Keeping Up With the Joneses' Husbands
Posted on September 12, 2007 by Him and tagged joneses
During the last year, our company has employed a lot of new people to keep up with work. Three of these employees are relatively newly married early 30-somethings who are married to men with (presumably) high paying jobs: lawyer, doctor, and financial services guy.
For the most part, interactions with these women are pleasant - after all, I have to work with these people. I do get irritated, though, when I'm caught in between their one-upping each others' lifestyles. It goes a little like this...
Co-worker 1 (CW1): So this weekend I ate at Alinea! Have you even heard of this place? It's really awesome and was SUPER EXPENSIVE...
CW2: Yeah, I ate there a few months ago right after it opened. I did eat at a cool restaurant when I was in New York this weekend. I'll have to go back there when I get back to New York in a few weeks for a shopping trip...
CW3: My husband and I went there before CW2 went there. We're trying to only eat out twice a week since we're house shopping. Oh, and did I tell you...? We got approved for a gazillion dollar mortgage!
I'm pretty sure that my seniority and my title at my company puts me above them in terms of how much their paychecks are. Therefore, I assume that there's no way that they alone could afford their lifestyle themselves and probably depend on their husbands' nice jobs to keep appearances.
I guess whatever they do with their money is their business, but the most annoying part is when they ask me:
Did you eat at ____________? No? How about ________?
(uh, the the average tab per person is $40, and that's without drinks)
We got three plasma TV's in our basement for football season. What kind of TV do you have?
(three? seriously?)
In the past, the old me would have wanted to hurry up and get to that new restaurant or put a TV on a credit card. Admittedly, a large part of me still wants to do that. If anything, Her and I have both learned the value of our money, and if we choose to blow it, we'll blow it on things that matter to us, not things that impress other people.
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suzanne | Sep 12, 2007
Ewwwww! They will be hurting when they become first wives in about 20 years!
The park I go to is full of similar Stepford moms. All they talk about is shopping and house prices. BORING, vapid and tedious. I just laugh and go back to my knitting!
sounds familiar!
isn't it interesting how different workplaces promote different financial lifestyles?
When i worked in a small environmental agency, the chat was all about keeping chickens in the backyard, and the joys of cycling to work. home-made clothes were exclaimed over with delight.
now i work for a big utilities company, there is much discussion of plasma screens and fancy restaurants. oh, and whining about children who never leave home, or how expensive it is to support them through college/divorces/bankrupcy.
i think the median age makes a difference, but i hope i never turn into one of them!
Some people are able to live a jet setting lifestyle where they spend money like it was going out of style. I'd like to get to the that point but unfortunately living a lifestyle thats way beyond your means just translates to a lot of extra debt. It catches up to you eventually.
~Amy~ | Sep 13, 2007
Slightly different conversation, but same idea:
I recently went out with friends, and most of us just graduated from college in May. Which means it's time for first time job comparisons:
Guy1: I just brought home my first paycheck of $$$ this week.
Guy2: Whoa. How many weeks was that for?
Guy1: Two. (pause) Oh yeah, plus my signing bonus.
Guy2: Oh, okay, that makes more sense... I bring home $$$ every two weeks. What kind of benefits are you getting? (et cetera)
At one point I told Guy1 that yeah, I get paid less but my commute is half the time of his, and I'm working about 10 hours less a week than he has to.
Oh, and those guys ended up paying the bar tab all night. Works for me!
Now, if only you could get the Joneses to treat you to dinner...
Countess Markiewicz | Sep 13, 2007
Well, I'd argue the money is just as much theirs as the hubbies'. I earn more than twice what my husband makes, but our cash is definitely ours, not mine. And if the spouses are genuinely big shots, we can't assume that they're not socking away retirement money etc. People with those big pay packages have lots of play money, that's the way it is.
JJ | Sep 13, 2007
I do think it's a little condecending to assume that the only way they're able to afford nice restaurants and plasma tv's is that they have a rich husband. You and her are in debt, so a big chunk of your paycheck goes to paying off past balances (which is very admirable). It's not unreasonable to assume that even though they might make less than you, they have more disposable income because they don't have credit card debt/student loans/etc to make payments on.
Based on your previous posts, you and Her make more money than my fiance and I do, but we are able to go out to nice resturants, take vacations, and continue to put sizable contributions to our savings and retirement each month. This is because I own my car outright, our martgage payment is tax deductible, we have no student loans, and didn't wrack up the credit cards while we were in our early twenties.
Isn't that what you and Her are working towards? To be debt free, so your full salary can go to enjoying some of life's more frivalous pursuits, while contuing to save toward your future? To go to nice restaurants, not because you want to impress people, but because you want to enjoy a good meal with a nice bottle of wine?
After re-reading this article, I knew I would get some flak for my assumptions. I guess the point that I wanted to drive home isn't how they spend their money; as I stated, that's their business.
What DOES drive me up the wall is the incessant bragging, along with their "holier-than-thou" attitude that makes others feel like they're of a lower status because they didn't blow a paycheck on dinner, TV, etc.
I didn't write it in the post, but co-worker #3 has told me on several occasions that she struggled with credit card debt before she got lucky married...now she has three plasma TV's.
devil | Sep 13, 2007
It must be the Mother Hen in me, but I'd find it SO HARD not to say, "Oh, Honey, you wasted all that money on FOOD? It all winds up in the same place anyway."
