Money Discussions Still Uncomfortable
Posted on March 28, 2007 by Her and tagged relationship
I can tell when something is bothering Him. Him gets all quiet and skulky, and last week Him had been skulky for over a week. Uh-oh. I finally pried out the problem: Money and Us. Yikes.
Turns out I have been spending my allowance, plus some of our joint account money, on stuff that I thought was "for our house." In Him's opinion, that stuff was more "for Her's house." Stuff like a vase, a kitchen grater, etc. Yeah, it is stuff for the house, but I'm the only one who is ever going to use them!
Him reminded me that I should use my allowance for stuff that only I want. We both talked about how the allowance can sometimes suck, because it seems we never have enough money to buy ourselves anything nice. The allowance basically covers a few lunches with co-workers or drinks with friends, but certainly not a nice piece of clothing or an electronic gadget. We're both frustrated. At the same time, we don't want to increase our allowances because we're focusing on saving for the wedding right now. During our conversation, our emotions boiled over and it was hard to work things out.
I was surprised that after all this time, we still have difficulty talking about money. It is a skill we will be working on forever, I guess.
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I think that your purchases were legitimate "house" purchases, but then again, I'm a gal who cooks and decorates too, so I see the value in those items.
As for fighting about money, it's always an ongoing issue. My husband and I are very open with each other, but every now and then, we have our differences. After all, you are two different people, and always will be!
BD | Mar 28, 2007
I say any purchase that goes toward joint dinners comes out of joint funds. Now maybe Him has a point about the vase, but only if you already have a couple of the freebies that come when someone sends you flowers.
Sarah | Mar 28, 2007
Kmg has a point. Do you need to discuss what comes out of the house budget? Are you saving up for something in particular, or does the money just sit there? If it's just sitting there, then I think it is acceptable to buy home improvement items. Men and women tend to have different ideas as to what constitutes a home improvement. Women = interior decorating Men = tools, gadgets, etc. Ok, so that is a broad generalization, but there is a difference about how you view certain budget categories. At least you are able to talk about it. Skulking for a week before discussing is a lot better than skulking for 30 years.
Keep at it. You two are different and have different money views. Life would be boring if we were all the same.
Her: I just wanted to leave a short note of encouragement, based on your last two lines.
Don't give up! It's a slow process, but if you don't give up, eventually you *will* find a balance that will work for both of you. The better half and I have opposite opinions about money management, but we have kinda reached a peaceful state now (link above points to a post about what eventually worked for us). Good luck, for reaching your comfort zone sooner rather than later!
I'm guessing it wasn't so much WHAT was purchased, but that you were the one that got to choose the exact item, buy it, and spend the money. The only time I could see either of those purchases being a problem is if you already have them. I also agree with kmg.
JAson | Mar 28, 2007
As a male who is living with (and has combined finances with) my fiance, I would have to say that a lot of this discussion could be regarding value and quality of these items. I know my fiance and I often argue over the purchase of household items because while she thinks we need a $40 gadget, I think a $10 one will suffice. It's a matter of each person having different priorities
JT | Mar 28, 2007
If groceries are joint (and thus meals are joint), cooking utinsels are joint. As are cleaning supplies/laundry baskets, etc. We don't fuss about that stuff, but decorating items are up for discussion if they're over a certain price.
Hightower | Mar 28, 2007
How much exactly was the cheese grater? I believe you can get a plain old cheese grater for maybe a couple of bucks. As far as the vase, I completely agree with him.
My wife and I are still debating what is considered required and not-required household items. But, it hasn't prevented us from reducing our debt a little more each pay period. I've gotten to the point where as long as we are making progress I won't sweat it.
I can see how Him would be annoyed at a vase (even though I think they're necessary) and there can be issues over quality / cost of items required (like a grater).
Is there maybe a compromise in that if you want the purchase upgraded the upgrade funds come out of your allowance?
