Wedding Budget Panic: We've lost $10,000
Posted on April 27, 2006 by Her and tagged afford, budget, gifts, wedding
EDIT:
We know you'd love to just jump right in and leave a scathing comment, but please read our responses to this post as well. Thanks.
Read His response.
Read Her clarification and response.
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This week our wedding budget suffered a huge blow. My parents reduced the amount they are offering to pay for our wedding from $10,000 to....zero. To be fair, my parents never actually promised us the $10,000. When we got engaged, I told my mom that I would like her to tell us how much they would be willing to contribute by April 15. Between then and now she has repeatedly said she would like to give us $10,000 but that she and my father were having trouble agreeing on an amount. April 15 came and went with no mention of the money. So a few days later I called my mom and reminded her that we will need to know exactly how much they can give us and when, so we can accurately plan our wedding budget. She seemed to have forgotten all about the April 15 deadline and sounded a little put off by the request. Still, she promised to give me an answer soon.
On Sunday night, she called. She sounded more chipper than usual and made some small talk before announcing that she and my father had decided on their wedding contribution. Then things started to take a turn downhill. She began by stating some facts:
They are 70 and 72 years old. They are still working, and cannot stop working because they do not have much money saved for retirement (I do not know how much but it isn't more than $50,000). Their health is failing and they are afraid they will be forced from their jobs. They have borrowed the full amount available from their home equity loan (not for any sort of emergency, but for Christmas gifts and the like) and they will have to make monthly payments of $1500 for two years in order to pay off that debt. They have no money set aside for our wedding. And they cannot give us any money for the wedding.
Part of me feels abandoned. They have made bad financial decisions their entire lives, and did not plan for their retirement or our wedding. I feel like if they cared about me, they would have saved some money for our wedding. My mom even had the nerve to suggest we should elope. How could she so easily say she doesn't care if she's at our wedding?
Part of me feels angry. How can they be surprised that I would expect them to help pay for our wedding? We've only been out of college for two years and are already burdened with $1000 a month payments for the student loans my parents forced me to take out (because they saved nothing for college, either). I'm angry that my mom kept hinting at a large gift, than cheerily told me we'd be getting nothing.
Part of me feels relieved. I am aware of their financial situation and know that they really cannot afford to help us. This is probably the first financially responsible decision they have ever made. I foresee that I will be expected to care for them when they run out of money, so this thrift will help delay their dependence on me.
Most of all, I feel panicked. The typical wedding costs around $25,000 and I don't see how we can do it for much less, especially in Chicago. Of course there are ways to cut costs, but it takes a lot of cutting to halve the budget. We have $4,000 saved up for down payments and a quarter of that will go to reserve the church. That doesn't leave much for reserving the reception hall and everything else. We both agree we do not want to take on any more debt to pay for the wedding, and estimate we can save up around $15,000 ourselves if we try very very hard.
On the phone with my mom, I couldn't help but cry. I didn't want to say anything I would regret so I told her I had to go. Then she heard me crying and sounded shocked. "You expected us to pay for your wedding?" she exclaimed. I told her again that I needed to go and I hung up. I have not called her back yet. I don't know what to say to her. I'm just so hurt.
Any suggestions from our readers would be appreciated.
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I was lucky enough to have my parents pay for almost all of the wedding, from my best guesses, it was done with under $15,000, for EVERYTHING ever wedding related paid by all parties (we did not pay for any guests travel or lodging).
The biggest thing, of course is the guest list. We invited over 170 people and our final tally was about 105. Your Mileage May Vary. We held it at a country club and did brunch instead of dinner, saving at least $25 a plate (plus, brunch is my favorite meal!). Also, we were able to do the ceremony right there at the club, and it was only a few extra hundred to rent the gazebo. We were able to use the centerpieces as outdoor decoration, and then they just moved them inside for the reception, so we didn't have the extra expense of additional decor.
You could save a lot of money by having the ceremony and the reception at the same location. Are you Catholic? Do you have to get married in a church? $1000 seems like a lot for a ceremony site.
What about Him's parents?
You'll probably have to do some heavy re-evaluating, giving up the wedding of your dreams to have a beautiful wedding you can afford.
I understand where you're coming from in your disappointment over your parents financial decisions. Last week I asked my dad if he was set for retirement. He was curious why I was asking, and I told him it was because I was scared I was going to have to take care of my new mother-in-law a few years down the road. I'm not sure how I feel about that with my husband and me still trying to get ourselves on the right track.
Well, good luck, save hard, and don't be upset with your mother for too long.
Sue | Apr 27, 2006
I think that you are right to be angry, but you are also correct to recognize that it's better for your parents, in the long run, if they do not fulfill their promise. Seriously, this is all for the best. And everyone gets furious at their parents during their wedding planning. I was barely speaking to mine. Also, you can definitely throw a great wedding for under $15k, even in a major city (I got married in NYC last year -- 80 guests for about $10k).
By far, the biggest expense you'll probably have is the space. In our case, food/space ate up about 80% of the budget, even though we got a great deal. So, find a free space in a park, or book your favorite dinner-only restaurant on a quiet Saturday afternoon. Ask a friend to get ordained online and perform the ceremony, if you are up for it. Then splurge on the things that matter most to you. Everything else will fall into place.
nitin | Apr 27, 2006
With 86k in income (net of taxes, hopefully?) and net of 96k in debt hole, it is insanity to spend 25k on a wedding! Thats nearly a third of your entire year's income! Even 15k is insanity! Have a civil wedding or elope or whatever. Fulfill your wish for a "proper wedding" on your 10th wedding anniversary, by which time a "typical wedding" would cost 50k but you will be able to, hopefully, afford it.
Follow your own blog title as a big wedding seems more destined to make debt, not love.
Dan E. | Apr 27, 2006
I see a them to your blog, and I see it in our generation to a large degree. It is the sense of things being owed to us, entitlement if you will. You are missing some of your key points....
"Our wedding" "My student loans" "forced me to take out student loans" "I want a $25,000 wedding"
Whatever happened about saving for it on your own? No one made you take out student loans...get a job, earn scholarships, or go to a cheaper school. I am 29...almost debt free except for the house, married, a child. Are there things I want, that I cannot afford right now....you betcha. Do we (my wife and I) expect any help from our parents...nope....are we expecting any inheritance...nope. We will take any help that we get, but it will be gravy on the icing :)
Grow Up, a wedding isn't about how much debt you put yourself or your parents into. If you are worried about that, in my opinion, you are not ready for marriage. Sorry for being tough, but some things just need to be said.
Cheap weddings can be fun! A potluck, a party at someone's house, nice dresses that really can be worn again, homemade invitations, having friends take pictures with their digital cameras... it might even be more fun for the guests than a conventional more expensive wedding.
Anon E. Mouse | Apr 27, 2006
When my wife and I got married, we were in your same situation. Right out of college, with a lot of debt. We had no reason to expect our parents to pay for our wedding.
One of the best financial decisions we ever made was to keep our wedding affordable. We spent a total of about $7000, including the honeymoon. It was a relatively small affair (about 40 people) and we took care of everything ourselves (picking up the cake, taking flowers to the church, etc...). We had a friend take pictures and reimbursed him for the film. Our wedding album looks much less staged than that of friends who hired a pro.
The extra $10000, or $15000, or $20000 that you're thinking of spending on your wedding will not make the day any more special. But the financial hangover will last for years, and years, and years.
I'm trying real hard not to lecture you on your sense of entitlement. I'd be ashamed to accept money from my parents if they were in the situation your parents are in. Look at it this way; if you pay for your wedding, you can make all the decisions yourselves without feeling obligated to take others' unsolicited advice. And stop reading bridal magazines.
Tee | Apr 27, 2006
I can understand your position but believe that your parents have done their best and have given all they can. Now it is up to you! The best thing to do is to have a wedding that is within your budget and not plan somehing that you cannot afford. You do not need more debt to do this.
