated. You have two choices--find a company that can pay you more (if possible) or wait until things improve and let them know that you expect more.
I'm glad to hear the problem is more dissatisfaction with being appreciated at work than an actual problem in your relationship. It is hard not to want a raise too when you see your loved one getting on, and you deserve it just as much. But at least you BOTH didn't get your salary frozen!
bobbi | Mar 13, 2009
I'm all about the "teamwork" approach - you should feel great about your combined income growth over the years! My husband's a doctor, I'm a non-profit worker -- an astronomical salary difference. I'll never earn what he does. We view the money as "ours" and also the bills as ours - as in, his massive student loan payments are our responsibility together. And when he was going through medical school and we were broke, my whole salary was ours too.
RP | Mar 13, 2009
Sometimes I've made more than my husband, and sometimes he made more than me. Currently, he's making a lot more than me, but I'm guessing the gap will shrink this year (due to smaller profit-sharing on his side, rather than a raise on mine, alas). I have to say I liked it more when I was bringing in more money, but I try to focus on how we're doing as a team.
And my husband always told folks who were shocked that I made more than he did, "So we should have less money coming in? How would that help?"
ML | Mar 13, 2009
My hubs brings in almost twice my salary... I feel it acutely when we're working to buy a big ticket item (hello house!). When you love someone, you want to be their equal and not put any strain on them. I don't think I'd feel the situation as much if the gap wasn't as large. As with most "girly feelings", I'm sure that you're feeling a cocktail of emotions... probably ranging from the desire to be equal, and a twinge of competition. My two cents!
I wouldn't worry about making less. Him married you and married your debt with it. He knew what he was getting into and seems pretty ok with that.
As far as your salary goes, this is just one very bad year. You guys are still very young and I think that with time, there may be an unfortunate happening where Him might make less than you. It happens to a lot of people, so don't worry about an income disparity unless you guys are doing the same kind of work. Women making 80% of what men make is only a valid argument if you guys are doing the same work, which I gather from your blog that you aren't.
Relationship equality is not about income. I think Ariella is right. If you really need to have income equality, you can have it, but you won't necessarily find it worth it.
Hey, you could always fall back on his being Asian and it's his job to pick up the tab all the time!! (j/k One of my male cousins told me this when I dated his best friend. B/c I made so much less, he told me that I should always let his friend pay for me. It's advice I don't actually follow, but it makes me laugh a lot.)
Miriam | Mar 13, 2009
Also remember that women typically make 69 cents to the $1.00 a man makes. This coupled with different industries and a tradionally "lower" paying field should help a little with the emotions run amok. I agree with the other posts which stress that you are a team. And if you love the work you do, then be grateful that your employer just froze salaries and didn't have to cut a position or two!
Great post and comments. I currently make more than him, and his student loan debts are way higher than mine. Sometimes it's daunting to think about the amount of loan debt he has, but it usually doesn't get to me. And when we're feeling down about it, we joke that if he hadn't gone to college and incurred the debt, we wouldn't have met (we're college sweethearts). Corny, I know. I also try to think as a team, as others have said. And I feel like in a few years, his income will skyrocket. He's in a lucrative field in which you have to put in a few tough years working at the bottom, but then your earnings really go up when you get the experience. My field? It's more of a gradual increase. I try not to dwell on how our income breaks down too much.
AJ | Mar 15, 2009
I currently make $20K more than my Him. I will have to ask him how he feels about it, I had not thought anything of it until I read this post.
Kathryn | Mar 17, 2009
This is a really tough situation and I think one that most couples end up having to deal with at one point or another. I think it's even tougher emotionally when the man is the one earning less because society still has men's egos very tied up in their ability to provide financially for their families. For either gender, though, it's definitely tough.
I think the key is learning to value what you do for a living without placing an emphasis on the money of it. Do you like your work? Is it contributing in any way to the world around you? Because if you feel good about what you do - and the two of you are doing fine financially - then that's what really matters. It allows you to be a happy person which means that you're a happy partner in the marriage and that goes a much further way towards a great relationship than the specifics of who earns what.
