Raise your children to rely on them - Asian Culture And Finances
Posted on May 08, 2007 by Him and tagged culture, parents, relationship
I grew up as the child of two Asian immigrants (I'm not giving up my actual ethnicity for the sake of some anonymity). My parents came to America over 30 years ago, and have been naturalized citizens for a long time. I was born and raised here in the United States, exposed mainly to U.S. culture but being very familiar with the nuances of our particular brand of Asian culture.
One of the beliefs that has been ingrained into my head since a very early age is that it is proper and respectful to somehow pay back my parents for all of the years of work and money that they have put into raising me. My mom would always "joke" that when I grew up and made a lot of money I could then buy my parents nice cars, send them on nice vacations, or buy them nice stuff. When my parents told me those things, I knew it was in a half-joking half-serious manner. I knew that my parents worked hard to raise me, so back when I was a kid I dreamed of paying back my parents in lavish ways. This particular sentiment is not just unique to my family or me or just my brand of Asian culture.
This nuance of Asian culture is expanded upon in this article from the OC Register.
As the children grow older, parents around the dinner table might brag about their son or daughter's successful career, followed by frank discussions of how their children help financially. It is not unusual for adult children in Asian families to contribute money to their parents on a monthly basis to help pay for their parents' mortgages and other living expenses.
That's right - giving back by paying mortgages and other living expenses. Here's a little more:
"It's just expected in our culture...our parents raise us and then we help take care of them now that we have good careers. It's the right thing to do." Monthly checks of $150 or $300 from each child are not uncommon amounts given to parents. Often it's not because the parents are in dire financial straits, but because it's a matter of family duty.
But others don't have the luxury of giving much money to their parents:
"I barely make enough money to cover rent and my student loans...I used to give (my parents) $200 to $300 a month, but it was killing me so I had to stop. They haven't said anything to me but I know they must think I'm a slacker."
And others still give even when they don't have the means:
For a while last year, Mai was laid off from his computer engineer job at Hewlett-Packard and couldn't give his parents a portion of his earnings. Still, he plunked down about $6,000 to buy them a vacation package to China.
In our household, we're figuring out how all of this plays into our financial life. The primary reason for this is that Her is NOT Asian - she's as American and white as you can get. In the way that she was raised, the flow of money generally goes from the older generation to the younger generation. For us, not only is this a financial issue, but also a cultural one as well. While going out to nice dinners and giving nice presents during birthdays and Christmas are the norm for both of us, Her is uneasy with these extra financial cultural obligations and has offered to compromise.
Here are some questions for you, dear readers:
Do you give money to your parents other than for special occasions?
Do they expect (whether it is spoken or not) to be repaid financially for their work as a parent?
What does your significant other think about this cultural repayment plan?
I'm really wanting to hear what Mapgirl, Jim, LaMoneyGuy, and any other Asian personal finance bloggers (or just regular Asians) have to say about this.
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Dude, I had no idea you were Asian. I'm beginning to think that all of the PF bloggers out there are secretly Asian! Did you know that Cap is? Man.
Okay, back on topic. I am 3rd generation Japanese American. I think the culture is different from more recent immigrants, and among Japanese compared to other Asians.
As risk of too much disclosure: my Fiancee's family does not have as much money as mine. I figure that we will be expected to help her folks at some point, and I'm okay with that. My parents make similar "jokes" about helping them, but it is always followed by, "when your Dad retires." He does fairly well, and wouldn't accept cash from us, but does appreciate it when we take them out to dinner or other such gestures.
I'm sure this will change as they get older, and especially when Dad retires, or one of them passes away.
acidspit | May 8, 2007
After having read what you wrote, I guess most asian parents "joke" about the kids helping them out later. It's just been so ingrained in me, having seen it while growing up and seeing it now (my uncle and my mom help out my grandmother) that I've never given it a second thought. Honestly, I dream about the future when I can "pay back" my mom for all the things that she's done for me. Part of the career that I'm chasing is knowing that in the end, I'll be able to provide for my mom and to treat my grandmother the way I'd always hoped to treat her, and that not only includes monthly contributions (?) if need be, but more in line with trips, vacations to fun and exotic places, and shopping without worrying about her budget. Tell me I'm not the only Asian girl who thinks this.