Sabrina | Apr 27, 2006
We got married, last October, for under $15K. Granted that was in the north suburbs, but it can be done. Probably not downtown, maybe not in the city, but it can be done. We paid for all of it, our parents aren't as elderly, but they were equally unable to assist. This may sound harsh, but your parents aren't obligated to pay for your wedding. You're an adult, you can pay for it yourself. The good news is, if they aren't paying for it, they aren't picking stuff out. No pay, no say. I know you guys joined the Chittie Lounge, you need to come on over and get some advice, the gals there can really help you out. :)
Major | Apr 27, 2006
When it comes to the wedding, there is only one thing that truly matters - and that is the outcome. Everything else is extra.
Several people have given good suggestions. My wife and I are rapidly approaching our 10th anniversary. Want to know how many times we have looked at our wedding album in the last 8 years? Twice. I don't know many people who ever...seriously not even once... watch the video. I will say a good photographer is worth their weight in gold. But give one of your friends a camcorder and save a bunch of money.
Flowers - talk with the florist. See if they will give you a break on the flowers if they can be donated to local hospital/hospice after the ceremony. Our florist cut the price by 40% for that.
Just remember that it is your day. Enjoy it. And don't stay angry with your parents. it's not worth it, and they might not be around much longer.
Your situation reminds me of my own. My husband's parents had passed away and mine contributed nothing to our wedding, so he had to pay for it himself (I, like you, was just out of college with no savings). We did a somewhat low-cost but beautiful wedding for $17,000, and that included the engagement ring, wedding bands, honeymoon, and new bed. 2 1/2 years later we JUST NOW finished paying that off. In retrospect, there was so much tension with my family on the wedding day because of their lack of financial support that I wish now that we had just eloped and saved ourselves the money. I hated the wedding, I love the marriage.
Michael | Apr 27, 2006
Honestly, the most personal and meaningful weddings that I have been to have also been the cheapest. Allow friends and family to participate, if they are willing - they know you better than anyone that you could pay.
Hilary | Apr 27, 2006
I completely understand wanting the wedding of your dreams. When my husband and I got married (about a year and a half ago) his parents (who make LOTS of money - seriously) said we could borrow as much as we wanted and we could pay them back. Now, I did not go crazy, but we had a fairly average priced wedding, in all borrowing around $10,000 from them -- they actually just signed for the bill from the country club, because they were the member. Imagine our shock when, a week later (on Christmas Eve, no less!), we got an email from his dad asking for a check to reimburse him. So, we had to empty our savings account and pay him. Immediately. That made me 100 times more mad than if they had just said they didn't want to pay for anything in the first place. At least you know up front :-) Also, as much as I loved my wedding, it goes by so fast, that I think you should seriously think about eloping now (maybe down in the carolinas -- super pretty!) and having a huge fun party when you get back, but really casual so it will be less expensive, WAY less stressful, and you can do more yourself. Plus, being alone, or just the few people that really want to be there, on the day you get married, would be super special and you would remember it forever.
Kim L. | Apr 27, 2006
I think you need to look at this as it's own gift. If your mom had given you the money, you would have gone forward with the $25,000 wedding. I HUGE amount of money to just get married. I know it's an incredibly special day and you want it to be just what you want. Try and step back though and think long term. In 5 years, are you going to be happier being better off financially or because your wedding was big? Having been married for coming on 7 years now, I can say that spending less would have been better.
I can understand you being hurt right now because your dream wedding has to change, and that sucks sometimes. Try and use this to your advantage though and take the advice from the other people who have already responded. Use this time to start making some mature and adult decisions about the rest of your life. Weddings are wonderful, but it's the act of marriage and friends and family being with you that make it wonderful, not the delicious cake, beautiful flowers and huge church and hall.
Good luck. I hope you can make this one of your best decisions when you look back on it.
Theresa | Apr 27, 2006
If your parents do not have enough money for your retirement in their seventies then they do not have enough money to buy everyone you know a chicken dinner. Look at this as one of their best financial decisions- sayng "no" when they truly needed to.
Your parents don't "owe" you a wedding or a dollar amount.
I won't go off on the place weddings have in our society but I will say that 25K weddings have little to do with the reality of being married.
Call your mom and tell her you love her. You should not let money come between your relationship with your parents.
I think everyone's said what I'd probably offer for advice. Food and # of guests are usually the most expensive items, so keep your guest list low and have a dry wedding at lunchtime. But keep the champagne toast!
The only other real piece of advice I can offer is to have a long engagement. Is there any way to wait an extra year, or have your wedding in the off-season? That way you could save more money on costs and sock away more cash?
I think my cousin had about 50 guests at her wedding. Most of our extended family lives in Korea and she didn't invite any of them to keep the list low. She had a light buffet and hors d'oeuvres. One attendant each, a plain white satin dress, a dark suit on the groom. She was lucky to score the Presidio Chapel in SF through her very Catholic mother, which is a tiny space anyway. The flowers there were from the previous wedding, held there about 2 hours before and were going to be used again for the wedding after hers. I know her folks didn't give her anything but grief for the wedding and in the end most of the cost was the reception. I don't think they bothered with favors. I remember taking some of the centerpiece flowers at the restaurant instead.
Good luck! It's making your love lasts that really counts.
Christiana | Apr 27, 2006
I had a fairly nice wedding for much less than "the average american wedding." If you drop the booze or limit it strongly and don't go crazy with an over priced dress (you'll only wear it once, do you need to spend a fortune?)... There's a lot you can do. My suggestion is to pick 1 or 2 elements of the wedding that mean the most (for me it was flowers and pictures) and you spend on that and scrimp everywhere else. Ultimately, it's all about you and your husband and the rest doesn't matter.
One benefit of not having your mother pay for it is that when she makes outrageous or annoying suggestions you can simply say "no" and be done with it. My mother lorded it over me for ages that she was contributing her time to making my wedding nice (she helped financially, but not a lot) and went so far as to tell me "it isn't YOUR wedding, it's everybody's wedding."
May you have a wonderful wedding and be happy for a very long time.
Heather | Apr 27, 2006
I came across your website a week or so and have enjoyd reading your entries. I think everyone above has offered great advice. I just wanted to add my fiance and I are getting married in Vegas to actually save money. We don't want a huge church wedding so it works perfectly for us. We're getting married and having our reception in a suite at the Alladin Casino ($600) and getting a cake from their catering department ($250). We're having an officiant come to us to marry us in the suite ($200). We're bringing in our own alcohol from Costco to save money. Flowers will probably be from Albertson's. My point is you can have a cheaper wedding, you just have to change your perspective. I think a cheaper, more meaningful wedding is better than any Chicago frou frou wedding any day.
Anne | Apr 27, 2006
I am sorry, I can't really feel sorry for you. Aren't you living together, aren't you capable, working people. At this point in your lives, you shouldn't be expecting your parents to be paying for your wedding.
I really hope everything works out.
Catrijn | Apr 27, 2006
Take a deep breath - just because the average goob spends $25,000 on a wedding doesn't mean you need that much to have a beautiful, wonderful day. My parents originally promised us $10,000, but when we decided to have the ceremony in the city where both of us have lived for years and all our friends are, instead of near them where I grew up, they asked us to drop it to $7-8000 so they could have a second reception near them. We had zero additional money of our own (under-employed and in some debt). End result? A practically perfect wedding for about $7400 - 65 people at a morning wedding and lunch/afternoon reception. Mom had another afternoon reception for 100+ people, and I'm pretty sure it was under $4000. All of these were in very nice venues in midsize cities.
You (and Him) need to spend a while really thinking and talking about what exactly you need in order to have the day you want. I'd always kind of dreamed about horse-drawn carriages and string quartets, but when I stopped to think about it, those things weren't nearly as important as being with family and friends, a beatiful dress, and giving my guests a good time. It turns out I didn't miss them, either. I found that I don't actually care that much about transportation, and a pipe organ suits me at least as well if not better.
