Our First Married Fight Was About...Money
Posted on October 08, 2008 by Her and tagged insurance
On Sunday we had our first married fight :(
It was over money, the very thing we are supposed to be working so hard to be a team about. It made me sad.
Here's the background: when we first started our jobs four years ago, we were going through a rough patch. So when filling out the beneficiaries on his work insurance forms, Him put me as a 50% beneficiary and his parents as 50% beneficiaries on his life insurance. Should the worst have happened, this would have helped me stay in our apartment for a brief time while I made other living arrangements. He apparently discussed this with me, but I don't remember. At that time, I made Him the only beneficiary on my policy, which would have given Him great flexibility should the worst have occurred. Over time, our differences healed and we got engaged. Our insurance policies lay dormant and forgotten.
Flash forward to this weekend, when Him mentioned to me, "Oh, now that we're married I have to change you to be the beneficiary on my life insurance policy at work." I said, "I'm NOT the beneficiary already?" and he said, "No, you're 50% and my parents are 50%."
This means that for the past three years that we have been engaged, Him had left me unprotected in case the worst had happened. I had so much student loan debt that I would never have been able to stay in our current (very cheap) apartment. I would have been evicted within months, as my paycheck covers my student loan payments and not much else. At the same time, Him had arranged to give his parents a big chunk of money when they absolutely do not need a dime. I was really hurt.
I felt that the arrangement was appropriate at the time the policies were created, but by getting engaged I thought Him would have made arrangements to protect me. Him felt that the policy was always appropriate.
So, we argued and said stupid things. And that made me sad too because we have always worked so hard on our finances and on being a good team. Fortunately we quickly came to our senses. I realized that we probably should evaluate our insurance policies more often, and that we need to communicate clearly. Him realized that part of his role as a husband includes protecting our family from financial disaster. In the end we agreed to evaluate our insurance policies and we kissed and made up.
What was your first married argument about? Did it involve money?
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Kenny | Oct 8, 2008
In my not so humble opinion, I don't think you should have been on his policy at ALL until you were married.
As for me, I don't remember our first fight, but we've definitely fought about money.
He was engaged to you, not married. Therefore I do not see where he did anything wrong.
I don't argue. I talk about what plans I want us to do, LOL
Personal Finance Geek | Oct 8, 2008
Chill out. I am in agreement with the above posts. I would not put anyone on my insurance policy until we were married.
marketingdoc | Oct 8, 2008
I agree with the above posts. Even though you are married (congratulations on working on your finances together!) he is under no obligation to put you as a full beneficiary of his life insurance. I can understand how you could be disappointed that you were not the full beneficiary, but angry at him? ... At the end of the day, it is his money.
My parents will be beneficiaries of my life insurance as long as they live. They put so much love, effort, time and $ into me, they deserve something back (however small) if I should die.
I can understand why you'd be hurt, but I have to say I'm in agreement with the others--I wouldn't put my man on my policy until we're married. Then again, my insurance policies are generally small (the free ones that I get from my job) and wouldn't cover much more than the cost of a funeral, so since my parents would pay for that if I'm not married, they'd be the beneficiaries.
That is an interesting first fight. I was told that it didn't matter, because your spouse is automatically your primary beneficiary, even if it doesn't say so on the policy. In fact you have to get your spouses signature saying the beneficiary can be someone else.
Our first fight was on a kayak!
Ariella | Oct 8, 2008 | Reply to crossn81
crossn81 -- it may be true that your SPOUSE is your primary beneficiary, but an engagement is not a marriage. So if He died while they were still engaged, then the life insurance proceeds would have been divided as he stipulated on his insurance form.
For what it's worth, I wouldn't put anyone on my life insurance until we were married (and, indeed, didn't even though my fiancee and I lived together for several years before getting married). Too many things can go wrong -- as you acknowledged by noting that you were going through a rough patch -- so why bother? Life insurance is a nice thing to have, but you're not entitled to it.
SP | Oct 8, 2008
How is that 50% for his parents was "a big chunk of money" but your 50% is too little to help you for even a few months?
Regardless, the real issue is that your expectation was off from reality. That always causes the most trouble for me.