annonymous | May 8, 2007
My fiancee is 1/2 Puerto Rican and 1/2 Italian and his parents were immigrants. There is absolutely an expectation in his family that he take care of his parents. He only had a highschool degree when he was paying his father money on a monthly basis. His father has since passed away and his mother lives with his brother. My fiancee gives her spending money every once in awhile and pays for her cell phone, but I know he would like to do more. As a white girl who grew up in a not-rich and slightly disfunctional family, it surprised me at first. After thinking about it I realized how much I envy the close relationship my fiancee has with his family and I realize that I would like a similar relationship with my children. I know I want to give to my children all that I can and it would be nice to know that one day they will take care of me -I would prefer it only be if I was in a tough spot financially. My fiancee would like to pass this value onto our children as well. -Though, again, for him it is more about what you do for your family when they are in need and less about a statement of how successful your children are.
no name please | May 8, 2007
I am caucasian and would not have any problem with helping out my parents, they have always been there for me and are responsible with their financial and life decisions .. it would be returning what I received. I would have a major issue with helping out my in-laws. I would just be feeding the fire of money misuse/abuse. It is almost embarassing to watch my FIL (who works in finance) get phone calls about missed payments and see my MIL (a realtor) go shopping when we know she hasn't made a sale in quite some time.
Selfish? Probably. But I cannot fathom opening my purse to further support that lifestyle.
John | May 8, 2007
I think my parents, and my wife's dad/stepmom would probably be a little insulted if we tried to do this. They've all done very well at planning for retirement so that we wouldn't have to worry about it. My MIL, on the other hand, has been trying to involuntarily retire herself and leech off of her children for years. She's always had a bit of an entitlement issue. Don't get me wrong - I don't have any problem with kids offering financial appreciation to their parents, but intentionally getting yourself fired and tanking job interviews is just ridiculous. Of course, after we cut off support, she miraculously found enough work to pay the bills and feed herself (quite abundantly).
LAMoneyGuy - In fact, we are all secretly Asian! :)
I know that my boyfriend understands about taking care of both sets of parents in the distant future but we still haven't resolved how we're going to deal with it in the immediate future like when we marry since I currently support my parents.
Generally, I think that the inherent implication is that the expectation is contingent upon your success, for parents who care more about their children than themselves, anyway. Those parents don't want to be a burden to their children, they wouldn't expect a child who is struggling to send them money. It's just a point of pride that a successful child is both successful and remembers his or her roots and acknowledges it in the form of financial support.
However, for those parents who are more concerned for their own welfare, the expectation is contingent on the child's willingness to sacrifice for their parents.
Great comments so far, everyone.
I think I'd like to stay away from the whole "taking care of parents" idea (which is another huge topic itself), and stay with the "giving parents money whether they need it or not" idea.
anonymous | May 8, 2007
I am a 1.5 generation Korean immigrant (most members of my family are naturalized US citizens). My older brother had been giving over his paychecks to my family since he was in high school. My sister used to send money home every month until she became a stay-at-home mom. I send money money to both my mom (monthly) and dad (on "occasions" including b-day, Christmas, new year, Korean new year, Korean Harvest, father's day, the anniversary of my grandfather's death). In fact, this post just reminded me that it's time for my monthly money transfer to my mom.
They don't live lavishly and they pretty much slaved their entire lives to help me get to where I am. In the last year since I have gotten married (husband and I paid for everything) and started being far more serious about financial planning, we've been doing really solidly, even with all the "gifts" going out.
Even when I was barely making rent and school loan payments, I sent money home because I knew they were struggling far more than I was.
My husband (not Korean, but hapa) had a hard time understanding it initially, and I think he had, in the past, seen it as fiscal irresponsibility on my family's part, but he's come to see that they really do live with a very tight budget but that blue collar jobs just don't pay very well.
