How Much Do You Tell Your Parents?
Posted on November 09, 2007 by Him and tagged family, finances, parents, relationship
I love blogging about my mom. Really. She gives me so much to talk about. My dad doesn't speak much, and he's not crazy, so I don't write much about him.
Ever since I've been more or less financially independent from my parents, I feel as if they don't need to know the financial minutiae of my life. When I first obtained my current job, I divulged my salary information to my mom; however, back then I did live at home and was eating their food. Now, I don't tell her much - currently, my mom doesn't know exactly how much I make. That doesn't stop my mom from asking, though.
I wouldn't mind so much if she asked maybe once a year or so. It gets annoying because everything eventually turns to "how much did it cost?" Here's a fun scenario:
Me: Mom, I'm running a half-marathon!
Mom: Oh really? How much does that cost?
Me: ...
You can substitute my first line with anything, from "I like midget bondage" to "Oh my god I sliced off my thumb" to "No, Mario Lopez will always be A.C. Slater to me." She will, in some way, ask about the cost.
Now, here's what happens when she's asks about money coming in:
Mom: So how much was your bonus?
Me: It was a nice amount...
Mom: You should give some to me and your dad.
Again, you can substitute "bonus" with "salary", "amount of Christmas presents", "tax refund" or "illegal mob money" and still get the same result.
Where I start to get angry is when my mom starts asking me about Her's salary, bonuses, cost of whatever. That is certainly not her business. She has even asked Her directly about some money issues. I thought that was way out of line and I told her so.
Why don't I like telling her specifics? My mom has a way of using whatever information I give her against me, and possibly Her, for her own evil purposes. Oh mama, you so craaaaaaazy.
How much financial information do you divulge to your parents? Do they ask you about your finances or do you readily give them information? How has this affected your relationship with them? Do you tell them, or do they ask about your partner's finances?
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Well, I know they periodically read my blog, though I don't think they follow it in-depth. So I know anything I post there might get back to them. Otherwise, I answer any questions but don't volunteer stuff unless I'm looking for advice.
I am very open about my financial situation. It helps when I say, I can't afford this or that. I like being an open book because they feel like they can equally share.
Matt | Nov 9, 2007
As a recent college graduate, my parents would often encourage me to put extra effort toward my student loans. And they were a little worried when I started signing up for credit cards (for cash rewards use and expense tracking), but after several months of things going smoothly, they are laissez-faire.
I am open with them about such things, including salary from my full-time and freelance work. Because I enjoy talking about personal finance, I sometimes offer the information as a matter of course before they have a chance to ask. I don't consider such things highly private, among my family at least.
I talk frequently with my mother about finances. I have been good with managing my money, so she often asks me for advice. We do not have a problem with talking about specifics, especially since I do not have a problem telling her when to let me do things my way.
My mother in law asks my husband about his money situation. When he got a raised a few months ago, she asked him in the reaturant w/ other people how much it was.
My mother and I speak about money in general terms. She usually wonders if we're saving enough money to get a house or retirement.
Jessica | Nov 9, 2007
I am very open with my parents about money. They helped set up my first ameritrade account, and my dad still does my taxes. I'm getting married next year, so the tax thing will change, but I think we'll continue to be very open.
It works both ways, too. My mom tells me what my dad's bonus was, or I've talked with my dad a lot about his various stock options and how much they're worth or when they can be excercised. It's very educational for me.
Nobody uses the information against each other. My parents have a lot more money then me, and I can't even imagine a scenario where my mom would ask me for money. I was 26 before my dad would stop trying to give me money for "gas and stuff" when I would come home to visit them.
I think the fact that we are so open with finances has helped me make such good financial decisions. They let me have a credit card on their account when I was 16, but every month, my dad would sit down with me and the credit card bill and highlight all of my purchases, and I would then write a check for him. That has probably been the biggest influence on me never going into credit card debt.
Him | Nov 9, 2007 | Reply to Jessica
I think that if I had the same financial parity of disclosure that my mom asks of me, then maybe I'd be a little less apprehensive. I've never known the details of my parents' finances.
They don't tell me how much money they make, and so I feel no obligation to tell them how much I make.
I'm not going to give them any money, and I don't want any money from them, so what would be the point?