The book Bridal Bargains and theknot.com forums were both helpful to me in keeping costs down. The former for general ideas, the latter for local vendor recommendations.
Specific things we did. An afternoon instead of evening reception probably cut reception costs by half. Having it off-season (mid-March) also helped - we had more options because things didn't get booked up. My mom insisted on looking at hotel ballrooms for the reception - I assumed they'd be too expensive. Turns out they were quite competitive with the other options we'd considered, and they were the most willing to work with us to accomodate our constraints. Bonus: room credit and no worrying about transportation after the reception. Ordering my dress from Pearl's Place rather than the saloon cut the cost by 40%. We designed our own invitations and printed them at Kinko's (weigh carefully to avoid extra postage). We totally skipped decorating the church except for a few flower arrangements and an aisle runner - it was plenty pretty enough as is. No favors (at least I can't remember any). One attendant each (bonus: my sister could pick a dress that she liked, and we only needed one - and we got it on clearance in the formalwear section of a department store). Men's Wearhouse rents tuxes more affordably than most dedicated formalwear rental places. We hired a business chauffeur service rather than renting a limo (and only to get the two of us from the church to the reception). We had limited beer and wine (but no liqour) at the reception - reduced open bar costs. Buffet rather than table service for the meal. We went with a photographer who was just starting his own business, and the fee only included the negatives. We didn't buy albums and prints until 6 months later when we could afford it. There's probably tons of other stuff we did, but this is getting awfully long.
annab | Apr 27, 2006
It is disappointing when a parent makes a promise and doesn't keep it. But it sounds like your mom made a promise that she wanted to keep, but then realized that she couldn't do so. It would have been better if she had thought it out more fully before she told you she could help you, but sometimes our hearts make the decisions when we should have used our heads. But it is better that she didn't incur this debt, if she really can't afford it.
So now, what to do? Maybe reevaluate exactly what you want the wedding to be like. It may be better financially to do a small wedding now, and then have a big anniversary party next year. Maybe have something small, just immediate family and friends and then have a small reception at a restaurant. It saves you the hassle of planning and the expense. Another option is the potluck, but that takes a fair amount of coordination, and that's a lot to ask of your guests. I think maybe just keep it small, to reduce your costs.
25k is a lot of money for a party. You could use it for a down payment on a house. It's more $$ than I take home in a year...I just don't see the justification in spending this kind of money unless you are really wealthy. I mean for 25k in cash, you could so many things that are more meaningful. You could stay home with your baby, you could travel the world, you could pay for a college education, you could start a business. If you are in debt at all, it's just pure folly. I truly believe in the long term the stability of your finances will have a far greater impact on your marriage than the fanciness of your wedding. Reducing your debt overall can do that.
Give your mom a call. But consider why you are hurt, and whether or not your expectations of her were as unreasonable as her promise. You knew that she couldn't afford it, but you wished she could provide this for you. I think she felt the exact same way. But in my opinion, at your ages, the truth is that you shouldn't be financially dependent on your parents anymore. They shouldn't even be a consideration. So it's useful not to equate $$ spent with the amount of love between them and you. This sounds terrible, but I'm glad they couldn't do this for you, because I strongly believe the best thing a parent can do for a child is to prepare her to take care of her own needs, financially and emotionally. Part of that is the ability to differentiate between needs, wants and balance that with ability and appropriateness of action.
Good luck -- your wedding will be beatiful, because of who you are. Not because of what you spent.
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. I got married two and a half years ago, and the nightmares of planning, etc. haven't been forgotten yet.
I know there are plenty of folks here who aren't very sympathetic, but I am--less because you guys think you're entitled, but more because you were led to believe one thing, sort of depended on it, and ended up having the rug pulled out from under you. Yes, you're grownups and are capable of saving yourselves, but that doesn't change the disappointment you must feel. It does feel weird to take money from parents, though (even parents who are better able to afford an expense like this than yours are), so maybe that's some small solace.
So, look: You guys have quite an audience here, with many folks who have been there, and done that on the wedding front. Why don't you let us know what you had planned, what kind of vibe you wanted, how many people, etc and we'll see what we can all do to help once we put our heads together? I mean, I can suggest some inexpensive wines and cocktails, and donate a couple dozen tealight candle holders left over from our wedding (and hell, there's a very expensive wedding dress in our closet sitting in a box, and I'm sure we're not the only ones). I'm also sure there are others out there who might know your city well and could suggest an inexpensive location or florist or something. I mean, it just takes one person to say "oh, I love your blog, I'm the general manager of a restaurant in Chicago, I'd be happy to cut you a deal." With all of the inspiration and insight that you guys have provided us, I'm sure I'm not the only one who's willing to help.
If you look back on your wedding as one of the best days in your life, are you really living your life the way you want? I look back on yesterday more fondly then I do my wedding.
You don't spend time with the people you enjoy spending time with at your wedding, you spend all your time putting on the show.
Maybe you need to look for a more non traditional solution to your problem. We had a cruise wedding, and the wedding cost about $5k iirc. But you could have a traditional wedding and just dump the traditional reception.
We got married in 1990, and our total cost was around $1,500. We had a nice wedding ceremony, invited friends over to our house for the reception, and got her dress from Dillards.
You can do it for just a little bit of money, and still have memories that will last a lifetime.
We have friends that spent a bunch on theirs (8 bridesmaids, etc) and right now they are in the process of losing their house to the bank. They started out with debts from the git-go, and have never been able to catch up.
It's better to have an inexpensive wedding and spend money later on a second honeymoon or something. Maybe on your 20th anniversary.
Charles | Apr 27, 2006
I don't want to get mean, but your parents don't really "owe" you anything. You are an adult. If your parents aren't able to contribute to your dream wedding, then it is ultimately your responsibility to pay for it yourself.
I also question your logic. You are fully aware that your elderly parents can't afford to help you out. They are in their 70's, can't afford to retire, are mortgaged up to their eyeballs, and you want them to give you $10K? If someone told you this story, you would probably wonder what kind of person could logically view the situation as you have. I'm sure that you are just upset because you see the vision of your perfect wedding fading away. However, it makes you look like a spoiled child that wants what she wants and doesn't really care about the position it places her parents in.
Reread what you have written and then imagine if you were in your parents' shoes. Would you want your daughter to say what you have just said?
c | Apr 27, 2006
While I think it totally sucks that your mom led you to believe you'd be getting $10K to go toward your wedding, I think your entitlement attitude is really sad. You say you were forced to take student loans? Actually, you made a choice to go to college and get an education that would provide you with the opportunity to make more $ over your lifetime. That opportunity came at a cost, but no one forced you to do it.
I also think it's sad that you'd expect your parents who are in a bad financial situation to make that situation worse by providing you with $10K for something that will last one day. If you don't want to end up in their shoes, maybe you should re-think the $25K wedding.
So many people plan and invest hugely in their wedding, when in reality they should be putting that effort into planning their marraige. The wedding lasts 1 day. Why would you want to spend that large of a chunk of money to put on a show? While I understand that it's "your" day, you seem to be a little too focused on the material.
Just my $.02
Wedding Counselor | Apr 27, 2006
It's nearly all been said already, but I just had to respond. I began reading your blog and identifying with your situation, because just a year ago I was in the EXACT situation you are in now. I love my parents and have a wonderful relationship with them, but I too had to deal with unfulfilled wedding $$ promises. It was hard, but my husband and I chose not to let it ruin our relationships and to go out on our own and throw the best wedding we could afford - unfortunately, our eyes were bigger than our wallet.
Don't get me wrong, we had a phenomenal wedding. I'll remember it forever, we did everything we wanted to do, including a lavish honeymoon, but we're now $25,000 in debt and it will be 2 years before we've finally paid it all off. Was it worth it? I ask myself that every day and ultimately (for my own sanity) I have to say yes. If only for that it brought me to a new career - Wedding Coordinator. As a result of our ordeal - planning a wedding on our own in a major city (Washington DC) - I realized what a need there was for an affordable wedding consultant that for a small price could help guide a couple through the ups and downs of planning the wedding of their dreams - big or small. Many of my clients describe my services as "wedding counseling" as it lets them vent about the family issues and find practical and affordable solutions to any wedding related problem.