Thanks for posting on this topic! I've been enjoying this blog for several months now.
beano333 | May 8, 2007
i'm a filipino-american, first generation in the US. my parents are naturalized citizens. i'm so glad i found this article-- feels like i can now explain to my husband (non-asian) why i give my parents money.
it is very much out of respect and graditude for the sacrifices they endured for me and my whole extended family. my parents don't expect it, but they certainly raised me to take care of the family once i was able.
i honestly feel good about helping them financially. i don't give a monthly check, but i do pay for things, such as lawncare, nice family meals, generous birthday/christmas gifts, and soon will be getting my mom a car. i'm very proud that i can do this for them, as well as provide for my new family and save for our future.
I'm Jewish, born in Britain, and Snork Maiden is
Chinese born in PRC. To my mind it would be strange to
give parents money unless they were really short of
it. But of course it is expected to give them
practical help, buy presents etc. As I don't live in
the same country as my mother the main thing I do is
help her manage her investments. My brother and family
live next door to her. Snork Maiden's parents don't
expect her to give them money I think, they want to
give her some still - I think this could also relate
to social class. People in the upper social class in
PRC (her mother teaches college her father an
engineer) probably have attitudes more similar to
western atittudes. I can certainly imagine paying
their way to visit us etc. and if we got very wealthy
maybe we would spend money on them otherwise. It would
still be weird to send cash
nyc-chicago transplant | May 9, 2007
This is interesting stuff. Similar to many of you, my parents were immigrants, and I was the first child born in the US. I actually grew up knowing very little about the family's finances (which probably contributed to some early issues with money), but definitely also got the joking bit from my parents about "taking care of them when they're older" bit.
Never though was the expectation placed on me that I might send money back to my parents once they were older. I wonder if this is because my parents are fairly liberal. I was a little surprised to hear how common this seems to be among other asian americans.
I figure that once my parents are older, they might come live with me (same way my grandmother lived with my family when i was growing up) but nothing more. Even this seems a little shocking for my wife, who is caucasian and has a very different relationship with her family.
no name please | May 9, 2007
OK, so I will rephase my previous comment.
It would be interesting if I grew up in one of the above mentioned asian cultures. My gut tells me that it isn't about how much money my parents/in-laws make, it is how they handle it. I wouldn't have a problem with financially "giving back" to my parents, but as I mentioned before, I would with the in-laws. If their financial track record was different, then I probably wouldn't have an issue with giving back to them. Who knows, though. It is an interesting topic to think about.
avila | May 9, 2007
Like acidspit I dream of helping my parents given all that they have done for me.
nigerian commenter | May 9, 2007
this is a common thing also in africa. we are expected to give back in appreciation for all that was done for you and in some cases, just because. i think my parents kind of expect it but don't harp on it and appreciate it whenever we do stuff for them, no matter how little. i deposit some money monthly into an account for my mom and buy stuff for my dad occassionally. still, they are willing to shell out money, especially if the child is struggling. my husband is also nigerian so we do think about the future of us eventually taking care of 2 generations. very interesting post. keep it up.
Hazygrey | May 9, 2007
I'm Korean and though I'm in the US, my parents live in Korea. I'm financially comfortable (hhold income well into 6 figures) but my mother still will pay for my meals when we go out. I feel bad when this happens because I was also raised with the idea that good kids, when they're adults, take care of their parents and not vice versa. But not necessarily when your parents are better off then you are, and that's the situation in my case.
The interesting thing is, I've also given significant cash gifts to my parents and in-laws when tradition dictates (eg. 60th birthday), but then a few months later, the money will come back to me for various reasons.
Do you give money to your parents other than for special occasions?
No - I don't give money even if it is for special occasions. We try to focus on getting them meaningful gifts or treats that they normally wouldn't get for themselves. Def. NO CASH!
Do they expect (whether it is spoken or not) to be repaid financially for their work as a parent?
Absolutely NOT. Although, I have to admit taking my Dad on a fantastic vacations with his future grandchildren is one of my top 100 things to do. Only because I know that he wouldn't do this for himself. Not for lack of money, but to put it towards savings, and dare I say my upcoming wedding...
What does your significant other think about this cultural repayment plan?
Honestly, I have never heard of such a thing. My fiancé and I are white Canadians and have never heard of this before other then a few East Indian friends commenting on sending money "back home" to their parents to help them pay for immigrating into Canada.