Adrienne | Nov 9, 2007
Wow.....at first I thought I was reading one of my own blog entries. My mother is the same about trying to pry cost and salary related information from me. I am an only child so she has LOTS of energy for focusing attention on me and what I do/don't earn. When I got my first job I was SO HAPPY that I didn't think when she asked how much I made. I was elated to say the 'high' number. That definitely backfired quickly as every conversation would eventually have her suggesting that I send she and my stepfather some money (how could one person possibly need THAT MUCH money). I learned quickly that money was not a subject to discuss....nor were most other things. Unfortunately I learned that things worked better when I didn't say much of anything because successes and lessons learned from experiences would get thrown back in my face. At this point (7 years later) I feel that our relationship is severely strained but I tend to think that my mother sees it differently. Everything is fine through her rose-colored glasses and money to spend. I hope things get better in the future.......
If anything I have the opposite problem: my parents trying to push cash to me all the time. That's a good problem to have right? Well, it annoys the crap out of me since I am a grown professional with three kids who can provide for his own family very well, thank you very much.
Parents are fun.
Diana | Nov 10, 2007
My parents live frugally on social security. What little money they had during their lives was spent raising 7 children. I, on the other hand, make mid-6 figures as a physician. My 6 sibs do very well also. I'm open with my parents about what I make and also the tax bill that goes along with it. My mom gets SO indignant (!) about the amount of taxes I pay. "It's just NOT FAIR that you have to pay that much!!"
Mom is SO sweet!! She will be her children's champion forever!!
A | Nov 11, 2007
I tell my mother mostly everything financially- about how much I make (which she is so happy about) and how much debt I have, and when I'm stressing about finances she always says she had more money to help me out. Which is a nice thought. I DON'T tell her how much I spend on certain things- hair coloring, etc. which I know she feels are exorbitant prices- but that is a difference in opinion about the quality of home hair coloring vs salon :) I don't tell my father almost anything about my salary or raises or how much I get per paycheck because he is the WORST person with finances and owes tons of money to various people and organizations therefore I know he would play the 'help your father out' card if he knew specifics. (my parents are divorced)
shela | Nov 11, 2007
I rarely mention any personal information to my mother, including financial information. She seems to have a problem with confidentiality, and I have never been able to trust her with important information.
My father, on the other hand, was the paragon of discretion, and I could talk about finances with him. It is too bad I lost him 16 years ago, he was a good friend and a great sounding board. He helped me through college, and he also talked me through my first (and only) car loan.
Our parents are all so different! My m-i-l wants to make sure we're not spending any money; my f-i-l wants to make sure we don't make the same mistakes he has; my stepmom never talks about it; my mom wants to know about my stepmom's money; and my dad has made, lost and made fortunes. Guess who I talk to about money and who I don't? I spend hours picking my dad's brain and more or less ignore the rest...
I'm all for talking to our parents and our children about money. I want to know if I'll need to be prepared to care for a parent financially. I also want my child to know how to handle his finances. I've shared with him some of our successes and failures and help him learn along the way. Our parents, though, with the exception of my dad, won't talk to us about their money - they just want to make sure that they approve of our finances...
I hope that when my son is grown, neither of us will be afraid to be open about family finances.
Interesting post! I'm a recent graduate and I tell my parents details of salary and maybe bonuses (if they asked). They don't know what I'm saving, but they know I am.
They tell me about the same--they'll tell me how much they make, but I have no idea how much is saved for retirement. Probably not enough. I am good with my money and it has already put me in some frustrating family situations.
I've asked for advice on some things and figured out they don't know much more than me. Maybe less now that I spend time on pf blogs!
Catherine | Nov 12, 2007
My husband and I, as well of some of our friends, feel a bit uncomfortable telling our parents how much we make because in our twenties we make much more than they do at near-retirement. In my best friend's case, her college internship actually paid more than her mother's job. Our parents are glad to see us succeed and are glad that we are benefiting from their having sent us to college, but I think they can't help but feel a little resentment that it's so easy for us.
Dariaclone | Nov 12, 2007
Like Catherine, the income differences mean that I don't want to share. Not that I don't try to be generous, but I feel awkward with the discrepancy.
Dariaclone | Nov 12, 2007
And by the way, I love reading the mom stories as much as you like telling them!
julia | Nov 12, 2007
I used to tell my parents everything but then my partner started telling me not too. At first I thought he was nuts but then I realized he was right. My parents do not have the same financial ethics as we do and they spend money that really they should be saving, especially in the name sake of christmas. My partner and I however feel it is more important to invest money and save for our childrens education, we have 3 that we would like to be able to go to top schools, and if we tell them how much we make and then give them a gift that they feel in too cheap for how much we make then their feelings are hurt and we feel pressure.
