Book Review: Shacking Up (4 Stars)
Posted on June 28, 2006 by Her and tagged cohabitation, relationship, reviews
We shacked up a year ago, but not before I read Shacking Up: The Smart Girl's Guide to Living in Sin Without Getting Burned, by Stacy and Wynne Whitman. I have to give it four stars for tackling complicated legal, financial and emotional issues and still being fun to read. It's written for women, but it works just as well for men. I made Him read it, although he refused to do so in public. Shacking Up devotes an entire chapter to Money Matters, outlining the basic financial steps cohabitants should undertake before moving in together. Here's a summary of what the book recommends, and what we did in real life.
1. Discuss the meaning of Money. Talk about whether you are a spender or a saver and how you feel about money. What are your financial goals and fears? How are you alike and how are you different? What could be a potential source of conflict for you as a couple? We also talked about our values, and created a value-based financial plan for ourselves.
2. Lay Your Dinero on the Table. Get a clear, complete picture of your own financial situation, then share and compare. It's essential to be honest about debt here. Order credit reports together to make sure you haven't missed anything. You don't need to disclose any long-term assets that won't affect your ability to pay the household bills, such as an inheritance from grandma. (You will need to share this information when you commit to marriage, however.) This was the hardest part for us. Her cried over huge amounts of debt, Him disclosed some ugly interest rates, and in the end we were better for it, I promise.
3. Decide Who Pays What. There are two options: split everything 50/50 or allocate responsibility based on earning power. Whatever you choose, make sure you are comfortable with the agreement. Money is power, so be sure you feel like equals. We ignored their advice and picked a third option: Combine all our money except our "allowances" and distribute expenses and savings from the joint account.
4. Create Budgets. They don't recommend combining all your money, so instead of one budget you'll have to make three: His, Hers and Theirs. This helps clarify what you've agreed on in step 3 and ensures you'll never be overdrawn. We created an initial budget to determine how much we could afford to pay for housing etc, but do not maintain a regular monthly budget.
5. Put Everything In Writing. This makes it official and protects you if things don't work out. Plus, experts say that people who write down their goals more often achieve them. This works for money goals too. We created cohabitation agreements, which we (thankfully) have never had to use.
Shacking Up is clear that they don't recommend combining all your money, for a variety of reasons. They grudgingly suggest a joint account for joint living expenses only, with both parties retaining a personal account for all other expenses. They also warn against opening any joint credit cards.
The only fault I can find with this book is that Shacking up recommends that just one person be the designated financial manager, a move we completely disagree with. We think it's much better when both people are co-managers of the money and make all decisions and bill payments together. We do this regularly, in our State of The Union addresses. We also pay the bills together every weekend.
The chapter ends with some good long-term financial planning tips for couples, such as plan for the future, set goals, be honest, build a cash reserve, pay off debt aggressively, save for the future (separately!), trim fat from the budget, and keep the dialogue open. Nothing new here, but solid information for everyone. If you're considering shacking up, read Shacking Up first.
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Arnie | Jan 2, 2007
This is the most ridiculous article. If you're going to go to all this trouble (what was outlined was marriage preparation steps), why not just get married? Guys are already afraid of commitment & marriage (they love shacking up b/c it's convenient), and now you're going to even scare them out of living in sin, too with all this heavy $$ money talk?!
Ironically, this article hurts--not help the cause.
Marie | Jan 15, 2007
While I don't believe the article to be ridiculous, I would think that marriage would be easier, unless this is just your way of taking baby steps to marriage.
If not, you could do what my friends did. 1) He was leaving the country for 3 months on business and wanted her to be able to handle the bills, etc. 2) They were bound and determined to pay cash for a wedding and having a wedding ahead of time meant accruing debt. And 3) some family members were saving diligently in order to be able to attend their wedding and would be hurt to be left out.
So they eloped without telling anyone! Of course, they were emotionally ready to get married. But they "got married" in a nice ceremony much later and everyone was happy. Only a few ever knew the truth. Budgets were adhered to, the couple's needs were met, and family was glad to attend. It worked for them anyway.
Great Blog!
Becca | Jun 28, 2006
I haven't read Shacking Up, but I'd highly recommend "Unmarried to Each Other", as another great book for sorting out many of the practicalities of entering a long-term cohabiting relationship. It is written both for people who are cohabiting as a prelude to marriage, and for those who intend to stay together without marrying.
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