I have to say I kinda feel bad for you guys having that type of pressure. I guess I always thought I would "take care" of my elderly father so he wouldn't have to spend so much time in a nursing home, etc - but NEVER financially. Yikes! (As always JMHO!)
I'm Native American and figure when the time comes, I will be taking care of my parents. We've given my Mom money before, a large ($1K) chunk and that's happened probably twice over the past six or so years. It isn't expected of my husband or I to give our parents money though. My parents both have very good jobs and don't need it.
One interesting thing is that my brothers are given money from my parents semi-regularly, and I'm sure when the time comes to take care of my parents, it will be left up to my husband and I because we will be the only ones who would be able to afford it.
I have friends that are Mexican and they regularly send money home to his parents, regardless of their own struggles. They help pay for events and such as well, which I don't understand. Paying bills is one thing, paying for parties is another. Great post.
Oh I just read about sticking to giving parents money just because - the money we've given my Mom was just because money. We have no problem giving them money as long as we can afford it. I think it's different in my case since my parents do quite well on their own and don't have the expectation to get money from their kids - at least now, while they are relatively young and still of working age. :)
i like to help my parents because at this age they are helpless. so help your parents but dont overspend which push you to borrow or take debts.
clovestar | May 9, 2007
I'm Taiwanese American and have no problem helping out my parents financially. They worked hard to put my younger sibling and I through college and it's only fair to pay some of that back. It's definitely common (and expected) in Asian culture for children to give money on a regular basis to parents. And when I was growing up, my dad used to joke about waiting for me to buy him a Mercedes Benz, etc. Unfortunately, I don't have that much money to buy my parents such lavish gifts but if I did, I would.
Jessica | May 9, 2007
I'm glad I read this post, because I had never heard of such a thing. My parents would never dream of asking me for money, or expecting me to take care of them. If anything, they have continued to make sure that they will leave enough money for my brother and me when they're gone.
And we never give cash in our family - only presents. I think my dad would laugh at me if I tried to slip him some money. Probably because he knows what I make, and he knows what he makes, and it would just be silly for me to try to give him money. I'm still waiting for him to stop giving me gas money when I go visit. And I'm a professional nearing my 30's.
boy howdy! i wish i had read this before i got married. ;-)
i'm white american and my husband is japanese. my parents are divorced and i've always worried about what would happen to my mom when she got older. knowing that in asian families it's common for children to take care of the parents later in life is one reason that i leaned towards dating asian people. (that and the fact that i was living in japan...)
but i didn't know all of this!
we had our first big money/parent issue over our wedding. my mother was planning on paying $5000 towards the wedding. i didn't expect money from his parents because i knew that it would be costly for them to travel from japan to ny for the wedding. then i found out that his family expected us to pay for them to come to the wedding! i didn't know what to think. we cancelled the "big wedding" because we couldn't afford this and opted for a "just us" elvis wedding in vegas.
my mom ended up giving us the money she would have spent on the wedding as a wedding present. and it's not like my mom is rich. she's a single mother. we lived in a trailer park growing up. the only reason she has some extra money now is because she lives with her boyfriend and he takes care of mortgage (while she pays the other bills).
his parents eventually gave us $500. but a few weeks before they gave us this money, we were having a celebretory dinner and his mother kepts saying that her wedding present to us was that she paid for my husbands upbringing. i was a bit offended. i mean, i seriously didn't care whether they gave us a present or not. but all i could think was "what? like my mother didn't pay those things for me?"
occasionally my husband will mention things about paying for his family to visit us in hawaii or something. but he doesn't even think about my mom. i don't like htat.
anyway, i fully expected the "taking care of parents" part, but i didn't know about the other expectations of paying for extras. i'm really glad i came across this post and learned about this. sometimes we have cultural differences that neither of us thinks to explain or ask about.
Sri | May 10, 2007
It is pretty common in India. sometimes it is to show appreciation for what parents have done for children but many times children are much better off than their parents and children would like their parents to have the a similar standrad of living. I have seen cases where it is voluntary and where parents kind of force it on their children. In my case both parents and inlaws are doing financially okay. but the expectation is that if there is a need then we will need to support them and my wife and i will have no issues with it.
tam | May 10, 2007
I totally agree with the post. I'm Singaporean Chinese. Even though, I'm still studying, (my parents are paying for my education), I would still give like $50 when I take on part-time jobs.