Him,
Not to ask too personal a question, but I think it's a relevant one, are you the oldest son in your family? Is that one reason why your mom keeps bugging you about your status? Is your mom the one who carries the purse strings at her house?
FWIW, I am not the oldest in my family, but my sibling and I have a good understanding that we both will have to assist our parents in their old age because they have undersaved. We're ok with that and we are ok with sharing the burden slightly unequally as the situation demands. They don't ask us for money all the time.
My mom waits until it's a really huge need or makes a specific request for her Christmas present. We discuss what she wants and what we are willing to get for her or my dad for the holidays. It's never more than $500 for a present and we don't trade many other gifts over the course of the year anyway. (And she lets me take her clearance sale cashmere sweaters if I like them!)
The other big requests, I guess my sibling and I see them as investments. My mom has asked for help on three specific things I know about. 1. Property taxes. 2. New windows and roof on the house. 3. Luggage for Christmas. My sibling took #1. I took the windows. I negotiated to help with the roof in 2009, rather than in 2008, and I'm buying new luggage my mom wanted before the holidays while my sibling pays for my parents' airline tickets and part of the hotel cost for our Christmas trip together.
I think my mom doesn't bug me about because she's not insecure about my income anymore. She used to ask when I was younger and drowned in debt, etc. But since I'm doing well for myself, I think she's less curious because *I'm* not freaking out over my finances. So maybe she takes her cues from me?
At any rate, I feel a post coming on later this week... You can always email replies to my nosy questions or tell me to buzz off! LOL
nashiitashii | Nov 15, 2007 | Reply to mapgirl
From what I'm given to understand, this may partially be a cultural issue that's been exacerbated by his mom's attitudes toward money. IIRC, Him is Asian, and it's common in many Asian families (esp. recent immigrants) to hold the belief that adult children are there to take care of their parents. His mom appears to be taking this literally at a pretty early stage with the expectation that it is Him's (future/potential) children's responsibility to provide for him in old age. Some parents are more subtle and less demanding about it than others, though.
My situation is a bit different. I haven't been on my own for long, so my mother has an idea of how much I make (hourly wages, as I'm a grad student) and is aware of how much I pay per month in rent, but the rest of it is pretty vague. My father and I talk only slightly more openly about finances, but it's still not very open compared to some parents' input.
Em | Nov 13, 2007
Like Him, my husband's mother is constantly giving us money advise. She handles her money very differently, but feels its her job to tell us what we should do with our money. She gave my husband money after he graduated from college. But she still nags him about how he chose to spend that money. She wanted him to pay off his car. He paid his rent up front for 6 months, instead. We've been asked how much our house cost, how much money we make, and how do we afford the trips we take. If it were a concerned parent, worried about our choices, I might not be so mad about it. But this is just a very nosey parent, trying to compare her life choices to ours. I work in the banking world, and I don't appreciate our personal finances being questioned by a person who doesn't trust the stock market and keeps broken-down cars in their front yard. My advice is to keep mum about money. It's nobody's business unless you feel comfortable telling them.
guideposts | Nov 13, 2007
Very interesting discussion! I'm a parent of 3 adult children in their 20's. I ask financial questions of how much is earned and how it is spent, not to be snoopy about the minutia of their finances but because I want to understand how they spend their money.
Why is it my business? I am currently working out the details of my future financial planning (wills, trusts, etc.). If they are at a stage in life where they are going thru money like water and putting themselves in unneccesary debt, I feel it would be frivolous to leave them a large inheritance if they don't understand and have a good stable financial plan for themselves.
Child #1 has progressed in the last 5 years. Child #2 has been steady and stable since age 10. Child #3 has a LONG way to go. Then you factor in spouses and how they spend. Naturally, spouses do influence how money is spent so it is important to also understand how they value money.
There is no cultural expectation in our relationships that any of our children owe us anything so yes, we pay for meals out, etc. When it comes for our birthdays we ask that they call us. Don't need a card, don't need any presents, just want to hear their voices. Christmas gifts to us are music CD's and socks with a bag of Twizzlers thrown in on the side. We try to keep it very simple for our kids. Now that the kids are married, we have decided to give them one gift per year for anniversary, bithdays, and Christmas combined. We pay a certain number of $ of a debt owed. Probably sounds a little strange, but they are very open to this.