I'd love to work with you on your wedding and provide any advice I can. I love your blog and so identify with your situation. I have no doubt you'll be happier in the long run if you forgive your family for whatever stress this may be causing you now and begin thinking of how to achieve what you want without spending a fortune. Please let me know how I can help!!!
Ms_Leo | Apr 27, 2006
Thanks for sharing your story and being so honest with the blog world. I am single and don't have plans to marry anytime soon but I often think about stashing money away for my "future" wedding. I have no expectations that any family member will pay or even chip in on my said wedding. I've always imagined an all inclusive, destination wedding to streamline guests and bundle in the ceremony and honeymoon. If that's not possible, then I'd go to the courthouse to make it official and then have a celebration later that's more like a cookout or reunion.
My concern is not for you but your parents. At their age $50,000 doesn't go far and they still have to work :-(. It's sad that they made poor decisions, but think about how you Mom felt breaking this news. I'm sure she's dissappointed as well but this is the reality. Would you like them to throw $10K at you and ultimately have to come live with you and your husband? Probably not.
I hope you pray long and hard, call Mom, consult with Him and have a fiscally responsible, happy and memorable wedding.
no name | Apr 27, 2006
I think you need to take a step back and look at what is happening. You need to take ownership of your situation, rather than blaming your parents for your student loan debt, and now the wedding issues.
Own your decisions and take responsibility for the outcome.
~a friend
RP | Apr 27, 2006
First off, the bait and switch from the parents is bad. I have a friend whose dad did that to her, and it was really painful to her. It wasn't about the money, it was about the lying and leading her on.
You can certainly get married in Chicago for under $25K. We spent $5K in 2000, and most of that was getting the yummiest food possible for the brunch afterwards and because we got married on a Sunday.
We got married and had a brunch reception at the Promontory Point fieldhouse - Chicago Park District rentals were well under $500 6 years ago, and this included off-duty cops as bouncers/security. A Cook County judge had a beautiful ceremony for us for $200. We had drinks and loads of food (poached salmon, even!) and chocolate cake for the 50 people who attended. We didn't have a DJ or flowers or a photographer or videographer - we bought some disposable cameras for the guests and walked around and chatted with folks during the meal.
Even years after this, people have gone out of their way to compliment us on the wedding and repeatedly said how much they enjoyed it. Now, they could be shining me on, but I don't get these sorts of compliments on my web site or my garden (darn it! it was my husband who planned the wedding). Our goal was to keep our guests happy and not spend ourselves into debt, and it worked. And we're just as married as someone who spent $100 or $75K.
MD | Apr 27, 2006
I don't understand why you'd expect your parents to pay for your wedding. You are an adult, and as such you should start taking responsibilty for your life.
Funnily enough, Promontory Point was our first choice. But the Army Corps of Engineers is going to be doing seawall reclamation work during the summer of and summer after ur wedding, and the Point will be closed during that time. :(
MP | Apr 27, 2006
It takes guts to share your honest, raw feelings the way you have so that demands some praise. Having said that, I honestly don't feel that your parents owe you anything. They weren't required to pay for your college and they're not required to pay for your wedding. I was a little surprised that you'd expect $10K from them considering their age (and that they haven't yet retired).
We were married back in '95 for under $3000 and people still compliment us on our unique, creative, personal ceremony & reception. Looking back, I probably could have managed it for $2000 but I made some poor choices. Anyway, I just wanted to reassure you that if you're flexible and don't feel entitled to a certain type of wedding, you can still have a day that you'll cherish (and without having to financially drain your own budget or that of your elderly parents). (There's also a book on Amazon.com called Cheap Ways to Tie the Knot: How to Plan a Church Wedding for Less Than $5,000.)
RP | Apr 27, 2006
Bummer about PP not being available! I would definitely look around for other Chicago Park District (or heck, some of the suburban park districts) options because it was way more affordable than anything else we looked at. I was blown away about how expensive the Winter Garden at the Harold Washington Library was, and the Newberry quote about made me faint.
Trackback sent from MY BRAIN IS MADE OF THINGS MADE OF GOLD on Apr 27, 2006:
Just in case you're ever looking at the map of Aaron, trying to find the boundary of my sympathies, I'll save you the cartography classes and mark it with a big X:[My parents] are 70 and 72 years old. They
Continue reading When Nothing Is Too Much
Chelee | Apr 27, 2006
I can understand how you'd be hurt by the leading on of your parents. And I agree, they don't owe you anything (wedding/college etc.). My parents told us from a young age we were responsible for own college and weddings etc.. I can see how being promised something then having them yank it away would be hurtful. But that has all been said to death. You do need to call her back and make amends asap if for the only fact that they're really old.
My dh and I got married for $600 in Las Vegas. It was the best thing we ever did. We rarely look at our photos or watch our video(maybe watched it once with the kids). I actually finally sent the dress to Goodwill a year ago when my daughter said there was no way she'd be interested in wearing it.
25K or $600, it doesn't change the end result. We are married and have been for nearly 16yrs. Maybe having been married for so long, it puts things in perspective.
You'll get through this and what an adventure it will have been(-:
I am truly inspired. I never knew that I should expect my parents to pay for my wedding! That's such exciting news, I'm gonna start planning NOW!
Amanda | Apr 27, 2006
The $25k average is concocted by the wedding industry to make you think you need to spend more money. Do not go into more debt for this wedding. Depending on your location and guest list, you can do a LOT for under $10k. Get the book Bridal Bargains and browse the Knot forums for ideas.
Your parents not giving you money could be considered a setback, but it is also a challenge for you and your future spouse to get your finances straight before your wedding. Good luck.
Kate | Apr 27, 2006
If your parents DID come up with the $10K, from various loans, overtime at work, etc., how could you SLEEP at night? Seriously, knowing that you have decades to make money and secure your retirement while your parents would spend the remainder of their lives paying off your Party Debt. You should have a wedding when YOU can pay for it. (By the way, there's a difference between "getting married" and "having a wedding." The former doesn't cost you $10,000.)
I completely understand your point of view - your mom 'promised' you the cash and then took it back.
And you know what? Call me a spoiled brat if you will, but I get you with the other stuff too! The difference is that my folks are well-off due to smart money related decisions throughout and so can easily help out. Coming from Australia where kids don't move out straight from high school, I'm only moving out now at 25 and I know that I'm 'on my own' now. But they helped out with college and my first car (it was second hand) and I know they'll help out with the wedding. But I try not to expect it.
On the wedding front, there are definitely ways to minimise costs - a friend of mine kept her costs down by hiring out a restaurant instead of a hall and having her ceremony in a lovely park. She paid about AUD$10 000 and it was lovely.
Good luck :)
Mandy
Let's just say that I know a few preachers. I know a ton of them, and many of them would gladly perform you wedding for just a few dollars, if not for free, if you told them about your situation. As for the church fee, if you are not "attached" to your particular church, you could probably find a quaint little church a bit out of the way that would be glad to let you use their sanctuary for free or for very little. If you are a member of a church, you might let the pastor know your situation, and he/she might cut you some serious slack. They should, anyway. As for the other costs...there really not worth it. Trust me, I've been married for almost 10 years, and when we look back on the money we "wasted"...ugh...
Just have a simple, nice wedding, with a little cake and punch, and then head off into your life together. 5K MAX! This should be a happy time. Marriage is NOT about the wedding...it's about the marriage.
The way I interpreted your writing, you soundd very spoiled and have put the blame squarely on your parents when it is the person in the mirror you should be looking at. I hope I read incorrectly but you need to grow up and take responsibility for this yourself.
cindy | Apr 28, 2006
My husband and I got married on April Fools Day 21 years ago. We were engaged but didn't tell anyone when we were getting married. We flew out to Las Vegas and got married at a little chapel. We mailed our announcements from there. Two months later we had a fantastic party for everyone at a relative's beautiful home.