I can almost guarantee that your husband doesn't care in the least. In a marriage, it's what "we" make and what "we" have that matters. Nothing else. There have been times in my marriage when I have made more, and times when she has made more. Now she's in school full time and I'm making all the moolah. And quite frankly, I love it. She can concentrate more on her schoolwork.
Individual salaries don't matter to him - so don't let them matter to you.
Kai | Mar 21, 2009
For all the people blaming it on poor oppressed women making insufficient money - do some reading. The studies that come up with 70cents to the dollar or so are the ones that average all 27-year old men and women (or similar). A large part of the reason that women as a whole make less than men as a whole is that they tend to gravitate towards professions that pay less - consider the domination of male engineers. Second, on the whole, women more often seek perks such as vacation, flex time, and benefits than pure monetary raises. When you look at individuals with the actual same backgroud (age, education, years in field, time off, etc.) men and women are very very close in most fields.
Kai | Mar 21, 2009
Her has said that she is already near the top of wages for her field, which tends to pay less than His. It seems likely in the situation that were their careers reversed, Her would be making the higher salary - not due to sex, but due to choices.
Good for you both for getting raises of that amount in a few years, and good luck weathering the next bit.
kim-information exchange | Mar 23, 2009
I agree that marriage is not about money, its about a lasting relationship. And money, should never be an issue.
Money should never be a yardstick in a relationship. There are certain things that only the husband can do and certain things that only the wife can do and certain things that both can do.
We cannot always want to compare and want to be able to do all things.
I always tell myself that it's OK if one of us makes more than the other right now. You never know when the situation might be reversed. Him could lose his job tomorrow and then Her would be the bread winner. So rather than fret about your loss of financial equality, know that you are both equal in your relationship and that you'll both take care of each other when you can.
And come back! We miss you guys.
sam | Mar 31, 2009
I think at some point there is going to be a difference in earnings, my partner earns more than me but I do all the housework and cleaning and he will pay for certain things as treats. It works for us and I don't have issues with him making money more than me - I have taken on side projects to help with my shortfall and it is working out really well.
Kristy | Mar 31, 2009
I have to agree with all of the others who have said not to worry about it. In my case, I make twice what DH makes. He has told me that it does occasionally bother him that his salary is so small compared to mine, but he loves his job. It has more to do with the cultural expectation that the man should be "bringing home the bacon."
He works hard, I work hard, we both like our jobs. Everybody is happy :)
lawgirl | Mar 31, 2009
Hmmm.... this has never really been a friction in my husband and my marriage. He works incredibly hard, but because he is a teacher and I am a lawyer, I earn five times what he does, or $125,000 more a year. However, we both love what we do, and we both work equally hard. Why should he feel like he contributes less because society has structured our salaries differently? Our money is joint -- and we use it to pay my (our) student loans and joint bills as a team.
Seth | Apr 21, 2009
I agree with lawgirl. Society has a payscale that assesses your worth based on job title and even gender, but ultimately, it's irrelevant to you and your spouse, because each of your efforts should have equal merit, regardless of salary numbers.
Right now, my wife is making more than me, and I'm very thankful. Eventually my salary will be higher, but we both feel like we're doing our part and contributing to the family equally.
Thanks for the great blog!
Chris @ BuildMyBudget | May 20, 2009
Perhaps you will have children one day...and then I expect he might feel the same--that you are doing all the work. =) It all evens out in the end, and you should celebrate each others individual contributions.
HighTrll | Jun 12, 2009
Is he smarter OR more attractive than you?
That may help you understand why.
Planet | Nov 15, 2009
Your blog is just too sad. All human beings are equal. Do you really value yourself (and possibly other people) according to a pay check. What if your husband lost his job would he be less in your eyes. Your marriage is an emotional partnership, not a business deal. Just be happy that you are married and that you both have jobs, and get over yourself.
Rachel | Mar 11, 2009
Who cooks dinner every night and who cleans the toilets? If you do both of these, it certainly makes up the $15,000 difference!
Rachel
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