So, yes, I'll continue to ask. I need to keep a financial pulse so that I can make a plan that will work for them and keep me from rolling over in my grave.
I talk more about finances with my mom than with my dad. But that's mostly because my dad hates talking on the phone. My mom and I share the love of reading personal finance/investing type books, so we talk about that kind of stuff sometimes. Plus, I like telling my mom that I'm paying down my student loans and such...it gives me a feeling of accomplishment.
It's weird, because I know that money is one of those "forbidden topics" when you're talking with people, but I think I've found that I really like talking about personal finance stuff (tracking expenses, investing in 401(k)s and IRAs, etc. etc.) and I've found that my colleagues like that I tell them certain information...we're all starting out still in this "real world" of work and bills and such, so any help we get to learn seems like a good plan. And I think that since I only really have student loan debt, and I'm working towards paying it down, I'm not really ashamed of my current position. It's almost a shared feeling among my colleagues and I, since we all have student debt.
c | Nov 13, 2007
My mom likes to make comments like "I'm sure you guys (my husband and I) make more than us," etc. It's her roundabout way of trying to get me to divulge info. I usually just respond with "I don't know about that." I think we actually make about the same as my parents, but I feel like my mom resents the fact that at age 30 I own a nice home in a great neighborhood, drive a Lexus and am (generally) not too worried about money. My husband and I are very fortunate, but we've also made good decisions that have allowed us to be where we are. Quite honestly, I don't think it's anyone's business what we make and how we spend our money. I haven't ever asked my parents for money, so I feel like that's part of our life that we don't need to share.
KM | Nov 13, 2007
My mother used to know how much I earned, but I stopped telling her a few years ago. I got a new job with a much higher income than I'd earned previously, and I let her know the number when I accepted the job. But over time, it felt like the knowledge was changing how she thought of me as a person, even though I haven't changed much. I think she's a little prejudiced against people with money. I switched to emphasizing that the income was variable and being vague about the actual numbers. It keeps our relationship from being strained by her having a distorted view of me.
That said, I can't imagine my mother telling me that I needed to give her money because I'd earned a bonus. She's very resistant to the idea of us children supporting her in any way. I just hope that she'll accept our help when she gets older.
First and foremost, I can definitely relate to those who have parents probing to be able to ask for money. My parents have terrible money habits. I lucked into realizing this early on and have gone in a very different direction with my own finances. My parents have divorced and for the most part never think beyond the end if the week and insuring they have enough to afford their favorite vices. Now they are in their late 50's and are realizing they have next to nothing.
My earnings are for my children and their future. I grew up poor but my children will not just so Gram and Gramps can continue to hit the bar and casino.
hazygrey | Nov 17, 2007
I'm pretty open to my mom about what I make. She's not as open to me about her finances, but I know my parents are comfortably off and they don't expect anything from me, also my mom is pretty good about not being judgmental. But I don't want my parents in law to know how much I make - my spouse is a student so I make all the money in my household. My income is high right now, but I think will go down in the future. I don't want them to think we're well off, I think they might have higher expectations on gifts etc...
mjmcinto | Nov 19, 2007
Wow, your mom sounds very similar to my mother. My wife and I recently moved, and when my mother came to the house and saw it, she hounded my sister about how much it cost, which my sister didn't know, and told her so. Then she said we were being "showy", which while nice, is only a 4 bedroom 3 bath house.
She's also of the opinion that my sister and I need to "take care of her". She's a widow in her early 50's, and if she were financially responsible I'd be willing to help. However, she isn't. In the past 6 years she has:
-blown through the life insurance from my father (not a lot, but sizable)
- Been bailed out of sizable credit card debt by her mother twice
- Has been getting several hundred dollars worth of assistance from her mother monthly
- Refuses to move to a smaller house to help her financial situation (she lives by herself in a 4 bedroom house)
- When I've tried to talk to her about her finances and helping her, her response was "Do I need to give you a lesson in finances to get you to shut up. I don't spend more than I make". Yet clearly she does as the list above shows.
Because of this, talking about money is difficult w/my mother, so I just don't do it (especially since my wife and I combined make ~3.5x as she does). When she asks, just don't respond, or I'll talk about raises and bonuses in a percentage figure.