Or is the problem that more to do with permission. Can you just go and buy stuff out of the joint part of the budget individually? Would having a wishlist help? So that you'd both know what was planned to be bought (eventually) with that part of the budget.
cli | Mar 29, 2007
I agree that the validity of Him's being upset depends on how much money was spent on the cheese grater and vase. However, I do think that a cheese grater is a household item and should come out of a household budget, not a personal allowance. My main issue with this post is that Him sulked about these seemingly insignificant purchases for over a week. Granted I don't know how Her defines sulking but I imagine a two year old with a scowl on his face and his lower lip jutting out. Sulking in a relationship is childish and does nothing but create more tension and build up more anger. If Him had a problem with the purchases he should have said so as soon as he learned about these items and asked Her about their validity as household items. Communication is always key.
The cost for the vase was under $10. The grater was a nice microplane one that cost $16. We already owned two other vases, but no other graters. The problem wasn't just these two purchases, but the culmination of similar purchases over the past few months. If I had asked Him about it beforehand, Him probably wouldn't have had a problem with it. I understand now that it just isn't cool for me to fritter away our money on "girly household" stuff without discussing it with Him.
Theresa | Mar 29, 2007
I won't comment on the cheese grater controversary but I think it is great that you guys are TALKING about the differences. So many people do not have these converastions. I am sure you will hash out a balance.
autologic | Mar 29, 2007
What I find very telling in your post is not that you find that the imposed financial restrictions are putting a strain on your relationship. But rather the reason you give for these restrictions is 'saving for our wedding.' I will never understand the desre to sacrifice so much for so long to pay for a one day party. How many years of financial sacrifice are you both willing to endure simply to pay for that dream wedding? I'm all about living within your means, paying off debt, and saving money for the future/rainy day but why torture yourselves so much for something that is short lived and could be done for much less?
Given the his/her allowances vs. joint, I'm dying to know: What about essentials personal items that are not really "joint" purchases. Does her have to buy feminine hygiene products out of her allowance? What about, say, food products that only one of you eats?
amanda | Mar 30, 2007
hmmm... seems to me that if you two are getting married soon, that is a great opportunity to get house stuff as gifts. might be a time to start postponing buying that kind of stuff until after you see what you get from the friends & family for the wedding.
The nesting instinct will kill your finances. As long as you're spending time and energy reading Martha Stewart Living, watching home improvement shows, or "window shopping" at Williams & Sonoma--you're going to be constantly struggling with trying to keep up your lifestyle. My advice is to stop collecting crap, and be content with what you have. Desire is the root of your problems, and desire leads to consumption, and consumption leads to being a wage slave for life. Stop letting your possessions own you!
Finance Guide 101 | Apr 2, 2007
Well there will be problems with the money all the time not only with you but also everyone. It’s a big issue but not that big to think about the relationship. There are people in the world who get depress when they don't have money and will become normal once they get it. But you better think twice before buying anything because you said you bought some things, which you already have.
Tanya | Jan 17, 2008
1) My husband and I just put ourselves on a budget to start preparing to have a baby. So far, it sucks - and it's been 17 days :) But I am getting used to it. This post brings up a good point for us - I don't know if a cheese grater would come out of my personal budget or the household budget.
2) We had our dream wedding and made many personal financial sacrifices to help pay for it (his father made for a large chunk, too) and we do not regret it for one second. It was exactly what we wanted and I watch the video at least once a month because I loved that day. We are SO GLAD we ignored people who told us we'd regret the expenditure involved or that we should elope. A decision like what kind of a wedding to have is very personal - kind of like the decision to have a baby, to buy a house, etc. Good luck with your decision, and I hope you both love your wedding as much as we loved ours :)
kmg | Mar 28, 2007
I would not be cool with that assessment of what comes out of the house fund. Maybe so on the vase, or similar, purely decorative items. But I know in my house I do a lot of the cooking, and if my dude were to tell me that a grater I'd purchased for the purpose of making my life easier when I grate cheese for his dinner is really a personal expense because he didn't want it, well, we'd have some things to talk about. Just like if I were to try to tell my guy, who is responsible for doing our laundry, that the drying rack he'd bought was really a personal expense because I think he should keep hanging our drying items over various doors and pieces of furniture, I'm sure he'd have some observations to share with me. I think as long as it doesn't throw the house fund into a tizzy, each person should have the authority to make unilateral purchasing decisions within their own sphere of household chores.
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