Anyway, it seems like he didn't die (whew!) and you are now going to be protected (as it should be!) and it doesn't even seem like this was something he had thought about until now. I'm glad you worked it out.
amm | Oct 8, 2008
Actually, our first argument was about FOOD. My husband's family is from Europe (he was born here) while I eat like an American. Processed food (hamburger helper etc). When I went to make chili one night, using canned tomato sauce and packaged seasonings, he said something like "you are NOT bringing that into MY kitchen" Hilarious. It's a story I plan to tell my kids.
Oh, if you make a commitment to someone, even an engagement, I totally agree with the author's post. Yeah, your parents deserve love and respect but you don't live in their house any more. You are living with someone else and making a new home. It is that new household (engaged or otherwise) that should have priority over the parents financially. If you make sure that household is covered and there's money left for family, great. Otherwise, don't make a commitment you won't follow through on. That's why it's called a COMMITMENT.
Grace | Oct 8, 2008
Okay, I'm glad I'm not the first one to say this, I think the focus here should be that nothing happened to Him and you two were able to get married and will live happily ever after.
Him had no obligation to put you as 50% beneficiary, that was nice of Him to do so. I know I didn't/wouldn't do that when the husband and I were dating/engaged.
Our first married fight was over something stupid, but it was probably the only real fight we've had to date after almost 3 1/2 years of marriage.
I think it's great you two were open with your financial standings with one another. Not many people are able to do that and unfortunately, I hear many married friends fight over money.
Jess | Oct 8, 2008
Actually, in most states legal marriage = OUR money, not his and hers. You can keep separate accounts but when it comes down to it without a prenup all assets are shared.
Also, you generally have to have your spouse's express written agreement to alter the benificiary for retirement funds, insurance policies, etc once you're legally married, because if something happened to one party in the marriage the estate (including ALL funds) automatically goes to the surviving spouse.
Dana | Oct 8, 2008
I could understand you being upset if you had children to take care of if, God forbid, he passed away. But I agree with some others, until you are actually married, you really aren't entitled to his life insurance. I'm not 100% sure, but if he died and he had bills to be paid, wouldn't they look to his next of kin (his parents) for that money?
My husband and I didn't put each other as beneficiaries until we were married and it was never a big deal.
Caryn | Oct 8, 2008
i agree with most of the commentary here that IMO you shouldn't have expected to be on his policy at all, let alone angry that you weren't the SOLE beneficiary. and the fact that his parents might not "need" the money has nothing to do with whether or not he "should" leave the money to him.
Hi I don't have any personal experience with married fights - not married yet and frankly a little scared to start sharing finances with another person because of my own astronomical student loan debts but I think what's done is done and now you are the beneficiary and hopefully you'll never see that money!
A Man | Oct 9, 2008
Ww, hw ptty. Yr frst fght ws vr smthng tht () cld hv bt ddn't hppn nd (b) wll nw chng s tht n th ftr thngs wll b th wy yu wnt?
thnk thr's syng bt trs nd splt mlk, r smthng lk tht.
Y wrn't mrrd. Yu wrn't nttld. Nthng hppnd. Gt vr t.
Well, I can see both sides. However a couple things to consider. Has something happened prior to your marriage, his parents could have contested anything he may have left you. In addition unless you get married, or have children changin beneficiareies can be difficult. I am sure one of our first fights was about money, but I wouldn't feel bad over this one. Don't sweat the small stuff.
Theresa | Oct 9, 2008
My Dad's friend has Him beat. He was married and had his 2 daughters as the beneficiaries. Then got divorced daughters grew up and actually had no relationship with Tim. Tim remarries and has another daughter. 10 years later he realizes that the first 2 daughters who are now adults and still won't talk to Tim are still his beneficiries. Man Tim's wife was MAD.
In reality. It doesn't sound like your first fight was about money. It sounds like your first fight was about expectations.
Neither your side nor your spouse's is "correct" but ought to be worked through.
Xenko | Oct 9, 2008
"This means that for the past three years that we have been engaged, Him had left me unprotected in case the worst had happened."
50% is leaving you unprotected, yet apparently it is a big chunk of money to give to his parents. I'm going to have to say that Him was correct, and you just over-reacted. I'm glad you made two made up.
- May the rest of your fights be silly and frivolous in nature.
I agree with Adam here. It was about expectation. You were upset because you expected Him to put 100% just like what you did.
For most people, marriage is the tie that binds. Apparently for you, engagement is THE tie.
astral_monkey | Oct 9, 2008
I can definitely understand where you are coming from. My partner and I are due to be married in 4 months and for the past few years we have shared our entire lives. Good times, bad times, finances and all!