Please don't be upset with your parents and try to forgive them for not saving money for you. I hope you can come up with a much more frugal wedding plan than spending $10K. There are better ways to spend that amount of money.
SA | Apr 28, 2006
I know most girls dream of having a perfect wedding their whole lives, especially thanks to books and movies... but the reality is, it is CRAZY to spend that much money for just one day. Those weddings are only for the people who are fortunate enough to have that much disposable income sitting around and unfortunately, that isn't you right now. So now you just need to decide whether it's that important to have a huge party. Personally, I'd rather spend the money to elope and have one awesome honeymoon than spend thousands of dollars so my distant relatives can eat and drink on my dime...
I have been to a bunch of weddings in the last few years (from the lavish to the super on-the-cheap), and the truth is (and I know this is hard to really accept), no one really cares about any of the expensive details except for the bride and maybe her mother. It is sooooooo not worth going into debt for. Especially when most people won't be able to tell if you printed your invitations yourself at Kinko's or paid $18 apiece, and whether you paid thousands of dollars for elaborate flowers, or ordered them online and put them into arrangements yourself for $200. There are definitely ways to have a real wedding for way less than $25K without even sacrificing the best things, if you do your research.
I think once anybody asks for any advice, suggestion we all join the bandwagon and thats that mode I am in now :).
Does every girl have wedding dreams? Want a big wedding? Very true. We all dream of that.Falling for the same dream, I made the mistake of spending more than I could afford for my wedding and ended up in a huge debt. Life after marriage shouldn't be about how to pay off your marriage expenses. Though you would be angry at this point you will feel much better down the line.
Good Luck to both of you.
MikeK | Apr 28, 2006
There a lot of responsible people on this blog with good advice. But let me ask you a question: "What are you working for?" There are just a handful of occasions in life that are truly important and worth spending the savings for. I think your wedding is one of those. It may feel a bit irresponsible in a PF blog, but I think you should borrow and spend the money to get a wedding you will be happy with. Money will be tight regardless of the budget, but do it in such a way so that you have no regrets. You will have plenty of time later to pay back the debt, but you will remember your wedding for a long time. My wife has lots of regrets over our wedding. If I were to do it all over again, I would have taken out a loan to pay for the few extra niceties. Great memories of the wedding will make the loan payments easier to pay off.
I also dream of a big fancy wedding for $100K (ridiculous, no?) I have been to big weddings with multi-course dinners and I have been to a small wedding on the beach with appetizers and the best wedding cake I've ever had. (it couldn't have cost more than 2K) I enjoyed the small wedding just as much, if not more because I was wearing more casual clothes. I realize my 100K fantasy has more to do with my idea of magazine perfection than anything else. I think if I find the right guy I would just be happy to marry him and be with him and not care so much about the weddings details.
Anyways, I'm saving for my own wedding. I'm glad that I went to that small wedding because it helped me realize that what's important is celebrating the special day with loved ones, not the flowers or favors or dress.
I think the prom craze has become like a mini-wedding craze, with girls going to the spa several weeks in a row to prepare, expensive dresses and hairstyles, helicopters or limosines to arrive in, and expensive dinners and pictures. I didn't go all-out for prom, but I spent plenty ($300+) and I can tell you it was not worth it. I would have had just as much fun in a cheap dress and eating at a cheaper restaurant (probably more, because then I wouldn't be thinking, "I spent $300+ for this?")
Now that I think about it, I'd rather spend a lot of the money that would have gone towards a fancy wedding for a round-the-world trip after the wedding.
anna | Apr 28, 2006
my dad gave me $25,000 for my wedding.
my marriage lasted 11 months.
i left him.
so, my advice?
the wedding isn't the important thing, it's the marriage.
if i ever get married again, i'll do it at the courthouse for $20 and go out for a fabulous dinner after. i'll pay for it myself. i'll do it for love. and i'll probably even wear pants.
if and when you can get past your disappointment, try to think about the whole point of this blog: to make love, not debt.
yours or anyone else's.
good luck!
Cathy | Apr 28, 2006
You've been beaten up enough your your sense of entitlement, so I won't mention that.
But I agree with a poster way above- TELL US WHAT YOU WERE PLANNING with your 25K wedding- maybe the frual folk here can help you acheive that for a lot less.
I had a 150 person wedding, with a reception that had a professional cake, open bar, and delicious food for 6,000 dollars. It can be done, but you are going to have to decide what parts are really important to you, and give up the ones that are not important to you.
(hugs)
I'm going to take a leap and say that most of the people that are telling you that you don't have a right to be mad have never gone through the situation themselves. Even if they were able to pay for their own wedding, did their parents pay for most of their college degree? Are their parents expecting them to take care of them when they get older? Are they expected to make up for their parent's bad financial skills? I'm done ranting...
There are a lot of ways to make up for that extra $10,000 though and not sacrifice too much dream. Print your own invitations, make your own party favors, etc. There are a lot of blogs out there about people who have had wonderful but frugal weddings. I suggest you take this as a challenge to create a great wedding even without that money. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming... ^_^
Miserly Bastard | Apr 28, 2006
I'm writing without the benefit of having reviewed the other comments. Let me be blunt: Get over it.
Your parents are old, financially insecure, and in failing health. Paying for your wedding should be the last thing on their mind. Frankly, I'm appalled that you would even ask. But my intention is not to moralize.
Here's some practical advice. Forget about the wedding. Get a license from city hall. Invite your friends and family who are in town. Go to Walgreens and buy a $10 disposable camera. Go the Justice of the Peace. Get married.
You clearly dont have the money for a "real" wedding. Does it suck that you can't live out your girlhood fantasy? Yes. Will it suck even more for you to cripple your future net worth and financial security, just for the benefit of living out a childhood fantasy? Yes.
If you spend more than $200 getting married, I think you're making a mistake.
Chelee | Apr 28, 2006
I just came accross a pf blog that is talking about her frugal wedding.
John | Apr 28, 2006
As I sat here reading through the comments, I wondered if you were surprised with the general response of your readers. I have to tell you that I do agree with most of what's been said in the comments. You have to own this. Your parents aren't even in the financial condition to help themselves, let alone you. Try to remember this is just one day of your entire lives and stay true to the title of your blog. Make love, Not Debt. Your post seemed to have this exactly backwards. Financing one day of activities just isn't a good idea. Be creative. The $4K you have already saved is enough for many people to have an entire wedding. Here's what we did:
Married in a church: $500
Reception at a hall: $2000
Ring: $1250
Dress: Handed down from a relative (which made it more special)
The love we have for each other: Priceless
Your relationship with your future husband and all of your family is far more important than a $25K wedding. Don't let yourself get caught up in the materialism and pressures of our society.
Andrea | Apr 28, 2006
An unfulfilled promise sucks. It may even make it harder for you trust that person that lets you down. I understand your frustration. You've probably had it with comments, so I will keep it short.
I agree with someone above who said: Stop looking at bridal magazines! Those were my downfall. I was fortunate enough for my parents to pay for our wedding. (Dad is very moneywise and has a good job.) However, they set a cap ($12,000) to the amount, BUT then told us that whatever we spent under that was ours as a gift. I shake my head at myself when I realize that incredible generosity. We went on to spend almost the full amount ($1200 short) on a very unnecessarily beautiful wedding. I got bargins in a few things, but mostly splurged.
Unfortunately, I didn't learn how cruicial finances are until I was married. We had student loans, 2 auto loans, mortgage, and a young small business already in debt. Looking back, I would have done so much less. Fewer attendents, less elaborate catering, etc. Your very different situation reminds me of ours. You have the chance to "make" (save) money, or the chance to splurge on a onetime thing.