It's more of a token appreciation for the effort my parents put to raising me, the actual value of the money is not the issue, since they are obviously more than capable of taking care of themselves and me. I'm still 20.
mary | May 10, 2007
I am white and many generations American, but both of my parents cared for their parents when they were old by visiting daily, cooking meals, keeping them in their homes as long as possible, and visiting the nursing home daily once it was at the end of their lives. It has never been discussed, but I think I will be expected to do the same thing for them, which I have no problem with. Financially, my parents and I have a deal about splitting the cost of my student loans, so they give me a check every month - I keep trying to tell them we can call it even, but I think it is a matter of pride for them.
It's not just China. I grew up in Israel where it's quite common and expected that older parents will come live with their children after a certain age. They're not seen as a burden but as a welcome addition to the household. The parents help with household activities and help take care of children and grandkids.
jeez | May 10, 2007
I am Asian and have only lived here for a decade and my parents live out of the US.
Like many others have noted, my parents don't expect it but culturally - its expected.
Considering that in most (not all) families in the US, children start fending for themselves right from high school; there may not be much of an urge to give back. Plus the society is so individualistic here.
Most Asian families, parents support goes way beyond that, my parents even helped me out in grad school. If it was not for their support I would not have a successful career.
Cultures and circumstances always mold a person's thinking. Without going into debt, it would be fine to give back to parents regardless of your background really.
Great topic !! Even in US now the "sandwich-ed" generation has to deal with supporting 2 generations at once.
IRA | May 10, 2007
I'm Asian-American as well. Born overseas, came to the U.S. when I was 2 years old. Typical immigrant experience. We struggled to make ends meet. My parents were frugal yet generous in countless ways. Sent money home to my grandparents, tithed and gave regularly to our church, and paid for my college education. Yes, they joked about how they're successful daughter would one day provide them with a very comfortable retirement. Admittedly, they were disappointed when I decided to change careers. And on at least two occasions, my mom casually commented on the fact that my aunts received monthly checks from my cousins. But when I offered to give them money, they always declined. So I'm guessing that as long as I appear to be ready and willing to pay for things, they're happy. In my situation, it's less about the money and more about the symbolic gesture that signifies my honor, gratitude and respect for them. But I've also demonstrated that I'm willing to follow through on things. So, it's not just an empty gesture. At times, I've bought them large presents, such as a new refrigerator and a new computer. But when they do accept large gifts, it's usually at my insistence, not theirs. Right now, I'm debating whether to help them buy a new car.
Hm. My comment from a few days ago got lost... Basically, I'll be posting more elaborately about this subject later.
Meanwhile, I'll be admiring the new windows on my mom's house this weekend, which I paid for with my bonus money this year.
Jess | May 11, 2007
I'm white and this whole thing kind of intrigues me. I've just recently realized how little retirement savings my parents have, as of now (my mom is 46, my dad is nearly 50...my mom will have a pension but my dad is self-employed so he has next to nothing). I'm a bit worried about that but it's not expected that it will be my problem, quite frankly. I'd rather they didn't become destitute but I don't know if I'll be financially well-off enough in 20 years to offer any significant financial support to them. Part of me feels guilty because they paid for 4 years at an expensive private school for me and I've graduated with not a dime of debt. It's not that my parents are bad with money (quite the contrary, they saved a $50K down payment on a home in 3 years on a single $35K income when I was young and they pay $25K-30K out of pocket for school when they make a bit over $100K gross, combined) but they never adequately planned. I'm hoping that I can encourage them to do so, now. It's late in the game but better late than never.
But in general, in my family, the flow goes from older generation to younger. My grandparents are very comfortable in their retirement and give generous gifts to their children and grandchildren as well as have a very active life. My parents pay for their children's educations and also give gifts. The gifts that flow the other way tend to be tokens where the thought counts more than the value.
traineeinvestor | May 11, 2007
As one half of an mixed race couple, I have on occasion been a little surprised at the way different cultures view the issue of financial payments between generations. My wife had the good sense to make me aware of her family obligations well before we became engaged. I have no issue with this.