Now her mother, I will talk to no problem, and will even give specifics, b/c I know she'll be proud and happy for me. She also knows that if something happened, and she needed financial help from me, I'd give it in an instant. It's the feeling of entitlement from someone who thinks that I should do without so that I can support their irresponsible behavior that keeps me from sharing with her (I should note that when i first started working I shared with her, but that was before she became so obsessed w/others taking care of her)
Jerry | Nov 30, 2007
This leads me to recall when my kid sis graduated from law school a few years back. She passed the bar and got a great job in California... and suddenly some members of my family were DYING to find out what her annual income was! Now, my sister and I are close, so she had told me what she was making, but we have a pretty big family, and some of the more annoying siblings were doggone sure that this was their business. Drove me batty. I can talk money in generalities with my parents, and that's all I will do. They have actually made great strides in their financial smarts over the past decade or so - previously, I would not even have broached the topic for fear of cracking the phone down over my own head in frustration. I will talk retirement, annuities, student debt, and stuff like that with my one sister, but not with the rest of my siblings.
Jerry
My dad: High but irregular income, high net worth, high debt levels. That's all I know. He tells me nothing. He thinks I'm too frugal and has often pressured me to buy a nicer house, nicer car, etc. Therefore I don't talk to him much about money.
My mom: Totally, totally different money philosophy from mine. We talk about $$ sometimes, but I have to be careful not to lecture her because I think her approach to finances is insane, even tho it has always worked for her and she's doing okay. It freaks me out that I'm 31 and she's 62 and we have roughly the same amount of retirement savings, especially since she likes the finer things in life. So we talk about it, but not regularly, and I don't disclose all.
My inlaws: They think it's weird that I like personal finance. They are naturally frugal and live comfortably but simply and earn a very good living. They are past retirement age but like their jobs so they're still working. I think their net worth is pretty high but they don't care about it so they don't talk about it much. I try not to talk about money with them just because I feel self conscious for being interested in money and caring about it. They have never done anything based on financial motivation and I am afraid they think I'm shallow, and raging capitalist to boot (they're socialists).
Cami | Feb 8, 2008
Wow! What a great post and response!
I am happy to see that my MIL is not the only one who acts the way she does! My inlaws have VERY different values than us and it makes it very hard for us to relate/interact or even discuss money issues. And, I have no sympathy for them, because their "troubles" are so self-inflicted.
When my BF lived at home just after high school, MIL took an active interest in how much he made (even searched around for his pay stubs). Now keep in mind that initially after school, BF was working two crappy jobs full time to save up enough money to buy the stuff we needed to move out together, while I was in my first year of college. MIL saw BF's efforts as mooching and would ask for "rent" (yes, can you believe this) as soon as his paychecks came in.
What didn't help is BF's two older sisters are also not well off financially, so they would gang up with the MIL and all cry about how "hard" real life is and how "we'll learn when we move out" how hard money issues are, etc. The most frustrating part of this was, the whole time BF lived with MIL, I spent so much time there that I could see how badly she handled her finances. The poor money situation was SOOOOO self-inflicted. The "rent" money was being used to make minimum monthly credit card payments, meanwhile, many times we watched her ring up extravagant bills for really stupid, unnecessary purchaes. (Example: Going to a candlelite party and charged $200 in candles to a credit card... when you can get basic candles for $20 at the store.)
Happily, we moved out, to a bigger centre. And we are doing really really well. In fact, the first time MIL and sister in law came to visit, they marched around the house exclaiming, "What did this cost?", "When did you get this?", etc. This turned into an argument, but it proved to be an important one because I laid down ground rules. I said we were not comfortable talking about our finances, because we value different things. For example, MIL likes $200 candles...well guess what, I like to save $200 into a retirement account. And then, when anyone gets wind that I have money saved, it turns into "can you lend me money".
I have learned that it's best to not mention prices. My idea of cheap or reasonable = my MIL/sister in laws' idea of insainely priced. For example, SIL lives in a very small town and was rallying the family to lend her $2000 to help with a downpayment. Later, SIL asked us how much we paid for our vacation ($4500) and nearly died when BF disclosed the amount! Avoid dollar amounts! We just told her that we had to "save up for a long time" to go on that vacation...
NOTE: The best rule I have to share about lending money to friends/family is, don't lend, just gift. Lending/borrowing relationships can get nasty and ruin relationships.
Catherine | Nov 9, 2007
My father is a super-duper financial planner type. I frequently go to him for his opinion and I show him my Roth IRA account and my 401K account and we talk about diversifying or what-have-you. However, when it comes to day-to-day expenses or the financials of my boyfriend he is on a strictly need-to-know-basis or none-of-your-bees-wax. It works and he doesn't tend to push, so it's okay.
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