Whatever you and Him decide is great. (although I'm not sure most of your readers would agree :) ) Either way, PLEASE make sure, that it will be a decision without regrets, that you are ready to accept the effects of, and that you both 100% agree on. Then, however the wedding goes, you two will be off to a peaceful marriage.
Sorry, I didn't really keep that short. BTW, I'm not a PF blogger, but definately of the same mindset. I really enjoy reading this blog. Keep up the good work!
Me | Apr 28, 2006
Everyone here is being waaay too nice about this. Given your parents financial situation I think it's despicable that you would even accept any money from them to pay for the wedding. They are working into their 70's with almost no money saved for retirement and you think they should give you $10,000 for a one day party? Are you nuts?
You are an adult who is responsible for your own financial situation. You make a decent income, and should be able to pay for your own wedding. The sob story about how they "forced" you to take out student loans is ridiculous. Nobody forced you to do anything, you made the decision to go to an expensive school and finance it with debt. I suppose someone "forced" you to run up $17,000 in credit card debt as well. Take responsibility for yourself. The sense of entitlement creeping through the entire post is unbelievable.
I had a wedding and 2-week-long honeymoon in Italy and didn't spend half as much. Be realistic about the kind of wedding you can afford, but think creatively. Also, please apologize to your parents for even thinking that they should help pay for your wedding. If you've truly given up your poor spending habits (hence, your blog), you should feel relieved that your mother made a smart choice.
Wow. That's a lot of comments, with a lot of advice and not a whole lot of sympathy.
Girl, I understand how hurt and betrayed you feel. It'll take some time before those feelings will go away. Bubblebaths help. :-)
Make a smaller wedding.
My wife and I have combined networth of more than a $1 million. We had a $5,000 wedding, including honeymoon.
If you really want to make love, not debt... then don't spend money on a wedding.
c | Apr 28, 2006
I just re-read your post about when you got engaged--how glad you were when you reached your first financial goal together, etc. And now your talking about going into huge debt for the wedding. Interesting. What does Him have to say about all this? Because he seems to be the one directing the sane financial decisions...
Sammi | Apr 28, 2006
I sympathize with you for having to scale down your plans. When I got married, I planned the wedding of my dreams. Then the church called to say that they were canceling our wedding ceremony to host a youth group conference. And the DJ called to cancel because he had a family emergency. And the reception hall demanded more money or threatened to put two weddings in the same room (with a folding screen down the middle!).
I literally got all those calls in the same afternoon, about 4 weeks before my wedding. So I frantically called around, trying to find another date, another place, anything.
The next possible date was a year later. My invitations had already gone out.
So... we got married the next Tuesday by a justice of the peace in a state park, and had a reception catered by a group that was more used to birthday parties and family reunions. We called all the guests to let them know that it would be an informal service after work. It was wonderful.
Cost of original wedding: $20,500.
Cost of actual wedding: $3000*, including previous deposits.
And four years later, we're still as married as if we had the big wedding. It really was a beautiful, meaningful service. :-)
_____
* We had to do a little legal armtwisting to retrieve our "nonrefundable" deposits from the church and reception hall/caterer.
I'm sorry you were led to believe you'd be getting more money than you are.
I'm currently planning my wedding on a budget of $5k and it is more than enough (near Boston) - I imagine that Chicago would be doable on a $10k budget.
A book I have found IMMENSELY helpful is Bridal Bargains - look for it at your local library. They also have online message boards here: http://www.windsorpeak.com/bridalbargains/default.html
They offer many suggestions for ways to have a less expensive wedding and I hope you will find it useful.
I cannot imagine blowing $25k on a wedding - that's a downpayment on a house!!!!
Me | Apr 28, 2006
What the hell is wrong with you people? Giving her sympathy, are you kidding me? Grow the hell up, nobody owes you anything. If you want to spend $10-20,000 on a wedding then spend your own damn money. Your parents do not owe you a damn thing, and it's pretty pathetic that you would expect it. Aww, poor girl, mommy and daddy won't give me money for my dream wedding. You sound like a spoiled little brat.
Trackback sent from MyMoneyBlog on Apr 29, 2006:
The New York Times just ran an article titled 'The Bank of Mom and Dad'* about parents giving financial aid to their children even beyond college. Examples range from paying for extended schooling to paying for doggie daycare. Coincidentally, Make Love...
Continue reading Bank of Mom and Dad
Larry J | Apr 29, 2006
Coming from a working class family, my parents never did save up anything for my education as well. I think the hype of parents providing for their kids comes from school pressure, which needs to stop. Eventually I paid for me to go to a State University and landed a great job. I don't think its write to ask your parents for money, for me I feel bad when and if I do. What ever happened to making it on your on. I'm 27 have no plans to get married any time soon but if you can't afford to pay for your own wedding and house then your not ready yet. God help us all.
Leigh | Apr 29, 2006
Please tell me this is some kind of ridiculous joke. Do you really not see the irony in this entry appearing just below this blurb?
"Current statistics state that half of all marriages fail. One of the top reasons for divorce is disputes over finances! This is the story of Him and Her, a recently engaged couple living together in Chicago. They may have a lot of debt, but believe they can conquer it with a little love and a lot of style."
You need to go to your college and demand that your student loans be cancelled, because you have obviously learned nothing about anything at all. And while you're at it, see if someone can help you find some data on the proportion of couples who remain together after hosting weddings that were entirely above their means!
Personal Finance Blogger | Apr 29, 2006
You do not need to spend anywhere near $25,000 for a wedding. My wife and I got married 3 years ago and spent around $7,000 for well over 100 guests. It was a great time, both for my wife and I, and our guests. Our parents were not asked or expected to pay for any of it. We ended up receiving cash gifts of around $5,000 despite not having asked for them.
Yes your parents have apparently made some poor decisions. I don't know their situation though so I am not about to judge them. Taking out a loan against the equity in thir home to purchase gifts seems a bit much though.
Nancy | Apr 29, 2006
Okay, this post, made me so sick that I didn't even read the other comments, so I'm sorry if this is repeating what anyone else has already said:
You are a grown adult. Take some responsibility for your own life. It sounds like your parents have made some bad financial mistakes and are passing that tradition on to you. Why don't you break the cycle, do as your mom suggested and elope. That way you won't be going FURTHER into debt for ONE day. What's more important to you? The marriage or the wedding?
And before you think I don't know what I'm talking about, I do. I was in pretty much the same boat. My parents are horrible with finances and passed that lack of knowledge on to me. When it came time for me to get married, the expenses were starting to add up and I realized that I didn't care about all of the bullshit wedding drama and the most important thing to me was being married to the man of my dreams. So, we moved the wedding, got married in our backyard with 35 people in attendance (that includes our wedding party). The dinner part of our reception was at a local restaurant and the dancing, cake, bouquet toss was back at our home. I haven't done the math, but I think our wedding couldn't have cost more than 2k and it was gorgeous and glorious and I wouldn't change a thing.
GROW UP. Take some responsibility for your life and stop expecting everyone else to bail you out. I know it's hard, I've been doing it for the past two years, but it is possible.
Marsha | Apr 29, 2006
Our wedding in 1995 cost just over $6,000, with 100 hundred guests for the ceremony, tea reception at a lovely restaurant, afterparty, and an open house the next day - and complete with a professional photog, professional musicians, open bar and lots of great food. Why on earth would one spend $25,000 to have the "typical" wedding (makes me think of Wedding in a Can (tm) - Just Add Water!) when you can spend soooo much less and have something customized exactly to you, without relying on "packages"? Be original! Be creative! And, for God's Sake, be a grown-up!
This is a day, a single day. Scale back your expectations and do the wedding you can afford. I am sure that is what you would tell someone in your situation.
Love does not equal money. Your parents not being able to contribute to your wedding does not mean they don't care about you. Neither does the fact that they didn't pay for your college.