It's not just Asians almost every culture do this but Americans !
My husband is non american and he says children is like the parents retirement. They depend on their children as a retirement fund.
Asians are not the only culture practice this, It is common because most countries do not have social security.
Almost all fellow Asians I know intend to (or already) give back to their parents. My question is: When do you start?
jay | May 14, 2007
@WH: Almost all fellow Asians I know intend to (or already) give back to their parents. My question is: When do you start?
*** *** ***
You're supposed to start when you receive your first paycheck and you are no longer a full-time student.
Trackback sent from The Finance Journey on May 15, 2007:
There is a lot of interesting talk going around the PF community about giving money to your parents once you are established in your career. Here are some more detailed recent posts I have read: Him at Make Love, Not Debt Mapgirl at Mapgirl...
Continue reading Would You Give Your Parents Money?
c | May 15, 2007
Although I am a white american, there is a strong tradition on my father's side of the family of children supporting their parents as their parents age. I'm not sure whether it would include giving money even if the parents were well off and didn't need it, since that's not a situation that I've seen come up, but my parents bought my grandparents a house and are very involved in their lives - and I very much think about how to do the same when my parents get older. I do not currently give them cash, however.
In contrast, my boyfriend is Indian, and he gives money to his family now, even though they are middle class and doing fine (he has done this since his second year of graduate school, saving it off of his stipend). We have talked a significant amount about what will happen when we marry - the plan is very much that we will continue to give money to his family (or, if at some point they stop accepting it, we will put it into an account that is for them and only them, such that if they develop health problems or there is some emergency we know we will be able to handle it). For us, this is a very important balancing point to the fact that we live much nearer to my family. I know that it will be very hard as both of our sets of parents age for us to live so far from his family (still in India) and so much nearer to mine, and I feel like making sacrifices so that we can at the very least contribute financially to his family is the least that I can do.
Jay: I disagree. I had a mountain of loans when I graduated and I didn't give my parents fancy dinners out until I truly felt I could afford it, 2-3 years after college when I was still saddled with debt. In fact for the first year after graduation, they were still giving me gifts of cash when I went home to visit.
Eventually I had to move back in with my parents and didn't really take them out again till I was back on my feet. The serious cash gifts only started when I started making serious money 2 years after getting a downpayment on my condo from them as a gift.
It's all relative to the family, I think, which I think the discussion proves. Every family is different.
Livingalmostlarge | May 15, 2007
Recently since DH finished grad school we've been paying for a lot of things. We started in grad school but not as much, now we make a lot, but honestly we have a lot of bills. But it's still expected we pay for stuff so we do. But what our parents don't know is part of the reason we're being so thrifty is we're saving for homes for both sets. So I guess we're basically shooting ourselves in our feet. I grew up with my grandmother living in our second home, so I don't know any better. I also would feel awful if my parents or in-laws couldn't afford it. So I guess to savings we will go.
MsKim | May 15, 2007
Parents expecting their children to support them in their later years is really quite common. Many countries do not have social security, socialized medicine, and other "safety net" prgrams so their "social security" is their children thus it behoves them to push their kids (towards education, business success, etc) and instill a sense of duty to their family in order to have a secure future for them as well as the rest of the family. Overall it make good social and financial sense.
I am finding out that one of my American children can be quite selfish. After 30 years of 'giving' to her, I can expect no feed back. When I get old, I'm going to get put inside a retirement home faster than you can say "hey mom, can you loan me some money".
D | May 18, 2007
My boyfriend's parents are Asian and I'm white-American. Last week we were discussing how much money he should give to his parents when he visits them next month. This week, my parents were visiting and gave me an unexpected (and unnecessary) financial gift. I would never think of giving my parents money unless they needed it. He would never think of accepting money from his parents unless he needed it. It struck me as ironic and as a good illustration of the cultural differences concerning parent-child relationships and financial support.
I am a white American but some of these disbelieving comments boggle my mind. My mom supported me through college even though it ate into her retirement savings. This means I owe her. Period.
