Parents Suck, But We Obviously Blow - His Response
Posted on April 29, 2006 by Him and tagged off_topic
In the past day and a half, Her and I have had to don our extra-strength flamesuits. Hell, I didn't even know she posted this until I got to work yesterday and saw there was a bajillion comments and counting. Admittedly, I was shocked when I read that post. Not only that, but very embarrassed, and very humiliated. The person who wrote that post was not the same person who I had proposed to, was living with, have been with for the past 7 years, but most importantly, fell in love with and still love.
The fact of the matter is that there is more to that post that you know. Her did a terrible job of trying to explain the situation and indeed sounded like a spoiled brat about the situation. In fact, if you’ve been wondering why we haven’t posted in the last days in response, it’s because we’ve been too busy fighting about it amongst ourselves.
If you were privy to the absolute whole story, you’d know that that Her disappointment was not about the lack of financial support given by Her parents. Her disappointment is about the lack of ANY support given by Her parents. There have been too many times in Her life that Her parents have let her down, but it most easily manifests itself when it comes to finances.
She doesn’t feel entitled to money. But like any child of a parent, she feels entitled to love and support. It wasn’t the loss of $10,000 that upset Her; it was the fact that Her mother wanted NOTHING to do with the wedding. Her mother didn’t want to help plan anything, she did not want to see Her try on wedding dresses, and was generally distant from the whole situation. I’m a guy, and I’m even aware that every little girl wants her mother to be there during the wedding planning. Her didn’t want to do this alone.
No one deserves to have the less-than-supportive relationship that Her has with her parents. No one should have been privy to Her acting out, either. But you must remember that bloggers are people too, and we have emotions that may lead us to do things that we may regret. It's easy to cast judgment on us after reading one post.
To the commenters, we thank those of you who left constructive criticism. Your feedback, while not necessarily well received, is appreciated. If you have left your contact information, thank you for leaving open a channel of communication in case we ever want to discuss what you may have said. For those of you who dropped comments that were derogatory, and especially those who left these comments and didn't leave any contact info, let me tell you what a commenter said:
It's a good thing that none of you have ever made money mistakes, have ever felt momentary ingratitude, have ever lashed out in a moment of frustration. I'm so glad to hear that you are completely without sin and fault, and can come from that stance when you so harshly criticize two people who asked for help and advice. There's a fine line between being honest and being harsh and judgmental, and it has clearly been crossed many times here.
So go ahead. Judge all you want. We put ourselves out there for your enjoyment, so it's easy to judge. We'll leave comments open. But, no matter what Her may have wrote in the prior post, I know that she is resourceful, compassionate, humble, a good cook, aware of societal costs, a hard worker, aware of rampant consumerism, concerned with other people’s debt, concerned with our financial future, and damn good in bed.
Have a good weekend.
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Cheleed | Apr 29, 2006
It's so hard to read people in a post. There is no history, background, or even facial expression.
It was such an out of character post from the previous postings...
Cheers!
People are always so ready to attack without knowing the situation or trying to understand.
As you said, bloggers are people too and people are emotional.
Take the good, ignore the bad and good luck with the planning etc. :)
Major | May 1, 2006
Don't sweat it. The two of you seem to have a pretty good handle on things. And in the grrand scheme that is really what matters.
Money and Weddings are both very volatile topics.
And thanks for sharing things with us.
annab | May 1, 2006
it was the fact that Her mother wanted NOTHING to do with the wedding. Her mother didn’t want to help plan anything, she did not want to see Her try on wedding dresses, and was generally distant from the whole situation. I’m a guy, and I’m even aware that every little girl wants her mother to be there during the wedding planning. Her didn’t want to do this alone.
I was thinking that maybe Her mom might have been reluctant to participate in the wedding plans because she knew that she couldn't give the $$ and was embarrassed? I know that when I can't keep a promise, it makes me uncomfortable to be around the person until I have "fessed up". I think that now that Her mom has articulated her financial restrictions, she'll be more likely to give a hand.
You both will be fine -- it's obivous that you love and care for each other. But I really do think you can have a beautiful wedding for a lot less than what was planned.