Our wedding was $1000. We had a small wedding in a chapel instead of a cathedral, had a buffet for 30, a friend took photographs and had a lovely time. We paid cash. We've been married 20 years. Neither or our parents paid a dime. Nor have they paid for any of our college. We both managed to get degrees, raise 4 children, and haven't once thought our parents owed us anything.
We will contribute to our children's educations, but I'm sure we won't underwrite them. I hope we can contribute to their weddings. If we can't then I hope it's not seen as a betrayal by them.
You are right, your mother never should have implied she would contribute to your wedding. You also never should have asked knowing their situation.
Melissa | Apr 29, 2006
"Even if our bank accounts look shaky, at least we're making good choices together."
Remember that? From your entry about your parents' choices?
Your sense of self-entitlement is enormous, and your expectation that your parents will have suddenly saved 10K for your wedding after not saving much their entire lives is naive at the very least. You keep saying over and over again how serious you are about getting out of debt, and yet you want to throw a 5K a hour wedding?
Seriously, are you insane?
Call your mother and apologize for being so selfish.
dpjax | Apr 29, 2006
You are selfish.
Spend $1000 on a wedding with those that truly matter. Then, figure out how you're going to help support your ailing mom and dad since they probably need it.
story | Apr 29, 2006
The first part of this message will be directed at all the self-righteous commenters above. Him and Her, you may skip to the last paragraph.
It's a good thing that none of you have ever made money mistakes, have ever felt momentary ingratitude, have ever lashed out in a moment of frustration. I'm so glad to hear that you are completely without sin and fault, and can come from that stance when you so harshly criticize two people who asked for help and advice. There's a fine line between being honest and being harsh and judgmental, and it has clearly been crossed many times here.
Now, Him and Her, the suggestions you asked for. WHY do you have to pay $1000 to reserve the church? We didn't put anything down, and our suggested donation was much less. Is this a church to which you belong or simply one that was big enough to accomodate all your guests? It may be time to consider scaling back unless you have a personal connection to the church. If you do, though, ask if they also have a banquet room or outdoor space that you can use for a reception. It will be much cheaper than reserving a reception hall, and can actually be really nice for your guests. Then price out caterers, and decide what you can afford to spend on that. Consider a dessert only reception, or even a potluck. Get a friend to take pictures, and find someone to play music. The high quality food is not what you'll remember - it's the fun and the love of having your friends and family around for this special day. So decide what you need most to make this something you will love. Then keep saving up! It may be time for much bigger budget cuts if you're going to do this.
elodea | Apr 29, 2006
i think 10k on a wedding would be a start on following in your parent's footsteps of making "bad finacial decisions"
focus on your love not its glam.
I know you're angry, and it can be upsetting to have your budget get smaller right before your eyes, but blink a little and I promise it can be done. Your parents are right to set their own financial boundaries; they don't actually owe you any money for your wedding. I had a lovely wedding -- in 2003, not forever ago -- in one of the more expensive areas of the country, for $8500, with 115 guests. I would not have changed a thing, not even if I'd had three times the budget.
One of the things I did to get some perspective was to ask other people "What was your favorite thing about your wedding?" and "What would you do differently?" Inevitably, nobody's favorite thing was EVER "the fancy flowers" or "my dress" or "the thousand-dollar wedding cake." With that in mind, we had our cake made by a local bakery in our suburb: $200. Our flowers were done, again, by a local florist, I just dropped off swatches of my dress fabric and the bridesmaid's fabric and told her I wanted tulips: $400. (They delivered the flowers for the tables in bulk and my mother and aunt put centerpieces together the night before.) My dress, 100% silk, custom made, the most beautiful thing I've ever seen: $600. We rented a professional-quality sound system for $120 and made mix CD's for the music, and had a AV-savvy friend run the system.
I was told by many, many of our guests that ours was among the loveliest, most tasteful, most enjoyable wedding they'd attended in years. Everything was so beautiful and so perfect, and most important of all, I ended up married to the best guy in the world.
Olivia | Apr 29, 2006
My lord, you're selfish!! Call your mother and apologize. If you're forgiven, it'll be a miracle.
"It's a good thing that none of you have ever made money mistakes, have ever felt momentary ingratitude, have ever lashed out in a moment of frustration."
Oh, I have made, had, and done all of the above...but I've never TYPED them up, read them over, and then hit publish.
Better yet, I've never written that my parents are 1) in failing health, 2) working in their 70s with no sign of retirement ahead, and 3) mortgaged up to their eyeballs and then followed that sad litany with a poor me complaint that they won't give me money for my party. And I've certainly never had the gal to top it all off with a pointed criticism of my parents' financial decisions.
Jesus H. Christ | Apr 29, 2006
I don't see it mentioned anywhere specifically, but since you and the fiance have combined everything else, I suppose you are already living together too, right? If so, what in the hell do you think you deserve a big, white (as in virginal) wedding for? Go have a civil ceremony and shut up with the whining.
Sensible | Apr 29, 2006
I've been married more than 20 years. My parents had money and my in-laws had money. They were stingy and refused to give us a dime. We said the hell with it and eloped without them.
BELIEVE ME. A big, showy wedding and fancy Hawaiian or European honeymoon have very little to do with actually BEING married.
It would be nice if they paid for everything, but they haven't got it. Get married in an inexpensive way. You've got enough debt, don't start married life by putting yourselves in debt even further. It just isn't worth it.
Scale down your wedding as much as you can. It's ONE day of your life and the world will continue to turn if you have a less lavish event.
You have one set of parents and quite frankly, you seem to be very disrespectful of them. You know they are old and that they are not in good health and that they have made poor financial decisions all of their lives, and yet you seem shocked that they cannot help you. Part of growing up means TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF and not sitting back and hoping someone else will do it for you--it's called living in reality.
I 45 years old and have been married for over 23 years and have three children. There are many things that I have done without over the years because I COULD NOT AFFORD THEM. Contrary to popular belief, you can live without big screen TV's and computers if you do not have the money to pay for them. I learned early on that if I couldn't pay for something, I didn't get it. It's not easy, it's not fun, but it's REAL LIFE.
Now that you know your parents are not able to help you, I hope you will let the issue rest and not feel the need to make them feel badly about it. They are your parents after all and I am sure that they did the best they knew how to do at the time and just because it doesn't fit in with YOUR plans, doesn't mean you should rehash it just to rub it in that you think they've failed you somehow.
SAVE YOURSELF.
Married | Apr 29, 2006
I know it seems harsh and a girl dreams of "the" wedding... but your parents made the right decision and you need to as well. You write you are in debt, yet you think the wedding will be worth going further in debt for? Take that 4k deposit and put it toward a credit card. Take the rest of your money you were going to budget for this wedding and plan your future with it. The wedding is not the marriage- and call your mom and tell her how you feel.
Susannah | Apr 30, 2006
We had a great, fancy wedding for about $12k. Have the reception the same place as the wedding, that is one of the best $ saving tips I can give you. Don't overspend on the dress, there are tons of outlets for that kind of thing, so take advantage of them. The catering was the biggest expense, so if you can get away with just providing snacks and cake, do that. Favors and programs are a waste of $, no one cares, IMO.
I agree with the other poster about whittling down the guest list.
Although I can understand some of your feelings toward your Mom are raw right now, and going from "we'd like to give $10,000" to zero definitely could generate bad feelings, you really need to get over it, it really sounds like they are trying at this point to do what they can to provide for themselves. It will be much less burden on you in the future if you don't have to worry about their future (that's an issue with us with DH's mom, he's an only child and she's already run out of $ at about 62, and refuses to work, just lives off his grandmother's $).
Myronyama | Apr 30, 2006
Hi,
wife and i married 32 years ago, church ceremony, 200 people, restaurant reception,honeymoon on Kauai(inlaws' home).everything cost us less than $2K(not $20K). almost broke even with the monetary gifts.professional photographer was wife's friend. all we asked of our parents was to show up.
my brothers got married by a judge, no reception, to save $$.
if my kids marry, i'll give them $2K. they can pay for their own lavish wedding.if the marriage lasts five years, i'll front the down payment on their new home.