My fiance has always had the opinion that a piece of paper on our wedding day will not change who we are or how we live our lives. You have already made a commitment to someone by sharing your life with them (whether living together, engaged, or married), what it comes down to is if something were to happen to you, you would want that person taken care of financially (it's part of the commitment you have made).
You obviously didn't hesitate to make Him your soul beneficiary, which is a good thing, but we are talking a few years ago now you can't fault him for not being ready at that point in time to put you as the same.
I'm sure when you got engaged neither of you really thought about your life insurance. When you get married there a few legal bits and pieces that need to be dealt with so it's not unusual for forgotten things such as insurance policies to be remembered.
I definitely would have had my partner on my insurance policy (if I had one), but don't be too hard on Him for not!
Apart from that I hope married life is treating you well.
Bobbi | Oct 9, 2008
My fiance and I have not made any changes to our policies and will not do so until we're married. We would not expect this of one another. I don't think Him was out of line, and I don't think it matters whether his parents "absolutely do not need a dime" because it's his choice. Tkng t stdnt ln pymnts yr slry wn't b bl t cvr s rcklss, s rlly t's nt tht h lft y nprtctd, t's tht y ddn't prtct yrslf.
Gigi | Oct 10, 2008
I don't think he did anything wrong, I actually think he was very generous with putting you down at all.
I have known 4 couples in the past 3 years break off engagements. It would have been more upsetting to the new fiance to find out that the policy was going to the ex.
strange bird | Oct 10, 2008
Is this a new thing that when someone wants to attack you, they do it without the vowels?
Anyway I want to revise my previous analysis. While *I* would do things differently, it's because I have different expectations of when people should have each other as beneficiaries. Maybe it is just about expectations and making sure you're both open about them and talking about them regularly.
Jen | Oct 12, 2008
Gotta say, I agree what seems to be a minority of posters that once you begin a household together it is not out of line to consider protecting one another's ability to stay financially afloat if the worst should happen. As partners you work towards shared goals and encounter shared risks that may be difficult to weather alone, especially in a time of grief.
I second the sentiment that thank goodness the worst didn't happen and thanks for reminding us that even couples who work hard to stay on the same page about finances end up surprised once in a while. Glad to see your new marriage has made over it's first bump in the road. :P
Actually, our first fight was on our honeymoon and it was about smoking. My husband had gotten laid off shortly before the wedding. Between that stress and the impending marriage, he started smoking again after almost two years without.
I got sick of him smoking while we were on the honeymoon because he had already started making excuses as to why he couldn't quit. So we fought.
But we've definitely had a couple arguments about money and spending. His ADD means he's a little careless at times. And I'm a little rigid about money sometimes. It keeps things interesting but we find a middle ground pretty quickly. We still sometimes drift to our respective extremes, but a quarrel will remind us we're both supposed to be making compromises and finding a good balance.
First real fight was about leaving me at the train station for 3 hours waiting to be picked up. No apology when she eventually arrived.
The fight that made me realize that she needed to move out was when she let my daughter burn herself with a cup of tea mom had just microwaved. She stood by and let my daughter burn herself. She kept saying "no," but my daughter is willful. She should have moved the cup away from the edge of the kitchen counter in the first place. That was 3 years ago. My daughter still has scars on her chest.
I'm divorced (and you'll see why by the end of this), and our second fight was about money - he saw no need to have any money left in our account come payday, and there was no emergency fund. I never won that argument - he out-earned me, and therefore I had very little influence. So glad I'm not 23 anymore.
The first fight was BIZARRE...we were on our honeymoon, and he informed me that he was a closet crossdresser and had really wanted to be the one in the long white dress. I'll say it again: I'm so glad I'm not 23 anymore.
Our first marital argument was not over insurance policies, I can say that, but... I've been married over 14 years so I can't even remember what we first fought over. I have learned that over the years you need to stay open and honest and kind when sharing your feelings. Trying your best to communicate in a kind way will usually lead to the best resolution.
Jerry
Heather | Oct 8, 2008
Yes, our first married fight, on our honeymoon no less, was about money. We were fighting because he thought I spent too much money by eating out most work days for lunch and I thought he spent too much money on video games. We were both right, but it took us about 9 months more to come around to the fact that we were spending way too much money. Now we're working on digging our way out of debt, but we're doing it as a team. We still have occasional arguments about money, but now we're working towards a common goal and a team.
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