Finances and Relationships: Dropping the Debt Bomb?
Posted on November 01, 2007 by Him and tagged finances, relationship
photo: agiel
Her and I met early on during our collegiate careers when we both had little debt, student loan or otherwise. To us, racking up debt was a normal part of college life, so it didn't bother either of us when the other pulled out a credit card to pay for something (in retrospect, that was probably a bad idea). We did everything together as we built our fledgling relationship, from getting wasted at parties studying really hard for classes to building a future of debt. So when we finally divulged our financial malaise to each other, the fact that we each had debt wasn't a surprise.
I wonder how different that conversation would have went had we met in different circumstances. How would this conversion even be brought up? Would I have still stayed with Her knowing how much debt she had? Would Her have been fine with my frivolous spending? Or would have ended with us making out and forgetting about it until another day? We often try and speculate about these things and talk about these "what if" scenarios, but both of us really don't know what would happen.
If you met your partner and either of you had significant debt coming into the relationship, how did you handle it? Have you shied away from serious relationships because of your financial status? Have yours or your partners' debt been the demise of a relationship?
(sorry, no one is going to see our Halloween pics from last night, that would make us not-so-anonymous now, wouldn't it?)
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A | Nov 1, 2007
My last potentially serious relationship ended partly because of my debt. I was graduating college, and with no job prospects I couldn't consider staying in my college town, which would have continued the relationship. I never told him the reason I couldn't stay, although I did tell him later I had wanted to stay. My debt pigeon-holed my future!
In my current semi-serious relationship, I'm stressed about the inevitable debt revelation. (especially when he says stuff like "you know everything about me" and i think to myself... hmm theres something you don't know!) I don't think the specifics of my debt will come out unless we contemplate moving in/getting engaged- and we have to set in stone our net cash flows to figure out what kind of apartment, etc. we can get. Fortunately, the majority of my debt is student loans, which he and i share the view of being 'good' debt.
But its hard to not let him know my complete financial situation. I hint at it from time to time, when I talk about budgets and not being able to afford vacations. Paying off debt is like losing weight- its easier when you have a partner. I'm living with my parents still to try to pay off as much as possible as quickly as possible, and for the meantime, as my mother would say "your money is your own business"
When my husband asked me to marry him I said, "only if you pay off all your credit card debt". I knew he had debt but I didn't know how much. It was around $4000.
Needless to say, he buckled down and paid if off, then we got married. He now appreciates that I made him do that and says it's the best thing he's ever done. He grew up living paycheck to paycheck and never had a good example of money management.
He says he really appreciates being financially responsible and the security that it brings.
He says if would have never met me he'd have a lot more stuff, and a lot more debt, and not be nearly as happy.
My fiscal irresponsibility pretty much cost me my first marriage. I incurred new debt, lied about it, hid bills and other such wonderful behavior. I am now in another, healthier relationship. The Man knows about most of my financial woes. He knows I have filed for C-13 bankruptcy and I am trying hard to become a better financial manager. He has been very supportive. He and I are both postponing the next step (moving in together, marriage..whatever) until we are both in a bit better financial situation. While he is a good money manager, he does have a bit of credit card debt. But in the 2 years we have known each other, we have discussed money far more than I ever discussed it with my ex, and he and I were married for 24 years.
RP | Nov 1, 2007
I brought up money pretty early on with The Husband - I had gotten burned pretty badly with Mr. Ex-Live-In and was not about to get into any serious relationship with someone who wanted to spend all our money on his passions. Even before that point, though, The Husband made full disclosure of his remaining debts and his plan to pay them off well before we shacked up. And we did the full-disclosure thing before we even considered living together.
We kind of just talked about it little by little. My husband is a saver by nature and he didn't have a credit card. He paid everything with cash. I use my credit card (I paid in full). He paid off his student loan. I'll graduate in December and then tackle that on my own.
JJ | Nov 2, 2007
When I met my now Fiance, he was a few thousand dollars in debt, while I had been a saver my whole life. Around the two-month mark in our relationship he disclosed his credit card issues, and from then on we worked together to pull him out. We set a budget, savings plans, and I cut back on my lifestyle, so he wouldn't feel the need to take me out to fancy dinners, etc.
We'll be getting married in a few months, and I'm happy to report that not only is he out of debt, but we have since merged our finances and have a signifcant joint balance in our ING direct account. Sometimes it's still a work in progress, but I think overall we're on the same page financially now, and we're both working together to acheive all our future goals.
I took a "year off" after college to travel the world. I carried a little credit card debt from that, but paid it off within 6 months. My now-husband and I moved in together before we were engaged. He had an auto loan and some credit card debt. I made him pay both off before we even considered getting married. We still have no debt and we are actively saving for a 20% house downpayment. It is easy to stop spending money once you get on the savings track and realize how difficult it is to regularly move $500 from your checking to savings and have the discipline to NOT regulary withdraw funds from your savings account.
I've been dating my boyfriend about 6.5 years, and we have been pretty honest since the beginning. I've always found it easy to talk about money, so that was not hard for me to overcome. We met when we were seniors in college, so that meant neither of us had money, and we both had to pay for our education, so we both had school loan debt. Today, the only debt the two of us have combined in school loan debt. Unfortunately it is more than it was 6 years ago, because he's in med school, and that price tag is just enormous. Combined our school loan debt is over the $200,000 mark. Ugh!! But, we've got great financial habits beyond the student loans, and I think we'll be able to tackle that well once he's done with school/residency.
MVP | Nov 2, 2007
Once the debt started getting really bad (about $30K) I started getting really nervous about how I'd reveal it to a prospective mate. I knew on my salary I wouldn't be able to pay that off for a long time. Plus, as a single gal on a tight budget, how was I ever going to meet anyone? Well, I got a second job and ended up meeting my now-husband there. I brought up the debt as soon as we started getting serious, because I didn't want to disappoint him too far into the relationship. He accepted it, I focused on paying down the debt and not getting into more debt while dating; we got married (without debt); and with LOTS of his help (much focus, garage sales and extra jobs), we paid the debt off. Now we're debt-free and loving it, and it's changed my life. I guess you could say the debt made me part of who I am, which is good...
Cami | Nov 8, 2007
When I met by boyfriend 5 years ago, we were in high school. We both had auto loans, and he had loans for a computer, furniture, keyboard, you name it. In retrospect, I wish I WOULD have gotten involved in his/"our" finances earlier, but for the first two years it was just sorta "fun" dating. We blew money ridiculously and I never thought twice about how badly he was spoiling me.
When I starting thinking about us getting serious, however, things changed. As the "money manager" of the couple, I didn't just jump into his finances, but instead offered suggestions as I made changes in my own life. He followed, and after about a year of that, he just pretty much was like, "You handle the finances!"
Let me tell you though, the hardest part of the whole thing was the in-laws. They figured I was "controlling" his money.... when really him and I were just starting to work together and consider each other in our decisions. That mean cutting out frivilous spending, like this family was used to seeing before he met me. "I" became the big bad wolf... when really I was just trying to help. No one believed me on half my suggestions, but now that I am closer to a professional designation, and time has passed for us to prove our point, the once stubborn in-laws are beginning to go, "ahhh... maybe that wasn't such a bad idea afterall" and follow suit.
Mrs. Micah | Nov 1, 2007
I think our discussion came up organically--Micah was talking about how he was glad he was getting his student loan check, because he needed it for his car payment. But we only had a rough (and very close) estimate until we were married and I decided to find out the actual sum. I didn't have any debt, which was handy.
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