A | May 1, 2006
I'm getting married later this year, too. Our parents are NOT gonna pay for our wedding, mortgage, or anything. I've worked for less than 2 years after college, and my fiancee's still a student. So what? I've saved enough to put down my downpayment, pay for my wedding, and all.
IMO, a wedding can be cheap or expensive, nobody ever says you need a $25,000 wedding if you can't afford it. So, spend what you have without getting more debt. Well, if you want a more elegant wedding but can't afford it, you'd better find a richer man.
Mike | May 1, 2006
I've never seen kids who complain about their parents for not giving them enough $. Your parents could have retired if they chose not to have kids, LOL.
You've grown up and have two hands. So, just go save your own money, and shut up!
Cathy | May 1, 2006
Speaking as someone who got married in Chicago at a very nice downtown hotel/restaurant - $25,000? Are you kidding me? We did it for around $4,000.00
It can most certainly be done for cheaper than $25,000 - that's ridiculous.
I guess the only thing I'd say is that 25K for a wedding (Chicago or elsewhere) is quite a sum! It's a wonderful event, but it's only one day of a life time together, you know? One day.
Wow.
So when you have kids will you be the ones complaining because gramma and grandpa can't watch them because they are too old?
I am completely astounded that you would consider taking one-fifth of your parents' savings for ONE DAY of your life.
So what if they made poor financial decisions. Giving you $10K would be a poor financial decision and you're all about that aren't you? What is a poor financial decision by your parents? Something that doesn't benefit you?
Guess what? I'm not paying for my child's college education. On purpose. Why? Because when you earn it, you value it.
I've read the 'clarifications' and not every little girl wants mommy their to hold her hand. At some point you come to terms with the fact that you are disappointed in your parents and you wake up knowing that they have done the best that they could. And someday you'll have children of your own and you won't repeat a single mistake... oh no, you'll make all NEW ones with your children. Grow up and come to terms with it.
'Him' says that her mother "wanted NOTHING to do with the wedding. Her mother didn’t want to help plan anything, she did not want to see Her try on wedding dresses, and was generally distant from the whole situation"
'Her' says that her mom "had been planning my dream wedding for seven years and had been hinting at a $10,000 wedding gift for four months."
Are we on the same page at all here? No, we are not. There's problem #1.
Ok, I'm so overly critical here, I know.
Allow me to speak from the 'been there, got the t-shirt' viewpoint.
Marriage #1 - stressful big wedding, parents contributed financially and used their gift to try and tell us how our day was supposed to be. Lasted 2 years.
Marriage #2 - eloped, very, very romantic. Cost less than $500 including dinner, the dress, the marriage commissioner. It poured buckets of rain, we went through a drive-through for breakfast in our tux and gown.
Please, allow yourself to separate from being a daughter to being an adult on your own. Your parents have made mistakes, mine have as well. Everybody's parents have. You will need to get on with life and let go of the anger. Forgiveness isn't about the other person, it's about you and not holding onto that crap in your life.
Texmandie | May 2, 2006
As a 26 year old woman, I have been to several of my friends' weddings over the past couple of years.
Money spent versus fun had at the event were indirectly proportional, pretty much.
The 50/25/25 (them/her parents/his parents) financed $7000 80-guest wedding where I was part of the ceremony music ensemble - loads of fun and I was sad to see the reception end.
The 400+ guest 'do of the year - the group I carpooled with 1000 miles voted to head for the big city three hours away once the bouquet was tossed. We did not want to fathom how much it cost, but it was all paid for by her parents.
My best childhood friend had an extremely simple ceremony on her parents' ranch (with a Southern Baptist minister she would have preferred to do without). Her mother, however, threw a very large and fancy reception under a huge rented tent, which my friend really didn't want, but went along with. The big BBQ at their house the night before was a lot more fun, anyway.
Sensible | May 2, 2006
Not all parents are nice. Not all parents "do the best they can". Some are selfish and short sighted. Some are greedy. Some assume THEIR parents will die and leave them a bundle. Some play favorites with their kids.
Your parents did some stupid things, with no thoughts of the consequences for themselves, let alone their children. Frankly, they sound like they are reaping exactly what they've sown, and in 10 years time, when they come crawling to you for money, you can tell them to eff off.
You are only responsible for yourself. I implore you to forget all this nonsense about having a fancy wedding! I'm telling you, it doesn't matter. My uncle paid for two huge weddings for my idiot cousin and guess what? She's been divorced. Twice. She's now living with a third guy, and pitching a fit because my uncle refuses to pay for yet a THIRD wedding. She threatens to "live in sin" 'till her father coughs up the money so she can have her "special" day. She's got three illegitimate kids. It's anyone's guess why she feels the need to prance down the aisle in another white dress.
Forget the big wedding. Forget your parents. Get your finances in order and get yourselves pointed in the right direction. Pay off your debts. A wedding is only one day.
Our wedding cost something like $250.00. I think that included the license. Sometimes you just have to bit the bullett and do what it takes. Granted, we didn't care about inviting anyone and went the courthouse but it sure saved us a pretty bundle. After all these years together I am still glad we did it the way we did. It was not to save money but looking back, I would have been mad for years to come for spending money on a wedding that no one would have cared about except for me and hubby. We plan to renew our vows in the future and I don't plan on spending much money then either. God says to owe no debt other than love. Oh, and don't worry that your parents are not pitching in. The best thing that your parents could have done is tell you to pay for your wedding. I wouldn't have paid for my daughters if I could have afforded it. Nothing in life is free, except salvation!
My husband and I paid for our wedding not expecting any money from our parents. I would not accept money from my parents because I know that they would expect something in return. Often I find it easier to live life that way.
stealthbucks | May 7, 2006
Well, if you are still reading comments. I'll say this as politely as I can. Life can suck. I'm sorry that your parents are a financial and perhaps emotional disappoitment. These things can scar for life. I, also did not grow up with the Cleavers but love my parents warts and all. I could fill pages of dialogue with all the crap I went through with them but it made be determined to improve with my wife and family. The whole wedding issue is, I'm sorry to say "A you thing" My wife and I, while pulling down $500K managed to spend a whole whopping $6,000 on our extremely elegant coutry club wedding. Ditch all the stupid stuff and go for good food and a free and nice church. My friends (even wealthy ones) still rave about the wedding.
Anyway..... I am truly sorry about your parents but I guess I'd say...... focus on your marriage and recognize that you are not your mom nor do you have to be as so fianancially moronic and most of all promise that which you never intended to provide.
Me | Jun 2, 2006
Get over it. You seem to be a brat who wants more than she or her parents can afford. Sometimes you just can't do it. I've got a wedding coming up this year.
My parents are retired and don't have money coming out their ears. My fiances parents are also still working late into their 60s because they can't afford not to (f-i-l to be has had two heart surgeries...do you think he'd be still working if he didn't have to?) AND my future hubby and his mom are in politics so the guest list is HUGE (like 500). We're making do. We're doing finger foods, minimal flowers, no alcohol, bought used dressed, friends are making the food, etc. It will be wonderful and great and we put a lot of hard work into it.
Who says you're ENTITLED to a $25K wedding? I'm 24 and realize that our generation has this terrible sense of entitlement. You are not entitled to ANYTHING (well, except those freedoms in the Constitution).
Expect life to be hard and praise God when it's easy. Don't expect life to be easy and curse Him when it's hard.
John Omm | Apr 26, 2006
Jane and I made it through a wedding (and college) without the financial assistance of anyone so it can be be done but it takes some sacrifices. We eloped. It was inexpensive and stress free. We had a great time and we've never regretted it.
I know you want a $25K wedding, but given your level of debt and the amount of help you can expect from your families, you may want to seriously reconsider. Any extra debt that you incur now will put that much more strain on you later.
No matter what you choose to do, Jane and I wish you two the very best.
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