My mom helped at a friend's daughter's wedding. The parents got their closest pals to help out with stuff. Some people brought party trays from Sam's Club (the big warehouse stores) and some made big dishes like lasagne and casseroles. This was funny, because all anyone really wanted to eat were sweets and vegetables. So I think I'd focus on that (like a cake and punch reception?). Other people did flowers (my mom and I did). Truth be told, we had fun. It was cool to spend time with those ladies and talk and goof around a bit. It was low-pressure because it wasn't trying to match some wedding-book standard. But the wedding was beautful. We all felt like we had participated, and that's always more entertaining that sitting and watching someone else.
So it might be helpful to put out the call. Some friends have strengths and interests that can be put to good use. I love the idea of putting together mix cd's for the wedding. There are so many fun ideas you can do.
But as to being embarrassed -- I'm kind of glad you were, not because you deserved to be, but because it's helpful to know that the world doesn't end when things are misstated, or when plans go awry (I'm from the school of what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.) People are so afraid of being judged/rejected, that it makes them less honest (what I said before) which makes an uncomfortable situation worse. It's good that you both can be so honest, and that you are there to support and defend each other. Seriously, you two are going to do great, even if you hide the cash under the mattress and get married by a street corner preacher. :P
I refrained from comment on the post because I just didn’t know what to say and when you don’t know, it’s best not to say anything. I can agree that the post was out of character and chalked it up to hurt feelings. I do however hope that you continue to share freely, openly and honestly because I, like many others, love your blog and read it often.
If anything, you know that a TON of people read your blog and care about what you have to say. I hope you have a wonderful life together and hope you keep the wedding within a reasonable budget. It is very clear that you care about each other.
Me,
I disagree. I remember shortly after my parents got divorced my little sister (then a teenager) was crying at Christmas time because she thought there wouldn't be very many presents. Oh please, I said, you are so materialistic. (I was an older teenager). But both my parents realized that of course she wasn't crying about presents. She was crying because she was afraid Xmas would be different and sad and somehow less festive after the divorce. "presents" were just the one thing she could articulate.
I'm trying very clumsily to say that I think Her was just melting down a little, something we all do sometimes. It was just Her bad fortune (and yes, bad judgement) to melt down in a public way.
B. Hatch | May 2, 2006
This little brouhaha is my point of entry to your interesting blog (a friend told me the story, so I had to look). So forgive me if I'm not up to speed on all that's been said.
Having said that.... Her, your rage is SO justified, even if you've put it a little too bluntly here. Your folks, God love 'em, have totally screwed you and Him for decades. I read recently that the average young person continues to be subsidized by parents until about age 30 to the tune of several thousands of dollars a year. Granted, that's an average. Plenty of kids get nothing. And rich kids get a lot. We all have a tendency to say, "You should be self-sufficient once you leave college." But think about it: These days middle-class work often requires a long period of training and/or low-wage apprenticeship. You've paid that cost alone, by going into debt, along with the five-figure hit you needlessly took for your parents' harebrained schemes.
I don't know what the future holds, but it's not inconceivable that you will one day feel obliged to support your parents in their old age. You have a right to really rage at your parents, and it's to your credit that you're taking it so well.
One final thought: Pay off that debt -- all of it -- in three years. You probably can do it. Sacrifice absolutely everything to get there. You're young. Life gets so much better as you age -- unless your debt matures with you. Trust me on that. For your wedding, stiff the church (you need the money more than it does). Spend a couple hundred on a nice dinner with the family. No more. There is no such thing as an affordable wedding.
Hazzard | Apr 29, 2006
Hey, Don't sweat it from the evil commenters. It really is easy to throw stones, especially on the internet. You have to be comfortable with the way you are living your life and the decisions you are making. I've certainly been flamed a few times for some of my views on my blog. At first, I let it get to me, but I learned that the ability to post comments anonymously is too easy and it causes people to lash out and say things they'd never say to your face.
The best way to move on from this is, point out the things in the comments you agree with, chalk it up to a bad day, (which no doubt it was) and just keep on posting. I enjoy reading your blog and would hate to see a few dirtbag commenters run you out of town.
BTW: My take on the whole thing is, tone down the plans, finance very little of the wedding, and enjoy the rest of your lives together. My opinion is that the most important part about marriage is the love between the two people, the honesty, trust etc. Spending a ton of money on a wedding, won't make the marriage better, that's for sure, and in fact can cause problems down the road if you finance too much of it.
Hope you guys have a great weekend and don't let the "poopoo'ers" ruin your time off.
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