Dre | May 24, 2007
I'm white, just married a wonderful Vietnamese girl and, as expected, the intergenerational flow of money is opposite in the two families. That being said, her parents got on a boat with her mom pregnant, were rescued by the coast guard, spent time in a refugee camp, came to the US with nothing so that she could have the opportunity to be financially successful in a free country. I wouldn't dream of saying we didn't owe them. The only thing that gives me pause is how bad they are at managing their finances, so we try to give token gifts while setting money aside to take care of them later.
Elaine | May 28, 2007
How interesting that I came across an article with a subject that hits home with me and causing me to wake up in the middle of the night troubled. I'm a first generation Asian American(oath ceremoney in 4 days) who came to America alone and placed myself through college. I don't provide financially to my father monthly as much as I wanted to. I do send home money every few months. Being a new graduate with my own finances to sort and not to mention an upcoming wedding makes it difficult for me to send money home monthly.
For a while now, I kinda get the sensation that my dad is not happy where he is but had tried to keep it from me so that he doesn't burden me.
Last night I received a troubling email from my father that he needed help. He commented that he is at his last wits. At this time I feel like a horrible daughter since I am actually weighing the issue of it affecting my relationship with my fiancee who is a Caucasian American who sees it as a baggage. I should not even think twice but to act immediately. I do not expect my fiancee to adopt my culture as this would not be fair but the decision to either bring my Dad over to America or send money home will affect him as well since we're getting married. I find myself having to brainstorm what I can do to help my Dad without affecting my relationship. The issue I'm facing is not as much as sending money home, but my Dad's request to come to America to live and it's affecting my relationship with my fiancee. My Dad has this misconception that it is a much easier lifestyle over here. ( I think my Dad watches way too much TV) He believes he can find a job here on his own. Either way, I find it hard to ignore my dad's pleas. My Fiancee and I both know what this means..whether my dad is able to get a job on his own or not, it will change our lifestyle. For me, it's a given yes, I will absolutely help my dad. As for my fiancee, he thinks the cultural repayment plan stinks. A few years ago, I probably would have told my fiancee to take a hike. Since this is the man I chose to live the rest of my life with, I have to take into consideration of his cultural background. I have decided to acccept my fiancee's own cultural beliefs and not impose on him to take it as his own, although secretly I wished he would be more accomodating. It's a matter of choice and acceptance, I guess.
I'm a white american and my mom doesn't expect me to care for her when she's older. However, I'm realistic enough to know that I will have to based on her financial situation. For that reason, I'm making long-term plans that can involve her. She would have a hard time just accepting cash, but I plan to start a business where she can live/work for several months out of the year and use the money she "earns" to travel for the other part of the year. It would be nice to not have to support her, but it's just not possible.
pf101
scottb | Jun 15, 2007
I grew up here (in the midwest), white, and have the opposite problem. My parents, never that well-off, are retired, collecting pensions and SS, and running way in the black with no kids or housing expenses (paid off). My sister and I, both making plenty of money, suddenly started getting large xmas and birthday presents - a couple k$ per year. There's no way we need this, and we've both tried to discourage this, but the money keeps coming. I think they regret the fact that they didn't have more money when we were growing up. And I know they don't want to be dependent on us. So, I've made my peace with it, try to simply put most of it in our kids' college funds, and figure the tide will turn when they are older and start having health problems...
I think, oddly enough, I'd like to do something similar for my kids - when they are at a point in their lives where they are successful, responsible adults (hoping that does happen of course) to let them have extra money they don't really need. Not a life-changing amount, but something to give them a cushion, or some funny money. When I'm old, I expect to not need as much money, and not leave a huge estate...
Scottb- Your parents are doing that to draw down the future inheritance taxes you will have to pay on their estate. That's why it's a couple thousand a year, say like $10 or 11K, which is when you or they would have to start paying taxes on the cash gifts they make.
Him- I'm re-reading because I'm about to post another item on filial piety at the request of another Asian-American PF blogger.
eag | Oct 26, 2007
Very interesting reading. I was going through all the responses and a common thing that seemed to stand out. Those who have seen their parents supporting/taking care of their grandparents seem to expect to do the same happily!
