Want Advice On How To Bring Up A Tough Money Conversation?
Posted on November 07, 2007 by Him and tagged finances, relationship
"Listen, we have to talk..." At one point in your life, you have heard these words, and you know that it's never the start of anything pleasant. Maybe they were being said to you, maybe you heard them coming out of your own mouth. Maybe, you are even thinking about saying these words to someone in the near future, but don't know how to go about it. When I had to have a big financial talk with Her, it wasn't that pretty.
Do you have to have a difficult conversation in the near future, but don't know where to start? If you're having trouble finding the right words or right way to frame a difficult money discussion, leave a comment below explaining your situation for Shelia Heen (bio), a communication expert and author of Difficult Conversations, who helped come up with the quiz and tips on Have The Talk America. We'll leave comments open until Monday Wednesday, November 14, 11:59PM. She'll select a few questions to answer, which we will then post on by Have the Talk Day, November 20, a day in which you can prepare for to have your big talk.
Here are some examples of situations you may have trouble with...
- Do you want to bring up money talks with your partner?
- Are your parents getting a little old, and you want to have a big financial talk with them about getting their estate in order?
- Do you have a friend whose spending is out of control and are getting worried about him/her?
Here are some good reasons to have a talk, according to the "Tough Talks" survey...
- More than 40 percent of Gen Yers, Gen Xers and Boomers have admitted screening phone calls or emails, and one in five have actually cut off all contact with a family member for fear of engaging in a difficult conversation.
- "Not having enough money” and “household budgeting” are two topics deemed most likely to cause conflict among all respondents, and for Gen Xers and Yers, “use of credit” ranked third.
- Sixty percent of all Gen Xers and Yers worry they won’t have enough money to retire.
- Fifty percent of all Gen Xers and Yers have lost sleep over the anticipation of a difficult conversation; more seriously, approximately 20 percent of Gen Xers and Yers attribute the end of a romantic relationship or estrangement from a family member to the avoidance of a difficult conversation.
Have the Talk has a lot of tips on how to approach difficult conversations, from talking to your partner about money, talking to your kids about bumpin' uglies (aka SEX, per the urban dictionary), and how to talk to your parents about an estate plan. You should also take their quiz to find out your communication style.
To help soften up the initial invite to talk, you can send a humorous video invite, featuring Frank Caliendo, to that person. Admittedly, I was skeptical of them, but they are really funny.
So go ahead, and leave a comment for Sheila or visit Have the Talk.
(As full disclosure, the Have the Talk website is a campaign by Nationwide insurance, who paid us absolutely nothing to post this. We just thought it would be a great resource for our readers.)
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My boyfriend, who is in graduate school, is completely financially dependent on his parents. He lives rent-free and earns more than enough to pay his mandatory expenses and save, but instead spends everything he earns and has his parents refill his account when he overdraws. We talk about moving in together when we both finish school, but I'm afraid he'll expect to live off me the way he lives off his parents. It's not that I think he'll take advantage so much as I think he doesn't know how to take care of himself financially. How can I talk to him about "proving himself," without asking him to prove himself?
Gigi | Nov 9, 2007
KimberlyHMN - You can create a prenupt with certain time clauses. Type A can be yours/mine separate forever. Type B can state that if after x number of years, assests are joint and the prenupt is disolved.
If there is a wide discrepancies in assests then a prenupt should happen. If you both have about the same, then it may not make a difference.
indebted | Nov 13, 2007
Hello,
Please help with advice.
I have been married since May of 2006.
Late last year, I found out that my husband had purchased a home without consulting me. He was planning on ‘flipping’ the house to make a profit. I found out about it accidentally when I came across some paperwork. I confronted him about it and he has shown little remorse. His explanation was simply that this was a business venture and had nothing to do with our relationship. He knows that I have been extremely upset about this for a year. It has also impacted our lived because he is always late on our rent payments and never has any spending money. He has not been able to sell the house.
This weekend, I found out that in addition to this house; he also took out another mortgage and a home equity loan on an entirely separate house.
All told in the year and a half that we have been married he has taken out a total of $550K in loans. I confronted him again this weekend and again he says that this is not my concern and that this was a business venture. None of this was purchased under a business name; this was all done under his name.
Is there anything I can do to protect myself? I am concerned that he is way over his head and will not be able to pay all of these loans. I am concerned that eventually I will have to start covering these expenses.
Does anyone have any thoughts to advice?
Thank you much,
Indebted and still in love
cliff | Nov 13, 2007 | Reply to indebted
First of all, everything from an overdue cell phone bill up to a mortgage is joint once married. Sounds like he didn't and still doesn't want to admit it after marriage. I'm assuming this is both of your first marriages. I'd suggest even seeking legal counsel because this could lead to larger problems. 3 out of 5 reasons for divorce these days are due to finances. If he starts out doing this in the first year of marriage, this could be something he will continue to do. If you two are going to remain married, you need to get on the same page financially. One partner should not be cut out of a financial venture which both are responsible for paying. Good luck, I know how hard it is when your partner doesn't have the same financial outlook on life.
S | Nov 14, 2007
Hi,
It's nice to see your apt replies. I got married this June and currently not working. My husband had run into a 12K loan before marriage..He never mentioned that before marriage and there were big fights about that. Now he s in the process of repaying them. It did upset me big time, because I was working too and I had saved and invested well.
He is changing but as a next step, once he is done with loans, I want him to invest in real estate in a very lucrative place. He was like ' first I need to have some money in hand'only then will I consider any investment', but the prices are increasing every single day and I don't think it's wise to postpone things. Basically he is very slow in taking steps towards money saving, investing etc..I ll start working in 2 yrs from now after I do my MS. Till then I want him to take the best possible steps which is in the best interest of both of us. How do I go about this ?
Thanks for your patience in reading.
Regds
Shri
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KimberlyHMN | Nov 7, 2007
This is such a great opportunity! I have a 'talk' I need to start, but really am dreading it. I just got engaged to my fiance (we've been together for quite awhile). I know the smart thing to do is to get a pre-nup, but he has said that they are the worst things ever!! He thinks you're preparing to divorce before you even get married! We both plan to spend the rest of our lives together (obviously) but just-in-case (since you never know who you or they will turn into!) I think we should have a pre-nup before we get married. How do I bring this up to him without hurting him and without making it seem like I expect to divorce sometime in the future?
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