The real reason this conversation would drive me nuts is that I hate listening to stupid people. I don't care that they're condescending about overspending....hell, I get condescending about saving sometimes. I'm trying to be better about just keeping my mouth shut these days.
Katie | Sep 13, 2007
I told one friend just a few days ago after she described her meal at Alinea and she was telling me we needed to go, "It sounds interesting, but we've just chosen to not spend the money." Her reply, "It was only around a $1000 for 4 people."
I never realized how sexist Him is.
There is nothing wrong with living a nice lifestyle - I assume you and Her live a nicer lifestyle than some people do.
Maybe they started buying real estate in their early twenties - as I did - and now have lots of equity, instead of lots of debt (like you do). Maybe they have always invested their savings and can afford to spend an extra $20 per plate, per person on a meal ("average tab per person is $40") without stressing.
Even if it their husbands are making the large profit or paycheque, the wife may have been a huge part of the husband's success. I know I owe lots of my success to my significant other, and I buy her presents accordingly :)
I know a married couple that is about your age. They drive $400,000 in cars (2 of them), and have a $4 million dollar house. Just because one of them makes $40,000 a year and one makes millions a year does not mean one 'luckily married.'
Livingalmostlarge | Sep 16, 2007
Absolutely can't assume they married lucky. Did I marry lucky then that my DH makes 4x what I make? That I supported him during graduate school making 3x what he made and now it's my turn?
Sorry but no go, it's not like that in a relationship. DH is not more important that I am for making more.
Also I put down most of the DP on our first condo and I paid the mortgage. So that means the house with equity now is more mine? So he owes me right?
WRONG! It's ours. Viewing marriage as a lucky thing is terrible. But I'm sure MANY PEOPLE see me and DH that way just juding me as a gold-digger.
I'm sorry that you think that I'm being sexist - if you've read this blog in full you'd know that I'm all AGAINST sexism. If the genders of the people in my post were switched, I would have titled the post "Keeping Up With The Joneses Wives."
I have the utmost respect for women who are successful. In fact, the president of my company is a woman, and I have some of the best working conditions and benefits I know of.
This wasn't a post about gender, although I can see how that came off. It was more about how these people used money to unnecessarily brag about their status, a status that at least one of them could not have afforded before she was married.
Anyway, if you read my earlier comment, you would have known that the three plasma screen woman struggled with credit card debt before she was married. There was no savings or early investment in real estate there.
Ariella | Sep 17, 2007
I would say that there is a fairly LARGE assumption being made that just because one is a lawyer, one makes a lot of money. I am a lawyer and, from what you've written, I probably make less than you. The salary range for lawyers in PRIVATE PRACTICE (i.e., not in the legal services sector) is anywhere from $35,000 to millions.
You noted above that your "tone" in this post might have come off as condescending -- and you're totally right. My husband and I have no student loan debt, no consumer debt, own a house, take vacations, put money away for retirement and go out for nice dinners. We are STILL able to save -- and we could go out for dinner basically anywhere we want.
From a financial standpoint, we are certainly in a better place than you and Her. I don't judge you because you made financial mistakes earlier in life, but you certainly seem to judge others when you don't have the whole story. If those guys DO make a lot of money, then it stands to reason that they're doing retirement savings and 401(k) contributions -- and they still have money left over for "fun" like three plasma TVs (which I agree is excessive, but for a whole different reason. Read a book; sheesh).
mm | Oct 3, 2007
Our downtown office has both low-paid hourly staff workers and modestly-paid (but subsidized by daddy)"princess" marketing girls marking time until they marry high-earning guys, and a handful of well-paid male senior execs.
The salesgirls have expensive handbags, vacations, and lifestyles. They clearly view their salaries as unimportant to the "larger picture".
The staff people brown-bag their lunches, clearly shop at Target, and don't mingle well with the salesgirls.
The execs live on another planet. One announced to a group of "girls" and "staff" that his wife wouldn't carry a handbag that cost less than $1000 and buys all her clothes at Prada. His comment was met w/stony silence, for once, from both groups, but clearly for different reasons.
Anyways, at my workplace you find yuppies heavily subsidized by daddy, even as the few gray hairs begin to show in their early 30s, and the "lifestyle expectations" are quite high. Mexico in winter. Designer jeans. No student loans to repay. Nice address in Lincoln Park. Beauty appointments. VW convertible. Snooty attitude too! They're often subsidized by their parents even after the wedding, even after 1st child, or 2nd child...
And the "staff" people often struggle on their modest paychecks, living in uncool neighborhoods, hanging out elsewhere, helping their extended families. Their situations are sometimes disheartening.
And those high-fliers?
Few people can truly afford their "millionaire" lifestyle. They've huge credit card bills and struggle to juggle their cash-flow, hoping that daddy can bail them out again, or if not that they'll get another HELO.
It helps to be friends with like-minded people, so that you don't get carried away w/"Jones".
Become a Unitarian.
Mikal | Sep 12, 2007
Many people earning high incomes live paycheck to paycheck. It seems to me that this might be the case here -- they're burning all their spare cash in order to sustain a lifestyle they think they're entitled to. I'd be surprised if they have any savings, and when something goes wrong they're probably going to have a hard time of it.
Read "The Millionaire Next Door" if you haven't already, it has a really interesting discussion of these high-consumption lifestyles.
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