Sakiko | Oct 7, 2008
The problem is that Asian cultures (Japanese, Chinese, Korean, etc) believe that they give birth to children and it is their children's right to give them money when they grow up or else they won't inherit anything. This is so wrong. When children are born, they don't know what their obligations are.
I have the same delima. I am part Japanese and Chinese American (3rd Generation) from California. Yes, I do agree with the blog: my parents still brag among their friends how successful their daughter is - working in a nice investment firm job in NYC, nice car, nice condo with a nice Caucasian husband, 2 kids, blah, blah. However, I have not given them any money since I left home for college. (I did give them some money when I was working part-time in high school). If I have not saved enough money for retirement, how can I give them money for monthly money? Besides, I don't even live in my parents home.
I have 2 sisters who brag that they each give their parents $300 per month and $1,000 per month respectively. They gang up on me to tell my parents that I'm a bad daughter and I think this is unfair. Of coure I will help my parents if they are in need but I will not give them money every month just for the sake of the tradition. Because of this, I shy away from most family dinners and get togethers.
I make $200,000 per year in salary, living and working in Manhattan with a husband and 2 kids. It may sound like a lot of money to you all but $200,000 is not a lot of money if you live in Manhattan where the cost of living is so sky high. At the end of the month, I don't even have enough money to save or to put away in my T Rose Price mutal funds account. This is the truth. Filial piety today in United States have gone out of hand in the Asian parents community. I am pretty sure my parents' friends in Chinatown have been ganging up on me.
Peter Locke | Oct 7, 2008
A friend e-mailed me this link today and I totally agree to what is said here. Asian grown-up kids shouldn't feel obligated to give parents money when they grow up. I'm Chinese American and I feel that all too much that parents expect too much from their children. I didn't ask to be born in the first place you know. Besides, this is America, we all have freedoms and rights. If I knew what to be expected of me, I'd rather not have been born, put me back in the womb! In all honesty, I'd rather be Caucasian so I do not have this responsiblity to give my mom and dad money every month and make me broke. It's bad enough that I don't take vacations, I don't even have enough money in my bank account or retirement account to retire. I know this works in Asia but hey America is a different country and Asian parents should know that better.
felixa | Oct 7, 2008
I think it's funny people think it's so specifically Asian. I started paying back in to my family as soon as i started to work - first paycheck. I was 15 and working alongside high school. I have been paying in ever since - younger siblings and parents. Nobody thinks that is odd - we are English, normal family. I encourage them to get jobs also - have encouraged my parents to earn more in retirement, because they were bored not working also. I think that is why we are a strong family that helps each other, and we are all doing well. I do not have to pay in during periods when I am not doing so well financially. It is like insurance except more reliable. You have to be strict and clear about the conditions.
Kevin | Dec 14, 2008
The topic is not: Will you help your parents when they enter old age, but my answer to that would be YES.
The topic is: Am I OK paying parents a monthly check? The answer is a strong NO. This is a struggle I am having right now with my wife. Her father has required a payment each month that is 5% of our combined salary. I am not ok with this, being that my job is in the public sector and does not pay nearly as well as it should. We are young and newly married (we had discussed this before the marriage and it was explained to me that the payments would end, but they have not). 5% of our combined salary (over 10% of my wifes own salary) prevents us from doing certain things. We are financially responsible except one glaring problem, we have no savings. If one of us were to lose our job, we could make one months payments and that is it. That 5% that goes out the door each month could go into a savings account.
With the prospect of having our own family with multiple children, it makes me sick to my stomach to think about our money flying out of our door past our child's room and into her fathers pocket-book.
I am not OK with this concept of paying parents at all. My parents would never expect this, they would never ask for this, and they would never take our money. One day, they may/will need our help, and I will help them by any means they need/want. But monthly payments... never.
Ishtar | Jan 16, 2009
This is also big in my culture. But I've drifted away from it these last 8 or 9 years...
I think it'd be good to talk to my parents -- mom, dad and step-dad -- to find out what their expectations are.
jim | May 8, 2007
Right now I don't send money home, my parents don't expect money for being a parent, and my fiancee accepts that one day I'll care for my parents (and hers perhaps, she's not Asian); I've started a post to expand more on these but I thought I'd leave a comment and share the quick answers now. :)
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